Would you force your child to go to college?

My child is now asking me for 1 yr off because she feels burnt out. She would like to work full time during the time and purchase a car. I am so afraid she will never go to college if she gets to comfortable. My deal is to have a goal while you are taking time off. Any experience parents opinions would be helpful. Help I'm stressed!!!!

luvjazz ✉
Apr '14

If there head is not in the game it is a large waste of money to force it but to your point a plan during that down time is important. Maybe intern or low paying starting level position of some form in a major area of interest to gain a better idea what major to follow through with when the time comes. So many people take on majors only to get out of school and find out it is not for them.

Jdem ✉
Apr '14

Who is paying the bill? If she is paying for school she can do whatever she wants.

If you are planning on paying you can set the rules.

My parents didn't pay for school for me so I decided to work instead. Then once I had a job that paid for school I started. Best choice I have ever made. I hear about all the debt my friends are in and I wouldn't be able to live knowing I owed that much money

Nosila ✉
Apr '14

Thank you maja. I should have mentioned that I am encouraging her and another important factor is that she was offered a scholarship and she will loose it if she waits one year. However she was told she can start in spring and she'll be fine. She would have to start all over again with scholarships and applications and there is no guarantee she would be excepted or offered the same amount of $. Dad and I are willing to pay for community college if she decides to attend instead of a private college. Tuition is a big difference and the college was her last choice. None her top colleges accepted her :(

Thank you :)

luvjazz ✉
Apr '14

luvjazz - how old is your daughter? You say she's burnt out - is this from college this year? (Please tell me she's not burnt out from HS.)

My random thoughts on the subject:

1) Working a job during college is not always possible. Some colleges are way too challenging for a person to have to hold down a job whilst maintaining one's grades.

2) Not everyone wants to, needs to, or is cut out for college. There are some wonderful trades and crafts that do not require a college degree. Think of artists. Some people self-educate. Others learn as they work. That said, if there is aptitude, I would certainly encourage college as it broadens one's horizons... but I've probably learned as much from traveling as I have from 7 years at University.

3) Lastly, I'm assuming she's over 18? You can't "force" her to do anything. I left home at 18 years and one week old, and never looked back. If she's an adult and has a strong mind and will, she'll do whatever she knows she needs to do, and this in all likelihood will be the right road for her.

Rebecka ✉
Apr '14

When kids are undecided on what they want to do or major in, I strongly recommend starting at an in-county community college. It's affordable and in the meantime they are gaining credits that can be transferred to many 4 year colleges/universities. Another factor is that kids are getting the feel of college life and are not as pressured as they would be in a 4 year college to start out in.

My daughter did the above and worked full time and maintained a high GPA. Not bragging, well maybe I am. Lol! Just today she received an award from the governor for Outstanding Academic Achievement. Now she is deciding whether to go to Montclair State or East Stroudsburg.

Rebecka has a good point, college isn't for everyone, but how will your child know if she doesn't at least try?

positive ✉
Apr '14

Hey guys, thank you all for your thoughts. She is a senior in H.S, is involved with at least 4 after school clubs and has a part time job in town and babysits . I will say she is not lazy and very good at being responsible. Dad and I are paying the her tuition. I don't agree with the burnt out part but then again I'm not the one doing her work. I just hope she makes the right decision. I feel its a waste to not take advantage of her scholarships. Her dad feels...scholarships or not do not waste your time and our money going to a school you don't want to be in. My issue with her is that she's not giving me answers as to what plan B is, so I am going to give her two choices.

1) Have a realistic plan/follow through
2) I'll make a plan for you, no ifs and or buts!!!

luvjazz ✉
Apr '14

Community is just that community. It is not "the feel" of college. Granted you get credits and that is a very valid point. But, do not get the impression that if you like or dislike a community college it gives you an idea of what a good college experience is like. It is totally different. I have taught at both and students have very different experiences. This is a very important time of a persons life and striving for the most varied, solid and well-rounded exposure to others and life experience is imperative. Do not settle. Strive for the best for you and your family. Reach. You have much time in life to settle. State schools are reasonable and scholarships are many. Research and encourage your children to do the same- for themselves. We are all changing and trying to better ourselves, we may not always know where we want to go -but exposure to as many different options is important and community is just settling. Sorry, it just really is. Justify all you want but it just not is a true college experience or quality of academic and social interaction.

Crazy Jane
Apr '14

Crazy Jane, Settling? How is going to a 2 year college and than moving forward to a 4 year college considered settling?

Furthering your education, no matter what institution you choose is the contrary of settling.

Just trying to understand your logic. o;)

positive ✉
Apr '14

I agree furthering your education is always a great idea - no matter what field you choose. I also know that "community" does not give you the exposure of academics, sports, diverse social connections, internships, travel, campus life, dorms, culture, superior professors, etc that a college experience will. Why settle for less than the best for yourself or your child when you know that opportunities are available with a bit of effort and research at an affordable price in NJ? Why not strive to be the best instead of just being within a small local area with limited funding and services?
I realize many people do this, I am just giving the info that other opportunities are readily available. Even if you have limited knowledge about the college experience you can research with your child and learn about reaching to better your situation - it is not all that difficult. People settle due to lack of knowledge not lack of opportunity. Reach in your life. You only have one- why not just strive not settle?

