Moving & leaving my young adult behind, what you think?
I been in USA for 24 years, I'll be 40 years old next year.
I been working since the third day I got here, I have 4 kids one will be 21 by the end of December, 12,10 and 6 years old.
My husband is from Puerto Rico and we want to take our 3 little kids to my country (Ecuador) my adult child still live with us, last week we told my kids we are moving to our small house in Budd lake so we can be able to pay our mortgage with in 15 years so we can retired then and they all desagreed, and my adult child said I'll never move in a small room to share with my brother, do your thing and I'll see what I do he said.
Fine, that night I Spock with my husband and he said if that does not affect my older child then let's move to Ecuador, we will not need to work anymore and we will have all the time for our kids. "We have rental properties in NJ"
A family of 3 can live with $500 , of 6 with $1000
And we are 5 so we can live with $2000 very comfortable.
Here is the problem, my adult child is going to school and change his major twice and now we have a deal. I already paid his first semester, second he have to pay and if he does good I'll reemberse his money and will be the same with every semester but now he does not want to pay and he is upset that I am leaving him. He works he is a cooker and that was his first career, he did not finish but helped him a lot to find a good job. I told him that I will pay him for a room and now he does not even want to talk to me.
If I stay and retired when I am 55 I'll lost all my kids.
I'll not be able to stay here, USA is very expensive.
I have all my sisters and brothers here bit a lot cousins mom, aunts are there.
Am I doing right leaving my child?
Eli How old are we talking?
If he doesn’t want to pay for school, he can drop out. You offering to reimburse is more than reasonable.
You are not required and shouldn’t support your kids forever.
Nosila Eli
That's a very tough choice to have to make. If you do decide to leave, then you have to be comfortable with his aunts and uncles being his emotional and physical "support system" here. Personally, I think your idea of downsizing your living space (house) is perhaps the best idea and finding a way to ensure each child has a bit more privacy may make it easier for them to make the adjustment.
I shared a bedroom with my younger brother (4 1/2 years difference) for most of my life through adulthood, with only a 2 year period when I was in 9th & 10th grade when I actually had a room of my own. After that, we moved and we had to once again share a room that was even smaller then I had to myself for those two years.
Even if you don't wait for the 15 years you need to pay off the mortgage, I'm guessing all your children will likely be out and on their own after a bit and they'll no longer need to share rooms anyway.
Good luck on whichever path you decide to take!
Phil D. Eli, Ecuador now and for the foreseeable future is very economical and has good and cheap health insurance. Seems like a no brainer, you don't have the funds to retire here at a young (or probably any age in NJ). The wildcard is your eldest Son. Can you assist in opening a business for him in Ecuador, restaurant, etc.?
iJay You and your family are the only ones who can decided. No one here can know the situation. You have to understand if your son is going to feel abandoned if you take the rest of the family to some other country. But whether that's right for you or not is only your business and only you can decide. What other people think is irrelevant.
GC Ijay,
he does not want to move to Ecuador, cooking is his backup job, what he want to do is music and travel the word, he said If we go he will not be able to do what he wants.
As GC eluded YOU have to live with the decision. With your comment above it seems difficult but it is not your responsibility to pay for his world travels. Music and World Travel sounds great but who pays the tab? Seems like a typical Millennial problem, good luck.
From the viewpoint of a child, age 12, 10 or 6, if my parents had decided to devote all of their time to me, I would rather had never been born :) So other than that, is it a good move for them? Schools?
Future opportunities? Is the great place to retire a good place to be a young adult? Will they turn 18 and leave you?
I don't think the issue is doing right by your 21 year old. You are not, but that's ok. He's an adult. To me, the big deal is you are transplanting not so young children to a country foreign to them, in the hopes that they will choose to stay. So that you are pleased and happy. Big gamble. I agree though, moving to the smaller house is smart.
maja2 Maja 2
Schools are good, it all depends if kids want to study and if parents can provide with good education.
I have little cousins from different houses one Soon will be a doctor
One dentist one is an Arquitect, nurse and one is a wonderful dancer that travel to other countries. And my son have the oprtunity to study but he does not really want to.
Are they fluent in Spanish (including grammar)? They will need this not to fall behind in school, or are you going to pay for an international school which will be $$?
