Loveless Marriage
I am lost husband in a loveless marriage, I am middle aged and never thought a relationship could become so cold and loveless after 20 plus years but it is!
I am not looking for advice or help! Divorce is becoming the only option and that will be the last straw which I don't want to go threw!
What I am wondering is the anyone else that has this empty feeling in there heart about there wife or husband? How do you coupe? Do you have friends to talk with? Are you having an affair to fill the void?
I am really sorry about starting this string because I know this post will go very sour with negative and disrespectful replies but I am in need of knowing am I the only one who feels this way? Again I am a lost husband in a loveless marriage!
JustSaying Please look at this link maybe it will help your situation.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqh9g3rb-vk
Hope You may want to start by reflecting on what the true purpose of marriage is and what your role as a husband (and father?) is supposed to be and compare that to how far off the mark YOU are. Hint: It's not about feeding your ego.
scottso hope & scottso - I have been reflecting for nearly 10 plus years - and it takes #2 to make a loveless marriage and I should have added I believe my wife is having an affair and has been keeping secret and not being truthful for what seems like years. If this is the advice I am being given divorce is looking like the best route.
I'm not married, but if she is having an affair (and has been for years), why be married?! Is that someone you want to be tied to?! I know I wouldn't want to be. I'm sure divorce is tough (for many reason), but you should be happy. Being unhappy causes a lot of stress on you, your family, friends, health, I mean the list goes on.
Best of luck. Everyone deserves to be happy...
GoodLuckSorry to hear what you are going through JustSaying, it really is an awful way to go through life.
Divorce seems to be the only option you have left it seems. It hurts in the beginning but eventually you get over it and start to heal, and realize it was the smart decision
All I know is you get one chance to live this life...do not waste years of it being miserable.
Good luck to you
Rickter1 Just some housekeeping questions. Do you have kids? Many stay married until they graduate college so as not to disrupt the children while young. If you don't have kids then you don't have to wait. There is a chance you can rekindle things, but do you want to -- does she want to. In any case, stay positive and follow your heart.
iJay JustSaying, do talk to a few close friends. But also talk to your wife. She was your best friend at some point. You owe each other some honesty. Good luck!
maja2 @ iJay - yes children - which is why I have stuck it out for the past ten years, but now my heart is so empty and void of love I am finding in increasing difficult going home. And I don't believe in having an affair but I am struggling with the need of love in my life! Thanks to all for the positive and constructive advice!
Find some love until you can get a divorce. Especially if you think she has found it elsewhere. Its absolutely terrible though. Should never forget to make time and effort for each other with kids in the mix. I love my kids, but my wife is still and always will be my #1 priority.
Forcefed4door JustSaying - You deserve to be happy. You are responsible for your own Happiness.
I have had a few male Friends in your shoes, also married for 20 years. One thing they all have in common is that they said they waited too long to end their marriage. 20 years in a loveless marriage is unhealthy not only for you but for your children and their future relationships.
So get a plan in place and get your financial house in order.
htownnewbie Punch out soon before alimony becomes your tax burden if you go that route - definitely cheaper to keep her though.
Skippy Just saying, you are not alone. So many people stay in relationships past their expiration dates. People stay for many reasons, kids, money, security, hope in fixing it. Coming home and not being loved is heart breaking. You need to decide what you want for your health and well being. Ask yourself - Do you still love her? Do you want to try and save it? Do you want to just continue living like this? Do you want to move on for a chance to find happiness again?
If you still love her and want to try and fix it. Then you should talk to her, lay it all on the table. Then hopefully you both can be honest and either try to fix it or realize it's time to move on.
If you don't want a divorce and don't want to rock the boat, then fill your time. Hang out with friends more, join an activity, take up a Hobby. Something to bring happiness to your life. I don't think an affair is the way to go, that won't solve anything. It will just cause more issues and what if you find someone that you fall in love with?
Just my thoughts and opinions.
We only go around once on this planet. We all deserve as much happiness as possible. In your situation it sounds like no one is enjoying any happiness, pleasure, satisfaction, companionship. Children do not gain from growing up in an unhappy household.
Do what's best for all of you.
4catmom JustSaying - If this is about 'feeling loved' and being sad that you aren't, I would like you to know that you're already loved by God, beyond any measure. Why don't you turn to Him and accept it? The love you think you get from other people pales in comparison and WILL fall short.
