Christmas Jokes/Pics/Cartoons
I have been seeing a bunch lately on FB and what not. Though it would be fun to start a thread.
Calico696 
One year I sent out Maxine Christmas cards that said: "know what I do with those pesty carollers?" and inside it said "spary with the hose; they freeze up quick!"
most people loved it~
gardens 
http://tosh.comedycentral.com/blog/2011/12/01/frostys-pain-relief/?xrs=synd_facebook
Adult humor. Do not click on the link if you're a prude :P
Lori...since '73 Little Johnny's Letter To Jesus
One Christmas, Little Johnny sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus. I have been a good boy most of the year so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He goes on doing the same thing repetitively. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, and locks it into the closet. He takes then writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."
Bonv
Firefly 
jrsemom 
oldman 
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."
But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.
"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.
"I got it at a tree lot."
"Then why did you bring an axe?"
"Because I didn't want to pay."
INeedMoreCowBell 
What do you get when you hook up a snowman and a vampire?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
FROSTBITE! ;)
abbadabbadoooo 
htown newbie Cute htown newbie.
Thanks for the electric guitar you gave me for Christmas," little Chris Cody said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got."
"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.
The snow globe is my favorite! Cracks me up every year! Keep watching and give it a shake now and then. The best is when you hear them screaming! It's sick, but hilarious!
http://www.macbrosplace.com/wp-content/uploads/Flash/snowglobe.swf
SueR 
Tracy 
Hey, now!! This isn't the "Holiday" thread or "Seasonal" thread. Stop trying to water down the Christmas thread!! ;)
reedfamilyrocks 
theres some innovative ways to do a Christmas tree... Disclaimer...do not try this at home... this was performed by trained professionals
Just Asking 
daytripper Very cute day tripper.
Long but funny:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2011
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2011
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our " Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2011
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Company Memo
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2011
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2011
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
Company Memo
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2011
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
====================================================
Coralie why thats called all inclusive and politically correct...and diversity...all on one plate...and the USA is called the melting pot...more like a boiling cauldron...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8Qkp2VUvR4&feature=share
This is for pet lovers, especially. Dog is waiting for Santa. You have to crack a smile watching this.
Loved that too, INeedMoreCowbell...thanks! Going to forward it to my friend in Tennessee who just got a new puppy for Christmas.
joyful 
CBGB Do you know why Santa is always jolly???????????????????????????????????????????
He knows where all the "Bad Girls" live
Longhorn 
maja FRUIT CAKE RECIPE - Guaranteed to put you in the holiday spirit.
You'll need the following: four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle or two of rum.
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. If it's good, let's get started.
Take a large bowl, and a measuring cup. Check the rum again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one seapoon of thugar, and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum has retained it's fine quality. Cry another tup. Open a second quart if necessary.
Turn off the mixer. Break two arge leggs, and add to the bowl, and chuck in the cup of fried druit. Mix on the turner, and beat till high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of pepper or salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the rum. Now sift the lemon juice, and strain the nuts. Fold in some chopped butter. Add one table. Spoon. Of brown thugar or whatever color you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 gredees. Don't for get to beat off the turner. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake. Feed to your goat. Check the rum again, and bo to ged.
has anyone posted this one yet?
PS- shared form George Takei's post on Facebook. His stuff is almost as funny as The Onion:)
blackcat 
OMG!! INMCB no one should never complain to me about my blow ups! Thats a overload for sure.
BTW I did not put up any this year!
Christine 
INMCB-If I allowed him to, my DH would do that. Thank goodness one of us has a brain. LOL!
mona 
Rebecka 
3wbdwnj 
GC 
A Scotch Christmas
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
****This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.****
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..
I can't wait until next Christmas.
Lynnada 
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