Subject: Pillsbury Dough-boy Dead at 71
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment Community. The Pillsbury Dough-boy died yesterday of a yeast Infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes In the belly. He was 71.
Dough-boy was Buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Dough-boy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Born and bread in Minnesota , Dough-boy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Dough-boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 Minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else that may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
Very good. I enjoyed it.
Best Obit I've read to date!
Husband calls home Friday afternoon from the bar with a message for his wife:
He says: Almost forgot to tell you that somoeone from the Gyna College called.
They said the Pabst Beer is Normal!
This picture is flat and made of chalk. I have dubbed this guy:
"The Sidewalk Illusionist"
Incredible art takes on a new form.
This is amazing!
Lifes' Embarrassing Moments
"A mother was taking a shower when her 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"
"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’
A spry youth was feeling frisky and opted to be safe so he proceeded to the drug store for his first purchase of condoms. The young man held his composure, gathered some courage, and asked the pharmacist for some assistance. The pharmacist asked the lad how many he would like. Having brought only a small amount of money along, the lad asked how much they cost. The pharmacist quickly replied, "three for four dollars. With tax that comes to four dollars and thirty-two cents." Alarmed, the lad nearly fainted and stuttered, " tacks! I, well, I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you" ... Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?" ... She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering
an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to
pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is
good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance
exam . I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test
as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
What two days of the week
begin with the letter T?
How many seconds are there in a year?
What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions
over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers.'
Forest replies, 'Well, the
first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year?'
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
'OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the
world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
Lord, Give me a sense of humor
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folks !
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keeps You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
God keeps You Going
The mind is a terrible thing to waste
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure."She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
LMOST TOO TRUE TO BE FUNNY !!!!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up (under duress) for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter, with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Bluetooth phone I'm supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at the local store talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.
The GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light, if I made a wrong turn. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I 'tweet'. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 65. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are. Us senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door opener are about all we can handle.
Gosh - Thank you - this was funny and I don't think you have to be over 65 to appreciate it.
This was a nice change from the tone of too many posts I saw today. Happy Friday - Everyone!
Oh Midnight gardener, that thing about Tampax was HILARIOUS, thanks for sending Friday of with a bang, lol. :)
mg1: That was hilarious! My favorite cartoon is two old coots walking in the park. One to the other, after complaining about all the techno gizmos, said: "We're getting out just in time."
An Amish father & son visited a mall for the first time. They were amazed at everything they saw, especially 2 shiny silver walls that could move apart and back together again. While observing these walls, an old lady limping with a cane walked up to the moving walls and pushed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked thru them into a small room. The walls closed and the father and son watched small circles of light with numbers light up above the shiny walls. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-yr old woman stepped out. The father said to his son "Go get your mother".
4 months ago I finally caved to my daughters multiple requests and purchased a cell phone. The phone came complete with a DVD disc. My eyes crossed but I figured out how to turn it on and make a phone call. Today I finally figured out how to take a picture with all these miniscule icons floating on top of the picture.... which one to push? What every happened to pushing a simple button to take a pic. Well one for me and technology. Now to figure how to download to my compturer. Tommorrow is another day.
Road trip see below:
this made my morning....
1 - Open Google Maps (directions)
2 - Type China as your starting point
3 - Type Taiwan as your destination.
4 - Read step 48
5 - When you stop laughing, forward this to your friends so others can laugh with you.
"Late Again!:, the third grade teacher sternly said to little Johnie.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this "un on my Daddy. The reason I'M three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked."
Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Johnie what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Johny and trouble were old friends but he always told he the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we get tis her low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night,when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shotgun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again....I'm gonna git him!" "Stay back", Daddy whispered to all of us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird....no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the henhouse he crawled. The he stuck that double-barreled shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared iknto the darkness, wikth a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
:Miss Russell, we all been cleanin" chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"
midnightgardener1 - OMG - Loved the direction from China to Taiwan - too funny
joyful - I got tears from that as well. Thank you!
It's Friday...Here goes!
A elderly man was stopped by the local Police Officer around 1 A.M. and asked where he would be going at this time of the night.
The man answered, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effect it has on the human body."
Really? The officer said, "And who would be giving this lecture at this time of the night?"
