Friday Funnies, 2019
4catmom 
auntiel 
Lamppost 
^Choose wisely, lol.
One of my male GSDs made that mistake with my female Rottie. He got the shock of his life when she punched him with both front paws, knocking him back three feet!
Courtney1
Roywhite Here is a charming amusing short film ( 17 minutes ) with Brent Sexton whom I don't know much about and Judy Greer whom I remember as the secretary on the TV series Arrested Development. enjoy
Full Disclosure
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFXKcNMCRTM
CBGB 
“I was in Moscow and I was in Russia and they treated me so fantastically. I met so many incredible people.”
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LgXXC7OTD3g
Steven Seagal parody Sheep Impact starring Steven Seagal
I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
SueR 
OK, this is for my Dad and after many years, thanks to the internet I found it ---- and now you can share my pain, but, of course, you really need to hear it. Think showtune.
From Benny Bell (Samburg)…..perhaps....it's a song verse (of course). Probably best left unsaid in the me-too error; but WTF.....it's Friday and I wouldn't care on a Sunday.....But if offended, I will apologize profusely and with great vigor!
We'll stroll again into the park
And goose the statues in the dark
If Joan of Arc can take it why can't you?
Buffalo Bill next time I pass
I'll stick my finger in his......eye :-) (that :>) is not me!!! but the dots are)
If Buffalo Bill can take it why can't you?
strangerdanger Someone posted on the Internet Cooking Club that they just baked some "synonym" buns.
Someone else replied: " Are these like the ones your "grammar" used to make?"
joyful "We strolled again into the park
And goosed the statues in the dark
If Robin Hood can take it why can't you?
Sitting Bull he didn't grin
When I hung whiskers on his chin
If Sitting Bull can take it why can't you?"
If showing up in a bathrobe with a box of wine and a tiara is wrong, then maybe I don't understand how casual Friday works.
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."
But John came fifth, and won a toaster
Greg 
Positive 
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.
"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between 15 and 20 million dollars ... and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
Mahatma Gandhi as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath.
This made him
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!
I wonder how much weed smoking was required to work backwards into that one, Greg. LOL, not bad though.
ianimal 
Calico696 
Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistentlysaying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I couldthink of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then, suddenly, there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Guilty-Remnant Just heard on the radio that a truck filled with Vicks Vapo Rub overturned on the highway.
Also heard that there was amazingly no congestion for 8 hours......
I heard a Dunkin Donuts truck overturned on the highway.
Traffic was reported as light with no sugar.
Did you hear about the cheese truck that crashed?
Street was littered with de brie
I know it's not Friday. But as long as tomorrow is Monday here you go. Made me lol.
I always knock on the refrigerator door before I open it...just in case there is a salad dressing...
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."
4th Grade English class question of the day...Use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Sally raised her hand and said:" I was " fascinated" by the rocks at the Rock Farm we visited". Her teacher said...No, Sally...that is the word "fascinated"...I want a sentence using the word "fascinate: So, Ellen raised her hand and said: It was "fascinating" when we went to Land of Make Believe the other day.. Sorry, Ellen...that is not right either...Please use just the word "Fascinate" in a sentence.
Johnnie raised his hand and the teacher asked him the same question..His reply was:" My Aunt Susie has a blouse with 10 buttons but she is so big on her top that she could only Fasten 8!!! Class dismissed....
My friend and I were at the local pub drinking the other night. I looked over and said, "Hey man, look at those two old drunk bastards over there. That'll be us in a few more years". He glanced over, looked at me and said "You drunk idiot, that's a mirror!"
Mrs. Raponi was invited to her son's apartment for dinner one night. Bob had mentioned to his Mom that he now has a roommate to help share expenses and that her name was Maria. Mom arrived on time and enjoyed a wonderful meal with both of them. While at the table she noticed how her son's eyes lit up each time he looked at Maria and how they acted around each other. Before she left her son said to her" I know you, Mom, and I know that look...Maria and I are just roommates and nothing more and definitely not sleeping together!'' A few days later Maria was making dinner and noticed their good sugar bowl was missing. She told Bob that she had a suspicion that his Mother might have taken the sugar bowl when there for dinner. So, Bob questioned his Mom about the sugar bowl..He said: Mom, I am not saying you "did" take the sugar bowl from my home and I am not saying you "did not" take the sugar bowl...But the fact remains the sugar bowl has been missing since you were here for dinner. Mrs. Raponi replied to her son" " I am not saying also that you "do" sleep with Maria or you "do not" but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her "own" room in her "own" bed she would have found that sugar bowl by now.
A Jamaican Doctor can't find a job after graduation and so decided to open a clinic and puts a sign post outside:
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20,000 JMD - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100,000' JMD.
A Barbadian lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100,000 and goes to the clinic...
Bajan Lawyer:
"I have lost my sense of taste"
Jamaican Doctor:
"Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth"
Baja lawyer:
"Ugh..this is kerosene oil"
Jamaican Doctor:
"Congrats, your sense of taste is restored.