Love = self-sacrifice. Sounds like you are loving your wife immensely. She's a lucky woman.
scottso - what part of JustSaying did you not read? He is miserable - she has a lover - this is his life................
Speak with a lawyer. You're miserable now, but getting a divorce may leave even more miserable and financially ruined. Good luck!
If she is cheating on you, hire an investigator, get it confirmed and then throw her out and have her pay you child support and alimony if applicable.
Equality is what all woman want these days...Don't forget to look at it from that angle as well.
Sounds to me like you are being taken advanatage of ( of course , only hearing one side ....there are 2 more...hers and the attorney .
Steven JustSaying, don't bother to spend money on an investigator. The state of NJ doesn't care who is cheating on whom. In your heart, you already know anyway. Tell her you know.
What the heck is God going to do about it? Just get a divorce and be happy. You need to do, what you need to do to be happy. Life is too short to stay in a miserable relationship.
Calico696 Sadly yes. I think the loveless marriages are becoming more of the norm. I know I am responsible for my happiness, but I stay. I say if I find out he's cheating, then I leave. I believe I am just not taking responsibility. I do believe that if I find someone else, that I want to leave, but I'm not looking. Hope it helps to know that you are not alone.
Rather be alone Its a community property state. She gets half period. My ex played me too after 10 years of marriage. We have two children which she immediately turned against me telling them at a very young age I was doing everything she was actually doing. I forced myself to move on, divorced, eventually married again and happily for over 23 years now. Children grew up and found the truth on they're own. We are close now but of course lost years can be replaced. My ex married again got into a physically abusive relationship, left him and now lives alone in an apt with cats, dogs etc, very filthy conditions. Its hard but life does eventually get better. You have to make those first hard steps.
Boobalaa We are close now but of course lost years can be replaced.
I assume you mean "...can't be replaced."
My advice to you is regardless of where you end up , don't speak badly of one another. This will be easy to do. In the end it is just not worth it to waste your energy on this. If you have children . Never ever say in front of them anything about each other. They will love you and respect you more for this. Always be be respectful even though i know you are hurt.
Been there You'll be trading one set of problems for another if you divorce . It's hard being out there and meshing your life with someone new at our age . Make yourself happy , get counseling for infidelity if need be . Maybe your not the best version of you at this time either. Your marriage / partner deserves a second chance . Don't make a quick decision . You can always hire a lawyer in a heartbeat and start the waterfall of endless legal expenses.
Happymom Skippy has a point- sad how a dissolved relationship becomes a tax question, that is new since the new tax laws.
Last time I made a post, I described what my ex had done to me and was eviscerated by some of the women on the forum-I guess it's ok for a female to do this to a male, but when suggested the other way you quickly become a #metoo. They attacked me like a a viper as if it was me who had done this to a woman. As much as they complain, it's a new tactic by attorneys to use in court cases and done way more by women against men. Not all women will do this of course, but EVERY woman has the capability to. It's nasty, its immoral, but it is reality, and you should be prepared to defend yourself in this situation.
True it is a community state, as Boobala points out, but remember, posession is 9/10's of the law, so if she can seize it before you, good luck getting it back. You will need to prove it was there, and if she files for a restraining order, she seizes it, and basically gets to keep it. It is really hard to recover. A court is not going to order to give you something that you claim exists but your ex says it didn't. She could be lying, you telling the truth, good luck winning that battle. Once again, this does not apply to all women. With some divorces this is not an issue.
If you can come to an agreement to split things down the middle, I agree, do so. If you have a toxic, arrogant, or worst of all, one that has contempt for you, it's over, and the games begin. You marry in a church, and divorce in a courtroom. If your ex is a liar, be aware, the courts do not care as a rule. They expect people to lie in family court and rarely if ever prosecute for it. (link below) Avoid restraining orders at all costs-judges issue TRO's like water-you breathing on your ex after eating an onion will get a TRO against you. A FRO is much harder-but anyone who will try to get a TRO is trying for an FRO, and that will work against you badly should she succeed. If she tries to bait you into swinging, do not, no matter how much she yells at you, screams at you, do not bite. It's a trap and is commonly used, mostly by women against men. If you are a wife beater-then you are a different breed than me so good luck-that will work against you-some women have been known to smash their own face against a wall and claim a husband hit them-For men, you better have video evidence of her hitting you or it did not happen. No one really ever will believe that the woman beats up or abuses the man-even though it does happen in real life.
