Teens and Consequences
Can I please have some consequence ideas for my disrespectful and abusive teen ?
I am a single mother and have an alienating ex husband .
Thank you
Lost For abuse, call the cops. Have them learn the hard way that actions have consequences. If s/he thinks hitting you is ok, what are they going to do to their partners or children? Being a single mom is a tough job and having a aliening opponent makes the game harder than it needs to be, but you aren't their friend and winning the popularity contest with your ex isn't worth teaching them that abuse is ok in any way.
SiryaI back Sirya's comments. Abuse is a whole different level that needs to be taken seriously, no matter whether physical or psychological. I think LEOs need to be brought into the matter as difficult as it may be.
Joe Friday The answer to all of Amerikan's problems. Law enforcement. How about a family therapist first.
Dodgebaal If the teen has had a drastic change in personality..you may want to check for drug use . Counseling may be a way to go.
Teens can be challenging..but being bratty and disrespectful is different than abuse as the others have stated.
Hackettstown Wife Agree with the others that you should reach out for help. Sometimes it's not easy but you have to set clear rules and consequences. Be consistent. Take away what they want if the rules are broken. You know what it is. Use of the car? Phone?
It doesn't matter right now if he/she likes you. Someday he/she will realize you are trying to make him/her into the best possible person.
Once you start this and behavior changes let him/her earn back priviledges, acknowledge when he/she does something good.
http://enterarena.blogspot.com/2012/11/words-for-teenagers-by-judge-to.html
hktownie Thank you to al of you for your feedback . I sincerely appreciate it. My son refuses counseling . I turn his cell phone off and his father texts me “turn it back on” . His father ,my ex husband hates me and will do anything to have our 15 year old hate me. I fear him moving with him because his father is not a good role model, especially with women .
animal lover You should really look into some counseling for yourself on how to deal with your ex and your teenager in as peaceful a way as possible.
You need to be on the same page regarding what the rules and requirements are, and what the consequences will be if the rules aren't followed. And the consequences absolutely must be enforced.
If you think he may be doing drugs, you can mention this to his high school guidance counselor, and they can drug test him ( if you sign a form) if they think he is behaving in a way that suggest he is using drugs or alcohol.
If he is using drugs or alcohol, then the high school will have him go to mandatory counseling at the CAC, where they will also keep him up to date on his studies. While there, he will get excellent counseling as well as being monitored for possible drug use. And if he refuses to go, the police will back you up and make him.
Definitely do it soon. Once he turns 18, there will be nothing you can do.
Older Mom "If you think he may be doing drugs, you can mention this to his high school guidance counselor, and they can drug test him ( if you sign a form) "
And when it is determined that he is not doing drugs, and you set him up with a false accusation, he will love you so much more.
Better get it right. You have one shot at that.
Every situation is different, every person different, therefore every solution is different.
What’s common is that help is often needed. I wish you luck.
justintime https://www.loveandlogic.com/
You can sign up for weekly emails with great tips and advice. Check out their blog too...lots of good articles. Their way of teaching helps to put the responsibility back on the child and helps them find and use their own problem solving skills.
Also.......
There is a REASON for every behavior. There is a reason your child is acting out this way. It may be a good time to ask your child about their life. Are they angry...or sad about something? How do they feel about....how did they feel when...????
Having an opportunity to have an experience/feeling validated can be helpful and
healing. Hope you find something on the Love and Logic website that you can use right now to help you through this trying time!
Gardenfish 
Booster90 Dodgebaal...I would rather know if my child was using an illegal drug or alcohol. Do you think he would answer truthfully if she asked him and he is?
You may want to check into mediation through the court also to get your ex on board if you have joint custody
Haven't read through anyone else's comments and would just like to put my two cents in. It's possibe your teen is feeling disconnected from you family and him/hereself. Finding a deeper mwaning full purposeful connection..what ever it may be.. Church. .art.. nature.. a hobby he or she has.. and especially You as the parent becoming interested in WHO he or she is..can help build these bonds. Sports is another idea.or getting a part time job..volunteering at a shelter.. teens go through massive hormonal changes and can be withdrawn and explosive. .taking it out on the ones they love most.. I'm young enough to remember my teenage years. It's a rough phase for you and yours. Youre not the only one
Violence can only go so far and that is never recommended.
