Ex's photos in the family album
At a recent family gathering, my mother-in-law took out the family album. It was thick, and most of the photos were of her 5 sons.
There were also photos of her son's with ex girlfriends. Not just prom pictures or group shots, but lots of casual shots of just the 1 son and an ex girlfriend, embracing or kissing.
These pictures were from 20 years ago.
My sister in law was LIVID that these photos were still in the album. (She married 1 son 15 years ago, and did NOT want her kids being exposed to seeing these pictures.)
She got pissed when grama had the album and was reminiscing
With her sons (and grandchildren) at the dining room table.
Was she right?
I omitted my 20 yr old son's exes from all albums and media photos.
WHO is correct here?
You can't wipe out someone's history. I am positive your nephews expect that Daddy had girlfriends throughout high school and college! Everyone has a life before they settle down and marry and that should not upset a spouse or their children (in my opinion). My husband and I both have pictures, in old albums (along with old concert tickets and party invitations, etc), of old high school sweethearts and college relationships. All three of our kids have seen them. They all laughed at the old photos ("Ewwww, you went out with that, I'm glad you picked Mom!!") and the funky hair and fashion.
Does your sister in law not realize that he broke up with those girls and picked her, married her and had children with her? Throwing out the pictures does not change anything and just get's rid of memories of fun youthful shenanigans. I think she is being a little immature - but that's just my opinion. I'm sure there will be many who will disagree.
I think that keeping the historical photos is educational and fun. For this woman to exhibit that level of jealousy over ancient history is not healthy for her or the relationship with her husband's family. She doesn't want her kids to know that there was a woman in Dad's life before her? What is she, 12 mentally? My wife had two bad ex's but has been with me since. I feel absolutely nothing bad about seeing her in old pictures with them. It is her history, she a child by each ex. It is hard to cut out people who were part of your life just because one woman is off the charts mad about nothing important.
Your mother-in-law is correct. Your sister-in-law sounds like a 13 year old school girl who wants her boyfriend to delete any Instagram or Facebook photos of him with any other girls.
And all your son's past relationships and the experiences that went with them, mean nothing to you? You just omit them from history, so nobody will ever see them and pretend they never happened?
Your mother-in-law was clearly taking the grandkids through "memory lane" which could be quite funny for kids to see their parents in poodle skirts, or bell bottoms or big '80's hair, engaging in activities of the day with their old beau's. Trust me, little Johnny seeing daddy kissing his college sweetheart (or even an ex-wife) from 20 years ago is not going to hurt him - it will show him that daddy is human; It's called life's learning experiences, history and the memories that shape us.
I do wonder how the mother in law would feel if the daughter in law brought a photo album to a gathering and starting showing photos of herself kissing old boyfriends? I can bet that the mother in law would be incensed at that.
It's a two way street.
I highly doubt that GetOverYerself, I would hope she would be more mature than that! Mature people don't lose sleep over such things.
I don't think it is that big of deal, really. I have pics of an ex fiancé and ex boyfriends,so does my husband, almost everybody does. When I look back at pictures of exes they are a great reminder that I picked the right one!
As long as the mother in law wasn't talking about how amazing all his exes were I don't really see a problem. However, if I was the mother in law I would try to brush over the exes and focus on other memories.
My first thought was "who sits around going through 20 year old photo albums looking to destroy pictures that might one day upset somebody for some off the wall reason?", as if ANYBODY has time for that.
My next thought was everything MK said.
Wow, sister-in-law, run off the rails, much?
I don't think it's a big deal at all if there are pics of old girlfriends in most cases. I agree that those experiences are what led him to where he is today. if there was a child with this other person then most definitely that person will continue to be talked about/included (and should be)
I do however also believe there are times when the past is the past and should be left there. Where does the line get crossed when it becomes disrespectful to the current girlfriend/spouse? I have seen times where there was an old gf that was quite significant ...meaning they were engaged or together for many years. Maybe it was "the one" that got away or maybe this other person was just extremely well liked by the family. We don't know all of the details in this particular case, but who knows? maybe it was an innocent walk down memory lane or maybe it was a way for grandma to throw a dig that she liked the other person better? I've seen that happen in my own family!
Sometimes people just need to let go and stop rehashing the past. It really serves no purpose in most situations.