The old man replied, "That would be my wife!"
A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "I object, Your Honor! One of the jurors is asleep."
The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep... You wake him up."
Don't Talk to my Parrot
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.' 'Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'
'I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!' When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen.
Just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled:
'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'
To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'
So, you see, men just don't listen !
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God- with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him
in his Lycra aerobic outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice
is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other sh*t too.
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's
room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.
I hate that b*stard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the #**%!*** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.)
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have be someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather Channel.
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the A**HOLE) will choose a gift for me that is fun-like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
A few things you should never say to your wife during childbirth:
Gosh! You are so lucky. I sure wish I could experience the miracle of childhood or..
Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night football? or..
If you think that hurts, you should let me tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball..or...
That was just the kids on the phone wanting to know if you have anything planned for dinner..or...
You don't need a epidirmal..just relax and enjoy the moment....or..
Ooops!!! which cord was I supposed to cut? or the best one....
Stop your swearing and just breath!!
The economy is so bad that: I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. A picture is worth 200 words. They renamed "Wall Street" "Walmart Street". Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck
These are all so great !
These aren't jokes but a few are very funny: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2027534/Pen-stroke-genius-The-street-artists-make-laugh-poking-fun-signs-litter-lives.html
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do...live without fear, forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most beautiful man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
It’s beer that does all that.......
Funny Story About a Little Old Lady
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite anisette sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife..... 'Back off!' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'
Don't let this happen to you!!!
I was in in the public restroom -I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"........Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!" Stall: "So what are you up to?".......Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here." Stall: "Can I come over?" ......... Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!" Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!"..
There are female jokes and there are unisex jokes.
Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.
I offer it to you in the hopes that
Women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it!
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely,he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do
Anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... On one condition..."
Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and
Passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and
"Clean my house."
(YOU GO, GIRL!)
Midnight - that has always been one of my favorites! Thank you for adding it to today's list.
DIVORCE versus MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I’d like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walked into a bar in Alabama. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people in the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ingore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? ......It's not your fault he didn't stay in school. Never-the-less, ultimately you take pity on your neighbor and see that his children have milk, while you encourage him to accept responsibility for his situation and to work hard to acquire his own cows.
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. The Mafia shows up and takes over how ever many cows you really have.
POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls are.
CowBell funny, could not resist adding my own:
7. Corporate Runaway - traveling the globe
Two men were talking one afternoon.. "Ya know, I think I'm about ready for a vacation.
Only this year I am going to do it a little different. The last few years I took your advice and where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii and I went to Hawaii and Patty Jean got pregnant. Then two years ago you told me to go to the Bahamas and Patty Jean got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Patty Jean didn 't get pregnant again!
The other man asked"So, what are you going to do this year that is different?"
Answer, " This year I am going to take Patty Jean with me."
A man walking on the sidewalk noticed Little Johnny was a block ahead wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large black Labrador Retriever.
When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Little Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.
Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Cowboy Jim approaches St. Peter at the Pearly Gates....St. Peter asks Cowboy Joe, "Have you done anything of any particular merit lately?
Oh Yes, replied Cowboy Jim...you see.....I was on a trip into the Black Hills of S. Dakota when I saw a bunch of bikers threatening a young woman. I went over to this guy..threw his new Harley down on the ground and kicked him in the groin,...then I pulled his nose ring out and kicked the crap out of him.
Wow! said St. Peter...and when did all of this happen?
"Oh, about ten minutes ago" ...said Cowboy Jim!!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Sam moved to a new town and entered a big department store that sold everything under the sun looking for a job. The manager approached him and asked if he had any experience in sales. Sam said that he was in sales in his old job in S. Dakota...so he was hired and to start the next day. The manager said that he would see him at the end of the day tomorrow to see how he did. The end of the next day the manager asked Sam how his day went. He said he only had one sale and the manager was very disappointed to hear that as most of his salespeople averaged at least 20 to 30 sales each day. So, how much was your sale??asked the manager. Sam replied...it was for $101,256.65!!! What the heck did you sell? asked the manager.
Well, I started off selling this young man a small fish hook...then I sold him a medium size fish hook...then a nice fishing pole...and then he said he might want to take these items and fish in the ocean and did not have a boat..so I sold him a two engine Chris Craft boat...then he said that his Hundai car would not pull the boat so I sold him a 4X4 Expedition..