Ijay
They understand %100 but do not speak much
Will not pay an international school because Most of the international schools pass the kids to next grade just to keep parents happy.
If I find a good one I may put them just for the first year.
I will have to teach them Spanish at home, we will not be working so we will have all the time for them!
Everyone I know who moves abroad sends their kids to an international school unless their children are fluent (reading and writing) for their age in the native language.
I can't speak to the international side of this, no experience.
But I have lots of experience being left behind!
In my case, it helped that we moved a lot. So when I finally went to college only to find out my parents moved without telling me, I laughed. Not an issue, I went to my home, my old town, that summer without my parents. Found a friend to stay with and just kept doin what I was doin, working and going to school. By graduation, my parents had moved again; they told me upfront this time!. But I still went to my old town, my stomping grounds so to speak to start my post college life and career.
It was the fact that we always were moving that made it easy to be left behind. And I didn't even have the internet or free long distance to make the distance shorter. No matter, no biggee. Then again, I could always drive to my parents, never more than eight hour drive away.
strangerdanger If you think it is expensive for you to stay here how do you think your child can survive? I totally understand how you feel about leaving. We are grappling over a decision to leave NJ also. But the reason I cant make that decision is I have a recent college graduate and she could never make it on her own right now. Between student loans (not too much), rent, electric, gas, car insurance, food and necessities her current salary does not cover it all. It took my other kids 5 to 6 years to make enough to live on their own after their college degrees.
If you want your child to go to school you tell him this is the deal. I will pay for school if you go but if you don't you either come with us or you are on your own. Give him the choice to make. BUT remember its not easy like it was when we were staright out of college. (I am same age as you)
Good Luck and have the whole family in on this conversation. BTW I have a friend who are building in Guatemala in preparation for their retirement. Its a beautiful place and quite a change from USA
Christine Your son is a 21 year old man. You have made some very generous offers to him. It's up to him to decide how and where he wants to live his life.
SL Thank you Christine, I thought it was just me spoiling them some more :<)
After 2008, getting a career started took on a whole new dynamic.
Exactly SL....HE IS AN ADULT!!! Time to grow up. Figure out how to live and pay bills like many of us had to do.
At age 21 you certainly should not need your parents paying your way. Get s second job, find a couple of roommates, eat Ramen noodles, whatever....but life has now begun!
JRT JRT - Exactly, sink or swim. The number of adult "children", these days, living with and off of their parents is appalling.
I work with a woman who has two adults sons, 34 and 30, still living at home. They both are college graduates and still haven't found full time jobs yet. Seriously? She is in her 60's and had planned to move out of NJ to be closer to her sister. She says she can't, because she doesn't know where her "kids" would live. Really? They are grown men!
Another story, I know two brothers who are 40 and 37 years old. Their parents finally retired to Florida two years ago, but had to buy a condo here so their sons could live there. The parents pay all the bills. Insanity! When is enough, enough?
Sadly enough, these are just two examples of many more stories I know first hand.
Calico696 So, I had real abandonment issues after my mom and stepdad moved to a foreign country while I was at college - totally messed with my head. There were a lot of things going on too, so it wasn't just that, but it certainly did not help. The long and the short of is was, I survived, it wasn't pretty, but I survived. I would never do this to my child, I wouldn't support them financially, but I will always be accessible - drive or short flight.
The other concern is the younger ones too - the smaller house in Mt Olive would be pragmatic - You'll still have about 12 years before you can make your grand escape. It would be a reality check for the kids, but they'd adjust easier than an international move.
The big advantage you have is that there is immediate family in both locations, so having family support is awesome.
As mentioned above, you have a lot to weigh, but ultimately you have to do what is right for your family. You'll get a million different viewpoints here.
The basic paper with the 'reasons to stay' in one column and the 'reasons to go' in the other and make the list. Even if you weigh some reasons, you should get a pretty clear picture.