I believe it is totally insane to think someone has the right to erase another person's history because it is upsetting to them. She feels threatened by pictures? Come on. We all have a past that may have included other relationship partners and believe it or not even though the relationship didn't work out doesn't mean that person didn't have fun or make some good memories together. She needs to grow a pair.
If it was really a big deal and not just laughed off, then seems like an opportunity to talk about how to make big decisions. My kids and I have frequent discussions about the process to make life choices. Dating is a time to get to know different kinds of people, find out what qualities you enjoy in a person and what qualities you want to avoid. Exes are experiments that teach you things, even when the process hurts.
Same with jobs, try different things, think about what you can picture yourself doing in future and how that job can evolve with the times we live in. Think about what you don't enjoy and would want to avoid, what education you need for this or that.
My wedding video and photos have some shots with my sister's somewhat toxic ex. But I need to keep those :-)
If someone can be wistful and want to remember those old pictures of old girlfriends, someone can get upset over them, too. Either all emotions are valid or none are.
There's a reason the mother in law felt a need to parade those photos around and reminisce like that. She sounds like she's a manipulative bitch. I will bet anything mother in law doesn't allow her husband to put up pictures of his old girlfriends in the house!
I'll bet none of you allow your husbands/wives to do so, either.
This needs to be repeated-
"Dating is a time to get to know different kinds of people, find out what qualities you enjoy in a person and what qualities you want to avoid. Exes are experiments that teach you things, even when the process hurts.
Same with jobs, try different things, think about what you can picture yourself doing in future and how that job can evolve with the times we live in. Think about what you don't enjoy and would want to avoid, what education you need for this or that."
Brilliant- I knew I liked you. :)
GetOverYerself, take your own advice.
My husband has pictures of events in his life with {gasp!} dates other than myself. It's a non-issue in my house.
We're not all petty people out here.
What about a boxful of VHS sex tapes with ex-girlfriends? Yea or nay to hang on to? (-;
I think it's unfair for anyone to expect all memories from previous relationships to just be tossed. It would be one thing is MIL had pictures framed all over her house with the ex in them but cry me a river, a freaking photo album? If everyone got rid of pictures from when they were dating or married to someone else, no one would have any pictures.
Nobody is saying toss them; but it's tasteless and bitchy to parade them in front of the daughter in law.
And again, ask yourselves how you'd feel if your husbands/wives wanted to hang photos of his exes? In fact, why don't you have them hanging right now if there's nothing wrong with keeping these photos around? Hey, how about inviting them over for thanksgiving? After all, why toss the relationship? Right?
I think GetOverYourself read a different post. There were no pictures hung all over. She took out an old family photo album and there were a few old pictures of her sons from 20 years ago with their old girlfriends within the other photos. Jeez, isn't that what everyone's old photo albums have in them?
By the strange reaction to this, GetOverYourself must be the sister-in-law, lol!
By this metric, is GetOverYourself suggesting people should get rid of their prom pictures? I'm pretty sure most people aren't married to their prom dates, yet most people keep those photos if only as a funny memory replete with bad hairstyles and terrible clothing.
I totally agree that you cannot erase the past. The OP clearly stated that theses pics that were being shown were NOT just some old prom photos or group shots, but more so of that one son and his ex gf kissing.
Most of us agree that it's 20 yrs ago , who cares? ....but seriously what would be the point of that? That's not really the same as laughing about your Highschool clothes or hairstyle.
I'm not saying she should toss them, but really what purpose with that serve to show this guys kids pics of him and his ex kissing? it sounds to me like grandma focused a bit too much on those rather than the "fun" ones.
I actually don't even believe the SIL was mad so much about the pics as she was with Grandmas actions.
One of my sisters is named after one of my father's ex-girlfriends from his teenager years. My mother liked the name, and yes IS that confident enough of a woman to not be phased by that.
Get ... over... it....
I think I agree with Getoveryerself's point of views.
I think she enjoyed making her squirm.
"Know your audience" comes to mind.
I don't think little kids want to see their parents gazing adoringly into anyone else's eyes.
I think it was insensitive of her.
None of us know the entire situation, it's all assumption at this point. Two or more sides to every story.
Some/many in-laws can be very spiteful, however we really don't know the full story..do we?
Lili --- so you omitted your 20 year-old son's exes pictures?
I thought you said you needed help as a mother "new to this" with bedtime suggestions for a kindergartener ??
https://www.hackettstownlife.com/forum/795735
LOLOLOL
May '17
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