The manager was in awe!!! Please tell me how in the world you ever accomplished all of this, Sam?
Well, the young man came in to buy his wife Tampons, said Sam.
I said, Dude ...your whole weekend is shot anyway...maybe you should go fishing!!!
OK...Nobody else for jokes today...Here is another
A lady lays in bed with her husband and could not sleep for all the noise of the neighbors dog yapping all night long
She says "I cannot stand this one minute longer and going to take things now into my own hands to get peace and quiet.
She goes back to bed and her husband says...What did you do to stop the noise from the dogs??
"I put them in our yard", she replies..."Now let's see how they like it!"
Three old guys are out walking.. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience
in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs
is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all
and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what
lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row,
please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
You know how some things just strike your funny bone? Well, this did it for me. I laugh when I read it, even like the 29th time. (I am possibly strange, however lol.)
A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."
BLUEBIRD OF HAPPINESS AT CHRISTMAS:
It's totally "freezin", there's snow up my butt
All my food is covered with 3 feet of this white garbage
And you want me to sing?? What? Anne Murray's "Snowbird?"
Next year I am flying to Jamaica and leaving all of this "crap".
This one just sent to me and too good not to pass on. Here goes:
Wife out Christmas shopping discovered that her husband was missing so called him on her cell phone . " Where the h -ll are you? she asked.
He replied: "Darling, do you remember that jewelry shop where you saw that diamond necklace that you fell in love with and I did not have the money to buy you and told you that would be yours one day?"
Wife..with a smile on her face: "Yes, darling, I do remember that!"
Hubby replies: "Well I am in the pub next to that shop!"
The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin . A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her Father and says, 'So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'
'I don't think so. It's an 18 hour drive."
'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'
'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'
Oh Dad," replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington ..'
'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat.' Do they serve tap beer ????
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I'll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there.'
So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the Senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States ..'
The Senator whispers back, 'You bet I do.'
Dad says proudly, "Her brother played football for the Green Bay Packers."
Good one INMCB!
It was early Sunday morning and Bob was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the parking lot and started to walk home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. The police officer said, "What are you doing walking around out here at three o'clock in the morning?"
Bob answered, "I'm on my way to a lecture."
The police officer said, "And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at three am on Sunday morning?"
"My wife," slurred Bob grimly.
Your Duck is Dead--D-E-A-D!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry,
your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few
minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked
on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up
at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the
bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so
aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting
for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only did it all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. and slipped into a tight leather bodice,
a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos and put on a black mask for extra spice.
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting Well, for example, the other day, Dolly, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “asshole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Kate called him a “shit head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with "OBAMA 2012" stickers.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.
My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said," That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"
She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'
Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'
Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'
Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'
Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'
Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.
Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'
Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'
'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger
'Well,' says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'
Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'
Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'we’ve got to play a round sometime.'
Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money , and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'
Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'
Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'
A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says:
"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"
"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."
The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.
"Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?"
"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!"
Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes.
Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.
"What's this," says the drunk.
"That's a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender.
The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves.
Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced.
"Bartender," he says. "Gimme a martini!"
"No, no," says the bartender. "You're too drunk already. Go home."
Again the drunk notices the darts.
"If I can throw three bull's eyes would you gimme the martini?" he asks.
The bartender thinks, "This guy can't be that lucky again. I'll get rid of him."
"Sure, sure," he says, handing the darts over.
Bip, bip, bip. Three bull's eyes.
"Holy cow," says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it.
"What's this?" asks the drunk.
"That's a prize for being such a good shot."
"Oh," says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves.
Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar.
"Gimme a martini!" he demands.
"No, no," says the bartender. "You've been overserved already. Get on home."
Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says:"Would tossing three bull's eyes prove that I'm not overserved?"
The bartender can't believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull's eyes.
"OK," he says, forking over the three darts.
The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.
Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull's eye!
"Unbelievable!" says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail.
"What's this?" asks the drunk.
"That's a special prize for being so good at darts," says the bartender.
"Oh," says the drunk. "All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?"
Today I found out why I am having a problem losing weight:
It is not the metal fillings in my teeth that are acting like a magnet to draw me to the refrigerator door.
The handle on the recliner is not considered a exercise machine.