Dogsbarkpeopletalk It would be a perfect world if your Son would join a Church with you, an Art Class etc..It
isn't going to happen in the real world.. Sadly your X with poisen anything you say or try.. Bet your Son's friends have alot to do with his aditude.. check his cell...
Really hate to say it.....Let your X take custody..bad situation yes..BUT you are not going to win this battle. Just hope and pray you have instiled some values that stuck with him... And by the Grace of God he will realise that and come back to you... Be so very careful putting yourself in danger..even with a child you gave birth to and love.. We want so much for our children, they just have no idea how much we love them..
Smile every day Consequences:
Since turning off the cell phone inhibits contact with Dad, just have his text and internet blocked.
Disrespectful behavior should result in you not fixing him dinner. No outings or friends over.
Physical abuse, call police. You don't need to press charges. I'm sure they can give him his options.
Don't be so afraid that he will move in with dad that you enable the behavior. Sorry to say, your life might be more fulfilling if dad deals with the drama the majority of the time. Do call his school counselor for feedback and advice. Face the truth.
Is this his basic personality? A temporary reaction to an event? Good luck.
maja2 He see's your x treating you like dirt. He feels if dad can treat her like that so why can't I. He needs to know from you that type of behavior is unacceptable. Therapy for yourself is a good start, they can teach you how to interact with him. He doesn't need to know your going. If there is violence of any kind, he lives with dad. Cramping Dad's new lifestyle hurts no one but dad, and maybe your child will see the grass isn't always greener.
auntiel The teenage years are often when psychological disorders first present themselves, too. It might be something worth thinking about - although it is of course best left to a mental health professional.
kingcoriander All of you - thank you for all of your messsges I feel surrounded by genuine caring people . You have all given me great thoughts and resource ideas .
"Dodgebaal...I would rather know if my child was using an illegal drug or alcohol. Do you think he would answer truthfully if she asked him and he is? Hackettstown wife."
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6080549/24-year-old-woman-disappeared-kayaking-trip-intentionally-drowned-herself.html
"Just days before her daughter's death, Tabatha sat Whitten down for a talk and asked her if she was 'doing anything drug-wise'. 'She told us, "You're crazy that you would even think that!' and "You don't know what you're talking about!'", Tabatha recalled.
'We had a family conflict because of that.
It was on that night that Whitten decided to go away for a few days to be with her grandmother and aunt at West Point Lake.Now Tabatha is left wondering how she could have done things differently.
'We shouldn't have been making those accusations,' she said.
Conflict between parents, as all the posters know, can be very stressful on the children and their behavior, while needing consequences, is often a cry for help.
If a parent disciplines a " cry for help " first , the behavior can get worse. Children often first need help with
1. regulating emotions, 2. self soothing difficult feelings and experiences, 3. finding their place in between the parents conflict, 4. Not taking sides with one parent over the other, 5. Understanding parent alienation and how to stay connected to parents. Counseling will help . Added a flyer to help put this in perspective. If you want any further info can always pm me.
Just coach The girl was depressed. She did not kill herself because her mother asked if she was using drugs.
"The girl was depressed. She did not kill herself because her mother asked if she was using drugs." Her mother disagrees with you. It created a larger distance between the two of them. Falsely accusing someone of something does not create a bond, it increases the tension, and creates hostility.
"We shouldn't have been making those accusations,' she said."
animal lover.......Im so sorry you're going through such a tough time with your child.
I think the best thing I heard was for you to go to counceling...........if he won't go at least you may be able to learn how to handle whats going on.......or learn how to help yourself. kwim?
The worst thing I heard was something along the lines of " a good beating" helped me...well all that taught me was how to be sneaker so I wouldnt get caught......I swear it did NOT keep me from being naughty....just more cleaver....
Another great bit of advise I got from my father was never make a threat that you don't follow through with.....like if you don't do this I'll take away that and then not take away that..............sometimes this was easier said then done, but I know I've created some of my headaches because I didnt follow this advise.......
Goood luck
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