~trekster3 I get very frustrated with people saying that at 18 or 21 your children are adults and should be supporting themselves. That was fine 40 or 50 years ago. Most people were married with children at those ages back then. Things are different now. I am in no way saying that a parent should support their children indefinitely, but I think it is unrealistic in most cases to expect that a 21 year old can completely support themselves. With school cut off dates as they are, my child will be almost 22 years old by the time they finish college. I have known so many people that have completed college - even master's degrees and they can't find a job in their field People don't come out of college making huge salaries right away - unless they get lucky. Of course, this doesn't mean that they should wait until they find something that they can be totally self supporting to accept a job, but with the cost of living and student loans, it is difficult. It is a parent's choice as to what they will expect/accept from their child. If they want to continue to support them, that is their choice, but they shouldn't complain about it and no one else should care. With that being said, I am a little confused by the original post...do you want to go now or in 15 years? It doesn't sound like you are struggling right now here in NJ, not many people can say we are moving to our smaller house...most people don't have that option and not many people can afford to reimburse their children for college tuition without taking a loan. If the 21 year old is not talking to you is it because he will no longer be supported by you or is he upset because you will be taking his whole family away from him? You need to do what is best for you and your family - all of them. I completely understand preparing for your future and retirement, but you are only 40 years old. Retirement is at least 27 years away. If you own rental properties, they will most likely be paid off by then and the sale of those homes would greatly support your retirement. There are also more affordable places to live in the US. I don't blame your son for not wanting to move. His roots are here in the US...it is what he knows. I am sure that he has dreams and plans that maybe he won't be able to achieve in Ecuador. Maybe he just loves his family and wants them to stay together and if you have been totally supporting him all along, you can't expect him to jump for joy to hear that you want to leave the country and he is completely on his own.
Santa's HelperYour oldest is still growing mentally. He is not able to make good decisions yet. Legally at age 18 he is an adult, but in America we tend to our children until they are about 25. The bigger question about his education is, how is he doing? Is he flunking out of classes , or is he doing well? Did he just choose to switch majors, or did he fail his first choice ? Has he been dabbling in drugs, including marijuana, or drinking and partying a lot?
He says he wants to go into music. Did his advisors at his college tell him that he has the potential to do well in this area?
These are big things to think about. Meanwhile, many people struggle when they come to a new country and do not speak the language fluently. You may be pulling the rug out from under your younger children by moving them into a country where they do not speak the language well.
If you choose to move to Ecuador , before you go, it would be a great idea for you to invest in the Rosetta Stone ($$$) to teach them VERY WELL how to speak the language , before they need to change Everything they grew up with, and then deal with the challenge of learning how to communicate clearly to make all new friends.
Lots to think about.
I wish you the best of luck. Take your time and think about this for about a year. I like the idea of weighing both sides on paper back and forth before you choose what you want to do. Money isn't everything. Our children are our everything.
Lili They won't have the ESL classes unless you go to the international schools (Rosetta Stone won't get you there). In Ecuador maybe only in Quito they are decent? These schools are generally in South American locations with foreign business executives, think Bogota, Rio De Janeiro, Sao Paulo, Buenos Aires, Santiago, etc.; and they are pricey $$.
All I can say is I was married at 22 and my mom and dad were married at 19 and 20 respectively and already had me and an apartment. Mom worked 2 jobs while the old lady landlord watched me in the apartment downstairs. My dad was in college during the day and worked at UPS all night and the Gulf gas station all weekend to pay his own tuition and help mom with the rent and utilities. They only had one (very OLD) car so my dad would hitchhike to school and work and back home, so my mom could get to her two jobs.
Times have definitely changed! .
Heidi The biggest problem for people, at least right now, is a health care. If you have even a decent income but not from legal work that provides you with medical insurance, soon or later you will be broke. If you know you will need medical services because of your health and family history, you need to plan accordingly. Living in a smaller house will help with bills but not with medical bills in a case of a big illness. It seems that federal/state help for medical services for kids are planned to be cut dramatically and there is an idea about cutting Medicare/Medicaid. You have to evaluate what you will do in a case of any illness (including dental care). You will have medical service for free anywhere but here. At the end it's not about house, it's about being able to afford to go to a doctor.
Obviously your oldest son doesn't want to move from US. This is his land and he knows all customs. He has to undergraduate here, US diploma is accepted everywhere in the world and he will be able to get a job here and in Ecuador. It's definitely hard to live without immediate family support but with some effort it's definitely doable.
If you have family abroad, your kids can spend summer vacation with them and improve the language. Make kids to communicate with family abroad by writing to them and doing video calls.