If you put a crouton on a sundae it does not count as a salad.
Telling the waiter at a restaurant that you are ordering skinless, boneless chicken and salad but want him to really bring lasagna and garlic bread instead.
Starting your exercise program gradually by driving by the store that sells sweatpants.
And...who would have thought....a balanced diet is not chocolate in both hands.
From Willie Nelson's book "The Tao of Willie." It's irreverant so read at your own risk.
Did you hear about the priest and the nun who took an afternoon off for golf?
The priest takes a huge swing at the ball, whiffs it, and says, "Shit! I missed."
The nun looks up sharply and says "Father, you'd better watch your language."
A couple of holes later, the priest whiffs it again and says "Shit! I missed."
And the nun says "Father, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, the priest whiffs it and once again says "Shit! I missed."
At that moment the sky turns black, the clouds begin to rumble, and a gigantic bolt of lightening comes down and strikes the nun dead in her tracks.
And then a voice from the sky says "Shit! I missed."
(Thanks again, DB!)
A married couple, both avid golfers, was discussing the future one night.
"Honey", the wife said, "if I were to die and you were to remarry, would you two live in this house?"
"I suppose so - it's paid for."
"How about our car? Continued the woman. "Would the two of you keep that?
"I suppose so - it's paid for."
"What about my golf clubs? Would you let her use them too?
"Heck, no," the husband blurted out. "She is left-handed."
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."
In the Classifieds:
1. For Sale: Set of Encyclopedias. Excellent Condition-No longer needed-Got married and wife knows it all.
2. Wedding Dress for Sale: Worn once by mistake.
3. Must sell washer and dryer- $100...Joining Nudist Colony.
4. Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel and 1/2 Sneaky Neighbors Dog.
5. Puppies for Sale: Mother is Kennel Club Registered German Shepherd- Father is Super Dog able to scale a 10 foot fence in a single bound.
The maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, see, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaz."
"The first is that I iron better than ju."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than ju."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife increasingly agitated says:
"Oh he did, did he???"
Maria: "The terd reason is dat I am better at sex than ju in dee bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No...dee gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
The polite way to call someone a bastard
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation... And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.
A attractive Blonde arrived at the casino. She seemed a bit intoxicated as she sat at one of the tables and bet $20,000 in a single roll of the dice. She said, "Hope you do not mind, but I feel luckier when I have no clothing on...with that she completely stripped from her neck on down. She proceeded to roll the dice and started yelling..C'mon, baby, Mamma needs some new clothes. As the dice came to a stop, she started jumping up and down yelling, I won! I won! She hugged each of the dealers..picked up her winnings and left.
The dealers looked at each other dumbfounded.. Finally one asked the other "What did she roll?" The other dealer answered " I don't know, I thought you were watching!"
The Moral of the Story...There is no such thing as a "dumb blonde" but all Men will be Men.
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........
"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a freekin "Chihuahua ?!"
A New Pet:
A man went to his local pet store and told the owner that he would like to buy a pet but wanted the pet to be something unusual.
After looking at many different pets he finally decided on a Centipede (100 legged bug)
The store owner put the Centipede in a nice little white box and the man took his new pet home.
Easter Sunday the man asked into the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today..it is Easter Sunday".
He got no response from the box so he waited a bit and asked again:
Would you like to go to church with me today and learn about God?
Still no answer from the box.
So, he waited a bit more...and put his face up to the box and shouted:
Hey in there, do you want to go to church with me today or not??"
This time a little voice came out of the box saying: "I heard you the first time, I AM PUTTING ON MY SHOES!"
MOTTO: Learn to be Patient!
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
Emmy Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
Vladimir Putin was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade when his telephone rang. “Hallo, Mr. Putin!”, a heavily accented voice said “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
“Well, Paddy,” Vladimir replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?” “Right now,” said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”
Vladimir paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Begorra!”, said Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back!” Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. “Mr. Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Vladimir asked. “Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”
Vladimir sighed. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.”
“Saints preserve us!” said Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.” Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day.”Mr. Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Harrigan’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!”
Vladimir was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”
“Jaysus, Mary, and Joseph!”, said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you back.” Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Putin! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Vladimir. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well,” said Paddy, “we’ve all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”
An old Irishman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"
The Irishman answered, "Definitely Parkinson’s. Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"
A man takes his wife to a disco. There is another man on the dance floor going crazy...back flips, moonwalks, the works.