What the courts DONT want is a trial. So they will keep sending you to mediation again and again. They will tell you about how much it's going to cost (veiled threat, but quite real, we are talking big money) If you can successfully mediate, great for you.
Kids really complicate the issue, if you can have them 50% of the time, that is great, no child support for either of you, and you get to spend time with them and so does your ex. Courts are pretty good this way, but have you planned your career around this? Women tend to be in better shape in this area, which will work against you unless you have a career where you can be available for your children as much as she is. If you want to do this, prepare to find a job that is accommodating.
50% is great and is fair, good luck there. I have every weekend with my daughter and it is wonderful.
I hope you have an ex that just wants to move on, is willing to split the difference, and go on her merry way. You may have a broken heart, but you might find someone else if that is the case. I have found other nice potential partners where their marriages did not work out, and they are very nice women. Just because a woman/man is divorced does not mean they won't make a good or even better partner than your last one. There are some really great women out there-so keep your hopes up.
Lastly, no two situations are alike. No 2 people are alike. Unlike some others on this forum, I will never LOL about someone that is hurting or may have been in a rough situation. There is nothing to LOL in a divorce or family breakup, ever. I truly wish you good luck in the future and however it turns out for you.
o Penalty for Perjury
Divorce Courts rely heavily on "he said, she said" declarations, signed "under penalty of perjury." However, a computer search of family law cases published by the appellate courts shows only one appellate case in California involving a penalty for perjury: People v. Berry (1991) 230 Cal. App. 3d 1449. The penalty? Probation."
http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/articles/parenting-a-divorce-articles/78-hci-articles/published-articles/98-lying-in-family-court
Dodgeball Something to consider before you split up...
https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2018-02-15/tax-overhaul-seen-spurring-more-acrimonious-divorce-negotiations
Dodgeball, you sound bitter. In my experience, the bitter party is almost always the offending party. You also sound like a woman hater. Are you sure you should have been married to a woman? Just saying....perhaps some truth seeking is in order.
DevilsFan Dodgeball doesn't sound bitter...he sounds like someone who has had his eyes opened to the reality of how family law and female imperatives collude together to give men the shaft more often than not. We all know that 50% of marriages end in divorce but many don't realize 70% of divorces are initiated by women, and courts are very unfairly biased against men. Women have a much better chance of getting full custody, child support, alimony, etc...regardless of who is at blame for the marriage ending. In fact, sadly, the only thing men have a better chance at in divorce is suicide which happens 17 times more for men than women as men watch courts decide to pull their children from them and they face the prospect of a crippled financial future.
If you were to look at marriage from a cost benefit analysis, there is little to be gained as a married man and potentially much to lose, the exact opposite for women. This surely factors into falling marriage rates as men decide it just isn't worth the risk.
Eperot MGTOW
So women wonder why guys want no part of them anymore - crap the guys living next to me are all working 2 jobs to pay for their rent - their alimony and child support so they don't get locked up!
The guy next to me is so gun shy - he doesn't go into any females apartment or wants any female in his apartment for fear of a lawsuit..even if they ask for help. Nope.
Hey feminist women you won - men want nothing to do with you!
Why cause the courts will screw them over and over and over and over!
Peace out
ru M.G.T.O.W
Men Going Their Own Way is a statement of self-ownership, where the modern man preserves and protects his own sovereignty above all else. It is the manifestation of one word: “No”. Ejecting silly preconceptions and cultural definitions of what a “man” is. Looking to no one else for social cues. Refusing to bow, serve and kneel for the opportunity to be treated like a disposable utility. And, living according to his own best interests in a world which would rather he didn’t.
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=MGTOW
Liberty Thinker you have the same avatar as Justsaying, the OP. That means either you are the same person or the spouse. You two should speak privately or stop trolling. Either way, I wish you well and hope you work out your issues.