Crazy Jane
Apr '14

When I was a Senior in HS, I was completely overwhelmed by the idea of college an told my parents I wanted to take some time off before starying college. Mom and Dad didn't force me to do anything but we spent a lot of time talking about it. I was told I would have to enroll at either CCM or WCCC (that i would have to pay for), work pretty much full time, and contribute to bills. I decided to give college a shot and am glad I did. It was a rough transition, but it made me a stronger person and taught me a lot about myself.

You said she didn't get into any of her top choice schools. That might have a lot to do with it. Has she visited the school she would be attending? Can she arrange to spend a night with a current student? Maybe she would get a good feeling about attending.

Htown Resident ✉
Apr '14

I never went to college because there was nothing I wanted to do with my life that required college. I got a job the minute I stepped out of high school which has lead me to where I'm at right now. Which is 26 years old, moved out of state at 23 and started my own life. Absolutely no debt, a job I love, steady income, and health insurance. I see my friends who went to college living at home unable to get jobs or have student loans that keep multiplying. College is not always the answer. Best decision I could have made was not going.

Inntheknow
Apr '14

I should add that while my friends were busy being broke college kids I was finacially stable and able to have fun and enjoy my twenties. I landed a job that a friend of mine with a degree in the field couldn't get because I already had years of experience while she had none.

I guess if someone wants to do something with their life that absolutely requires a degree, they should go to college but somehow find a way to do it without racking up debt that they may never be able to get out from under.

Does your daughter know what she wants to do with her life? If not, a year off could give her time to live a little and figure out what it is. I personally felt like I would never be able to give college my all because I had nothing to work towards.

Inntheknow
Apr '14

Taking a year off after high school is quite common in Europe.

http://www.foxbusiness.com/personal-finance/2013/09/20/taking-gap-year-what-students-should-consider/

LeRoy Grimace ✉
Apr '14

If they have a set career they are interested in, then definitely college is a good thing.Even "trade" school is a good choice. Dont pressure them though, if they are not sure about it. We pushed one kid to go, but just wasnt for him (went 1 year). I'm hoping as he matures and grows, he will go back, just to have something under his belt. He is working, making good money and is HAPPY. Thats the main thing. The other child is at college, has a set goal, has made Deans list every semester and is HAPPY. Lol, a little bragging is OK. ;) Good luck to your daughter.

botheredbyuu
Apr '14

One more thing, "forcing" a person over the age of 18 to do anything at all is morally and ethically repugnant, and legally, I believe that legally, it's a crime of the third degree: N.J.S.A 2C:13-2(b)

LeRoy Grimace ✉
Apr '14

One thing is taking a year off and traveling Europe, another is taking a year off and staying in Warren County NJ...

iJay ✉
Apr '14

I take back the word force :) we are talking about why and what she wants. I'm being open minded and helping her be realistic as well. I did explain that staying home will automatically change some rules, like paying up and contributing to the house. I don't want her to settle for less but I also want her to figure out what she wants. I ended my conversation with..... You have to have a plan and tell me how I can help you. I also want you to want better for yourself and don't settle, I love you and will support you as long as you're doing something that makes sense, because you can't live with me until youre 40. :)

luvjazz ✉
Apr '14

luvjazz - besides, who is going to support you and your husband as you get older? :):)

BLD
Apr '14

The world needs ditch diggers too.

sack
Apr '14

Same story. I wanted to be a ski bum for a while. I still remember the story my dad told me about a coworker's son who did the same and it was tough -- ski patrolling in the Winter was great, hippy chick girlfriend sounded great, but painting houses in the Summer and tight money-wise. The father told him not to drop his health insurance but it was very costly for him so he did. Then he got into an accident on the slopes while snowboarding (he was one of the first to snowboard) and had 25-50k in medical bills (this was 30 years ago).

iJay ✉
Apr '14

Those of us who have had hardworking high school seniors understand the stress that these kids face. It wasn't as tough to get into college when I was their age and the workload, even among those of us who were "academically-minded" was nothing compared to what is expected of these kids. I work with this age range and I will tell you that for many this process is quite overwhelming.

So they graduate and are not certain as to what they want next. They are adults at this point and have the right to make their own choices. You, their parents, can choose to support their adulthood or continue to rule over them - decide for them. Certainly this should be a discussion, but your needs, at this point, are less important than theirs - it is now their choice. You communicate your belief in their ability to make choices/know themselves in how you respond. "Forcing" a child to go to college when they do not want to be there can lead to their sabotaging their performance - maybe your child is correct, maybe they don't, right now, have the emotional energy to resume and a year off - working/serving in community volunteer agencies, etc. might help them to refocus and mature. Perhaps, as many have suggested, starting with a few classes in a community college while working is a good start. What is a negative communication is to "threaten" not to fund school (if the intent was previously to fund it) unless they comply with your wishes for their future.