Give me $20,000.
The annoyed Bajan lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Bajan Lawyer:
"I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything"
Jamaican Doctor:
"Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth"
Bajan Lawyer (annoyed):
"This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste"
Jamaican Doctor:
"Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20,000"
The fuming Bajan Lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100,000.
Bajan Lawyer:
"My eyesight has become very weak"
Jamaican Doctor:
"Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100,000"
The Bajan Lawyer (staring at the cash):
"But this is $20,000, not $100,000"
Jamaican Doctor:
"Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20,000
From a friend...
When one tries to "reason" with a lefty Democrat, remember you are dealing with a person who believes that a man can be a woman and a woman can be a man and that such a delusion should be encouraged, not discouraged.
Discouragement of the delusion is considered immoral and bigoted. Thus, our society has unnecessary dilemmas concerning bathrooms, athletic competition at all levels, and "pronoun" controversies subjecting ourselves to all
manner of laws, rules, regulation and more needless government control.
Here is a suggestion to break the left's ridiculous gender ideology and denial of biological reality.
President Trump should make a declaration that he is identifying as a woman.
The left will have to admit the absurdity of their gender ideology or accept and celebrate "Donna Trump" as the first woman President, thus beating Hillary, Liz Warren, Amy Klobuchar, Kamala Harris and Kirsten Gillibrand to the glorious goal of one of their "female firsts".
Furthermore, if he remains married to Melania, he will also be the first gay president and the first lesbian president. He will also be the first lesbian president married to an immigrant! What a most glorious event for the democrats to celebrate.
God, I love it when a plan comes together!!!!!!
Matilda Fuentess A day late but couldn't resist:
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapor Rup overturned on the highway yesterday.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours...
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson, that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left four children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great grandchildren, 10 great great grandchildren and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Man walks into a packed bar and announces that he wants to buy drinks for everyone except one man who was at the bar wearing a Trump supporter hat. He does that and the man wearing the hat yells out : Thank You!! What the heck? So, he orders another round...for everyone..except the man wearing the Trump hat and watches that he does not get a drink..Again, the man wearing the hat..Yells out: Thank You. This goes on one more time and then he says to the man sitting next to him...What is going on??? I am paying for drinks for everyone but the man wearing the Trump hat and that guy yells out : Thank you each time. Looking at him with a straight face...the man says:" He owns the place!!!"
ROBBY BABY 
A rabbit walks into a bar. He sits on a stool and asks for grapes. The bartender says he has no grapes. The rabbit does the same thing for a week. Finally the bartender tells the rabbit that he will nail the rabbits hide to a wall if he comes in and asks for grapes again.
The next day..the rabbit walks into the bar..he sits on a stool at the bar...he then asks the bartender for NAILS..the bartender says sorry no nails...the rabbit then asks for grapes
A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are due to be executed on the same day.
The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be
mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."
"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"
"That you kill me first."
Segue to a 1960’s biker joke...
A Harley rider and a BWM rider meet at the light in Hackettstown. The Harley rider leans over and says “let’s race.” The BMW rider replies: “sure, to California.”
two antennas met on a rooftop, fell in love and decided to get married....the ceremony wasn't much but the reception was terrific.....
zentravl 
A young woman is 3 months pregnant when she goes into a deep coma only to wake up 6 months later. The first thing she asked the Doctor was if she had her babies yet (she was told before the coma that she was having twins) as she noticed her stomach was flat. The doctor said" Yes..you had twins and you had a boy and a girl. Your brother was the only one in your family here when you delivered so we allowed him to name the children. The Mother yelled" Oh No...My Brother is such a fool...I cannot imagine what names he gave those babies! The doctor replied...Well, he named the girl baby Denise.....OK...that was not bad....Now tell me what name he gave my baby boy...The Doctor replied "Denephew!"
3 funny videos, Lets end women's suffrage
this one is good, he gets people to sign a petition to end women's suffrage, and it is funny
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ceXT8zJE7ys
this one keeps repeating over and over as the girls sign the petition "ending women's suffrage"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uPcthZL2RE
this one the dude is a bit deceitful saying suffrage and suffraging but they keep signing
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1J8uX9_-Bg
Megan Markle The Only Woman In The World Who Married A Prince And Made Him A Frog.
WALMART....you run in for chips and dip
and come out questioning the fate of the human race
How much does it cost for the Pirates to get their ears pierced??
Answer: About a Buccaneer
Weebiekins 
Iamrite Man takes wife to doctor for test, he gets a phone call.
Doc says, "I'm sorry, we mixed up your wife's test. We don't know if she has alzheimer's or corona virus."
Man says: "So what do I do?"
Doc says: " Take her for a long walk, then leave her there. If she comes back, don't let her inside!"
dodgebaal Ya gotta laugh.
"And then I see the disinfectant where it knocks it out in a minute. One minute. And is there a way we can do something like that, by injection inside or almost a cleaning?" Trump said.
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