"See that man on the dance floor? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I turned him down" the wife said.
The husband replies"What do you know? 25 years and he's still celebrating!"
This is not only a joke, it may be helpful advice for what might be happening in a few days.
As the storm approaches and the police order everyone in the neighborhood to evacuate, the stubborn old man tells them, "God always protects me and I'm staying
here in my house."
As the water rises to the first floor and the policeman comes by in a rowboat to rescue the stubborn old man, he says, "God always protects me and I'm staying here in my house."
An hour later the man is on his roof and a helicopter comes to rescue him. He sends the helicopter away, saying, "God always protects me and I'm staying here in my house."
Another hour later, the man meets God in heaven. "I've always been faithful to you, I still had a lot of life to live, this has caused grief for my grand children, why did you take me away?" he said.
God answered, "I sent you a car, a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want?"
This one comes from Bill Cosby -
Two oldtimers are chatting and one asks the other, "what is it called when you wander away from home and your kids can't find you?" The other replied,
Senior Pickup Line!
A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.
Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies).
The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"
A pretty young lady visits a doctor because she suffered a knee injury while cheerleading.
The doctor looks at an x-ray and says, "SO, what's a joint like this doing in a nice girl like you?"
Weight Loss Plan
A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"
He lost 63 pounds that week.
For the ladies.
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,"Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?" The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,"We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics. “So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?”
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying “Ehhhh… 22!”
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And can you tell us your height, please?”
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces “Five foot two!”
This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won’t have to count, measure, or lookup.
“Just to confirm for our records, your name please?”
The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying “MANDY!”
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks – “What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?”
“Ohhhh, that!” replies the airhead… ” I was just running through that song – ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear..
From the Tombstone of Russell J. Larsen located in a cemetary in Logan, UT....
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
Overheard a couple of teenagers talking: My Mom says never, ever to do phone sex...Because you might someday need Hearing Aids.
I hope this isn't tooo.....risque for here.
A woman commented to her husband...."I wish my breasts were larger."
He replied, "Rub toilet paper between them."
Puzzled, she asked..."How will that help?"
He replied..."It worked for your butt."
What do Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn have in common?
They're both going downhill.
I know it is not Friday, yet, but before I forget - thought you might enjoy_
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders...
Forget Rednecks .... If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in New England . If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.
If Vacation means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you live in New England . If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England . If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England .
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in New England . If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England . If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked, you live in New England.
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in New England . If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in New England .
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England . If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in New England .
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in New England . If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in New England . If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in New England .
If there's a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you live in New England . If you think everyone else has a funny accent, you live in New England .
If you actually understand these jokes, you live or have lived in New England.
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The sweet little lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."
Omg just saw this on Reddit: A guy told the waiter he had a food allergy when ordering at a Chinese restaurant. This was his bill.
OMG a German Shepherd driving... can't stop laughing...
There was a comment on another thread regarding the term 'misremember." It happened when Roger Clemens testified before congress and wanted to refute something Andy Pettitte said, without calling him a liar.
Reminded me about this quote, when I was a young sports editor at a daily, when George Steinbrenner was indicted for making illegal political campaign contributions.
His attorney, Edward Bennett Williams, did not want to say George had lied, so instead he said some of George's recollections, "were not in conformity with objective reality."
Don't you just love lawyer lingo?
True story from over four decades ago. We're playing an all-boys school called Christian Brothers Academy in a close, nip-and-tuck basketball game.
I'm about to be given the ball by the referee to throw it in, but he allows our cheerleaders time to finish a routine and get off the floor. The guy guarding me says "there's one thing your school has that we don't" and then he points at our cheerleaders and says "THAT."
Just something about the way he said it that cracked me and the referee up. You had to have been there. (=
A couple of other things about Christian Brothers. When we were warming up before the game I saw six priests sitting on their bench. I said to nobody in particular, "look at that bench, a couple of 'our Fathers' and 'Hail Marys' and it's all over."
I don't see anybody do it anymore, but their players made the sign of the cross before shooting free throws. We used to say it meant, "In the name of The Father, and The Son, and in the hole it goes."