There are many kids taking a "gap year" and many colleges will accept them into their school and then allow them the gap year - putting off their actual beginning of college one year. I have worked with several young people who have been accepted into very good schools and were given the gap year - all that have done so have entered school the next year, but sometimes not at the school they initially selected - by their choice.
It seems to me that forcing a set path makes no sense.
There is no single, or "correct" way to grow. It sounds like your daughter is a motivated, intelligent and able young woman - you've obviously helped her to develop thus far, trust yourselves and her.

pmnsk ✉
Apr '14

oh crazy, you don't know what you are talking about - I work in NYC/Westchester county and have lived all over the country... Also, I never said that staying in Hackettstown was the only option, geez - Sounds like you are the one needing alternate perspective, you seem quite negative on H'town, perhaps you need to get out, experience more - then come back if you choose.
Gap years don't mean staying home twiddling your thumbs - the kids I know have made mature, appropriate decisions for them and gained a lot - they then knew what they wanted and were ready to pursue it.
You suggest that they make choices for themselves - guess you only think that if their choice is the one YOU would choose for them... "not for their parents" - my point exactly - please re-read the post, I think that you are confused - your post has contradictions.

pmnsk ✉
Apr '14

Leaving College for a while is not a bad thing if you have a good plan. The problem is what decisions are taken when you are off College, some financial decisions my force you into not going back.

I left College for a semester because I wanted to complete an Army school, at that point I had completed 163 credits out of 175. Came back and finished it.

You have to understand the process of your college taking you back, in my case I had to apply for re-admission and there was a chance they wouldn't take me back. I figured that since I was almost done they were going to take me back.

Was it a good decision? well on that trip I gave my resume to a person and the day after I graduated college I was working with them.

BrownEyesGuy ✉
Apr '14

My parents pretty much forced me to go to college. I really wish that I had known more about what I wanted to do professionally. Once I finished my four year degree in psychology and worked a little, I found I really love speech therapy. It was too late at that point. SLP would have required me to redo most of my undergrad and complete a MA. It would have meant 6 more years of school. I now have an MA in mental health counseling but if I could have done it over, I would have taken a couple of years off.

JMC ✉
Apr '14

I see your point about going to school when having kids because I had two kids when doing my masters, but there is definitely something advantageous to working in the same field while learning about it. It's also a plus to know what the value of a dollar is and have an understanding of what it means to pay for your education. I do have quite a few friends that took the eight year route and others that did the 150000 in loans while making 36000 a year after graduation. I just feel like the idea of college is changing and that our kids don't know how to take care of themselves even after graduation. That degree doesn't mean anything unless you're going to be able to use it.

JMC ✉
Apr '14

Hi everyone. Thank you all for your advice and sharing your own experiences. I would like you all to know she has decided to go away and take it one step at a time. I for one am very proud of her decision and will support her with her goals. It's been a tough couple of weeks and I am just glad she finally made a decision. Thank you so HF. :)

luvjazz ✉
May '14

Here's another avenue...

http://www.mikeroweworks.com/home

lizat
Aug '14

The math is in favor of college, see chart. That said, sure any education level can stay employed and make lots of money. It's just the law of averages. And my first post college job was much worse than mopping floors....bad economy.

But using the 150,000 in loans and the 24,000 extra dollars a college grad makes per year over a high school grad says in 6 years, it's paid off. And given a 30 year career, that's a minimum of $570,000 extra income the student would have to toss around.

I too got my first Masters while working. Not only did the job foot the bill, so worth about 5% of salary for me at the time, but the curriculum was very focused on what I needed to know plus I focused on what was important to where I was going. Now according to the math, it was only worth 11,000 per year extra, but clearly the median did not matter to me and the Masters was worth it's weight in gold.

So depends on the kid but the math favors education on average and payback for expense is well compensated for by lifetime's income.

The other thing I would stress is fields with "professional accreditations" like CPA, civil engineer and the like. Today there are many more of them and the value is that not only can you prove your current value re: continuing training but these fields tend to set benchmarks for minimal income levels. Any profession that has a "club" you can join with levels of accreditation and continued training seems a bit safer than those without. Sort of like a union but without the bad taste and growing organizations not under attack from management and other outside sources. Better protection from off-shore competition as well.

Again, it's just the math, the averages, the medians, but it appears that the stats say education pays. Not that money will make you happy.......but extra money always makes me smile more than less.

mistergoogle ✉
Aug '14

you might be able to debate when going to college is appropriate for a specific individual, but at no time is it true to say "To much education can be a bad thing." one of the problems in the u.s. today is people believing facts can be debated.

ken e
Aug '14