Greg Wait wait, I've been a divorced women for 12 years and I've raised my kids by myself without there dad. He wanted nothing to do with them after a new relationship. I wasnt sour and going after him. U cant classify women as all the same. But i will say that I have taught my boys specifically not to be put into a bad situation with girls who dont want to do the walk of shame without a good aliby. So therefore there shouldn't be stereotypes about males or females. Don't under stand where this thread is going all he did was ask advice. It's simple if it's loveless move on.
Kikinj Cmon - give me a break!
If NJ is not hostile to males in Divorce court than you haven't been looking to hard.
Guys are screwed in NJ!
Peace out
I'm gonna say this!! New Jersey is a no fault state. U can get divorced for anything under the son including cheating men or women. It all depends on the facts of the marriage. Who maintained household, who made more, who paid bills, ETC, ETC. So please stop with the whole women thing. I have always made more than the ex. So i didnt get anything but all the bills for my kids. He wasn't ordered to pay anything other than 40.00 per week per child. In all sense of the system women do get screwed but men dont listen to know about it. I dont complain back then I was happy we were divorced. Still am wouldnt change a thing.i loved taking care of my kids and it won't change. This forum is stupid. Just move on. How many times can a man beat a dead horse???
"how many times can a man beat a dead horse?" ----- Kikinj
Answer:
ad infinitum
RU I guess u totally must have gotten screwed for all the anger u show. If ur women above u is so bad talk to the landlord. It terminate ur lease. If ur miserable leave not that hard to do. Ucan break a lease if living conditions r too much to deal with. Maybe record what goes on with the screaming. Then u have a good way for her to b evicted or u can leave without losing any money. But if u r so unhappy I would do something about it. Good luck...
Ps. U dont hurt my feelings. Most men who dont want to take care of there children feel they get screwed. Don't reproduce if u cant deal...... my ex is a loser in one rehab to sober living, rehab, sober living endless cycle. Never ends. But i make sure "I" take care of my kids. I work my ass of to provide and don't expect anything from someone who cant even maintain what he would eat for breakfast. So stop with ur sarcasm. I know plenty of women that have been screwed over by men and the same with men screwed over by women. It's all relative.
Kikinj
No two situations are the same, your claim is that you just happened to land on the other side of the coin. I do not know your personal situation but have no reason to doubt you, and this does happen to both genders.
Statistically, you should have been better off but it did not turn out that way. Men generally do worse in divorce situations, this is really not disputed anywhere. You are raising your kids, not him, maybe it was his choice, maybe not. Maybe he had a career that would not allow him to be available if one of them was sick. Maybe he did not want to see them at all. I don't know. I will not judge your situation.
"In all sense of the system women do get screwed but men dont listen to know about it." This is not a true statement to generalize although I have no reason to dispute your claim that this happened in your circumstance.
Also, some men ACTUALLY do like taking care of their kids. I hear women complain all of the time about how hard it is. I have my daughter EVERY weekend, and she is a joy to have. I've heard how "raising a child is harder than my job" , well, not harder than my job that's for sure. And much more pleasurable, and like you, do not want to trade it for anything in the world. Once again, not all situations are alike, I only have one that is very pleasant, someone else might have 3 that are more of a handful. So when one compares raising a child to a job, how stressful and how hard that job is determines the comparison. Some people have easy employment, others get beat to death at work.
Just watched the TV show Homeland, first episode of the season. What does the lead character (Claire Danes) do to get rid of the man tailing her. She does something only a woman could do. She approaches the help desk and claims the guy exposed himself outside the ladies bathroom, which gets him taken away so she could leave.
False allegation by female instantly eliminates the male. That's the message, I want you out, I can make something up, out you go, go prove your innocence. I don't blame men as this is a real fear-companies now do not let female and male colleagues share the same rental car. A woman could make an allegation to get a job promotion, and it does happen.
This country is truly divided, Nationality, Race and now Male vs Female.
United we stand, divided we fall. Guess we will see. Always remember to put the Almighty Dollar first...
Speaking of the red pill, there was a documentary about this called the red pill that came out a few years ago. One sided, yes, but the view from “the other side” necessarily has a different perspective (for those of us who acknowledge that perspective makes a difference and is real lol)
http://theredpillmovie.com
Justintime Ru she is getting a free ride for the state. She probably has a man who is not on the books as living there or she would have problems qualifying. The real problem is that it creates generations of unmotivated people.
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