Don't feel guilty by moving. If you are unwell here, you will not be able to help your oldest son anyway.
Lena Heidi, yes...part time jobs definitely won’t pay for a Bachelors degree these days. Unless you go part time which could take about a decade.
HappyTeacher There is a big difference between helping an adult child who is making every effort to be independent, and completely supporting your grown children. I really don't care what subject/profession you received your college degree in; if you can't find a job in your field you work anywhere else, just to get a paycheck. If that paycheck is not enough you get a second job too. You help pay your way at your parent's house, even if all you can afford to give them is $10/week. You clean your room, you do your own laundry and you help with chores. If you are making every effort to earn a living, I have no problem with a little help from mom and dad.
But if you are laying on the couch all day watching TV, or going out with friends every Saturday night, because you can't find a job in your field, and mom and dad are paying for everything with no effort from you; well then that is just lazy and wrong. Sometimes the baby bird needs to be kicked out of the nest so it can learn to fly.
JBJSKJ My in laws moved across the country right when my husband was just starting college. It made his life very difficult and really affected him emotionally. That said, you are offering much more to your son than my husband got from folks. I think you are making a fair offer. That said...
I would likely stay here in the US for my younger children. I love America and all it has to offer. The education and healthcare are wonderful, and the opportunities are pretty much limitless. My brother’s wife is from Ecuador and she has said that would never move back there for pretty much those reasons. The one thing she doesn’t like about America is the family dynamic - it is more distant than how she was raised. She has a difficult time socially and feels educationally inferior to the people she works with. That’s her perception at least. Additionally, my brother is an organ transplant recipient (multiple) and the healthcare system in Ecuador simply cannot compare to the level of care he receives here. He has faced organ rejection and there is no doubt in my mind he’d have likely died had they lived elsewhere.
I think renting is a wonderful way to stay here and take advantage of all that America offers. It’s really a personal decision though and you need to do what’s best for your family. You might not have the same concerns that others would have. It’s a big decision and I wish you the best of luck!
Antimony Santa's Helper,
Let me clear this up. Week a ago I told my son we are moving to our small house bc paying $3000 mortgage it's making everything difficult, and if we move we can paid mortgage sooner, dad and I can retired when I am 55, And I'll be less stress.
He said why we don't retired like normal people do? i would never move to share a room with my brother. Listen hunny it's better so we can get a little free of our credit cards and mortgage. He said do your thing and I'll find a place on my own.
That night I Spock with husband and told him that my son does not want to move with us to buddlake so husband said then let's go to Ecuador. We can live from the rent.
Day after I told my son we are moving and he got upset bc his family is going away and also he will not be able to make his dream come true, music and travel the word.
Monday he texted me asking if I am going to keep prying his college, I said to him we have and agreement I did first semester you paid second and I remembers you after you show me you are doing good, okey you don't care I'll drop school right now.
I said is up to you. so why you are not paying college if you are going to pay for a room when you go to Ecuador? Are you paying 4,5 years for my rent? He ask I said that will talk whe he is ready I'll not text.
Tuesday night I when to his room he was playing video games, I ask why you are here and not in school he said I told you I droped you said you don't cake, I never said I don't care I said is up to you.
I can't believe he really did. I paid his first semester with credit card and I am still paying.
Lili,
He finish school at 18
He started college at 19, by march on his second semester I go home from a anyversary trip and he was sleeping I asked why he is not in school he said. I don't want to be a cooker all my life so I droop, he was not paying so he did not care
My son is finishing up his first semester of college and is also playing baseball for the school. I pay for everything, but if he was laying around and doing nothing I wouldn’t tolerate it. If your kids are trying to achieve something I think it’s a good investment. I didn’t get that when I was his age, but I wasn’t playing a sport in college either. It’s kind of hard to work and juggle school and a sport with all the training that goes along with it. Eli, it sounds like your son has his head in the clouds.
Metsman Lili,
He does go party 3 -4 times per month
He does smoke cigaretes and he said that soon marihuana will be legal in nj so he will not stop.
He does ok in school, he loves music since little so we told him to take that career but he did not look his self as a teacher and now after 3 years what he want to do is music
I wish he help at home, his only chores are Keep room clean, witch is not and take garbage out on Wednesday and he forgets every week.
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