Cheer up, spring training is coming soon, here are the players who have been invited to camp, to form the funniest team of all time.
Starting pitchers: Jim ABBOTT and John COSTELLO
Bullpen: MOE Drabowsky, LARRY Rothschild, and CURLY Brown.
Also, Rickey "BUSTER" Keeton.
Catcher: YOGI BERRA
3B: Willie "Puddin Head" Jones
SS: BILL MURRAY
2B: Henry YOUNGMAN
1B: PAT COOPER
Outfield: GEORGE BURNS, DAN THOMAS and EDDIE MURPHY.
Utility: JACK GLEASON
Coaches: Billy MARTIN and Johnny LEWIS.
Manager: CASEY STENGEL
These are all names of former big leaguers at their correct positions. As ol'Case would say, "You can look it up."
Yes... more Friday Funnies, please! Come on, I know you've all seen things that make you laugh out loud online this week.
When he's not on the disabled list, or on one of those family "vacations," CHASE Utley will be my second baseman.
I'm also trying to get relief pitcher Fernando RODNEY, but he says my contract offer showed him "NO RESPECT."
"You know you're having a hot flash when 3 degrees fahrenheit is more enjoyable than a York peppermint pattie!"
DH, over breakfast:
"I'm a 57-year-old M.D and my net worth is less than Honey-Boo-Boo's. I think that's how I'll introduce myself from now on."
Tug McGraw (a baseball pitcher) once was asked if he preferred grass or artificial turf. He answered, "I don't know. I've never smoked artificial turf."
Richie Allen's answer to the same question,
"If a cow can't eat it, I don't want to play on it."
Starting a day early this week. Saw this and couldn't resist. Pugs are so darned cute, aren't they?
it's a little long but....
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead
crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may
have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's
relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death
appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors
of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint
residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by
impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was
a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when
crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to
warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows
could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
Johnny Carson doing Ronald Reagan in a take off of who's on first -
Well, today we've got to put some Kinerisms on here ...
Once he was addressing a crowd at Shea Stadium on Father's Day, and he said,
"to all the fathers out there, Happy Birthday."
This is so stinkin' funny I had to post 2 days early. I dont care how sophisticated you are, this makes me giggle.
Another one like yours, old gent. Here is a German Shepherd eating peanut butter at a table dressed as a human.... I laughed to the point of tears, probably because the guy laughing in the video was so funny! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ri5cszSKEg
ok - almost Friday
How men and women record things differently in their personal diaries...
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans
to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my
friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a
bit late in meeting him, but he made no comment on it. Conversation
wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was
wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was
upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and
not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled
slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know
why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I
had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me
anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to
seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided
to go to bed. About fifteen minutes later, he came to bed. But I still
felt that he was distracted, and that his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
A two-foot putt; WHO IN THE HELL MISSES A TWO-FOOT PUTT?
Thought this was cute...
The Dinner Party
My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some we hadn't seen for quite a while, and everyone was encouraged to bring their children as well.
All during dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old stared at me sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.
I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.
I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response
The little girl said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
This is not a cute, warm and fuzzy one...but I think it's pretty funny.
What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this sh*t.
Back in the days when the Mets were a joke and everybody loved them, Casey Stengel was asked about a couple of young prospects.
About one, he said, "He's 20 years old and in ten years he has a chance to be one of the great stars of the game."
About the next one, he said, "He's 20 years old and in ten years he has a chance to be 30."
Whole thing is good, but go to about minute 4.10 in...........I couldn't stop laughing.
To all the wonderful JRT owners on HL...
Don't take this the wrong way, it's a joke! But I still don't know how you do it lol.
Ha!Ha! That's funny Rebecka... Honestly there are some days I don't know how I do it!! Oh and I have it doubled with two at home:)
My dogs are not normal that's for sure, but they have settled into a good routine at home and follow the rules ~ well most of the time:)
Don't let that fool you though because they are still nuts!
JRT - I don't have a Jack Russell, but do I know the pleasures of a CRAZY little dog. ----------->
That being said, I think it takes a special person to own a JR. Guess that makes you "doubly special!" ;-)
"Those dogs is CRAZY!!"
"Tell me something I don't know. Can you say OCD?"
If people leave their kids and pets in their cars on hot summer days, they are likely to do that, too.
Never underestimate the power of stupid.
Bubba went to Texas on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but a poor student.
At graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.
The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was standing room only.
The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma."
Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Bubba," he said, "How much is three times seven?"
Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"
Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."
A hush fell over the auditorium and the Texas students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
A single lady was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As she was unloading the items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but obviously was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right.
Looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about the selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her so she said , 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly
Never, ever talk to a drunk!
What did the Mother horse say to her baby horse?
Answer: It's "pasture" bedtime....
A fellow got so drunk at a bar, that he had no idea as to what time it was, couldn't even tell if it was night or daytime.
As he staggered out of the establishment, pointing at a bright light in the sky, he asked another patron, "Is that the moon or the sun?"
The guy replied, "I don't know. I don't live around here."
How many guys on football scholarships does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, and he gets three credits for it.
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Guatemalan.."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
The person says, "I not American, I'm Iraqi."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
DH just told me that he never knew what twerking was but he was pretty sure it had something to do with tweeting.
From Jimmy Fallon ...
When Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy mate, they will produce a frig.
Sometimes it doesn't even take expressing an opinion.
Sometimes people don't accept facts and just believe what they want to believe.
"Don't bother me with facts, my mind is made up."
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Love Grandpas answer :-)
BOB & THE BLONDE:
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar And stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied,
"I did, too, But I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
Why was the blonde spending hours staring at a OJ container?
Because it said: concentrate.
Hope you understand.
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed.
This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle' was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.
Was driving along on 519, watching out for the deer, but what happened?
I hit a pig.
Well, there was nobody else around so I kept going.
Cop stops me.
"I wasn't speeding officer," I say.
"No. I stopped you because you hit a pig down the road."
I say, "I'm sorry. Didn't think anybody saw me. How did you know?"
The cop said ...
the pig squealed.
Ok-Wednesday Funnies really, but this reminded me so much of all the HL animal lovers, I had to share. :-)
Haha lola! Now I really need to post of picture of what our bed looks like at bedtime.
I've been listening to some old time music recently and found an artist that I really enjoyed , Dick Stratton. I didn't find too much as for online videos so I decided to search the MAINS library catalog. It said there were no results but wanted to know "did you mean dick castration?"
HELL NO I did not
beware - x rated
Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch.
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a Virgin -- in every vay."
The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together... quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth .
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."
Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!
sometimes those old songs are just plain old funny
OMG I was laughing so hard all the dogs came over to see what was WRONG with me.
Everyone you need to check out the CBGB's link. Dying.
lol glad you liked it Rebecka it had me laughing rather loudly too.
seems like Billy Briggs is quite a character.
anybody who enjoyed that one may want to check out these two gems by him as well, Alarm Clock Boogie and Chew Tobacco Rag
In church last Sunday, I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you.“Dear Lord: The last four or five years have been very tough. You have taken my favorite actor - Paul Newman< my favorite actress - Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite singer - Andy Williams, my favorite writer - Tom Clancy, and now my favorite comedian - Robin Williams. I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hilliary Clinton, Nancy Polosi, and Harry Reid. Amen
5catmom, the funniest part of that joke was that they were honeymooning in Duluth (-;
sounds like something that happened to my mom , not the joke the prayer.
My mom decided to contact some old friends that were basically Christmas card friends. The first one she contacted were very hesitant until she explained who she was and they informed my mom that her friend has passed away the year before. The second contact was pretty much the same , her friend passed recently. When she called her bf to tell her the story he said , Maybe you shouldn't call me anymore but could you call Obama.
A man walked into a dentist's office and said, Doc, I think I'm a moth. The dentist said, I'm a dentist. You need a psychiatrist.....why did you come in here? The man said,
Your light was on.
Cbgb - I love your sense of humor.
Here's a cartoon I like about a sweet little Lassie.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
" Have you killed any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," He replied.
Intrigued she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone...
I was riding my bicycle at Loantaka this morning and got caught in an acorn storm. I heard a rustling sound ahead of me and next thing I knew all these acorns were raining down on me from some trees. It stung like heck but I was laughing and laughing. It was just too funny. and it was the first time I thought maybe I should use a helmet
Not Friday yet, CBGB, but that was funny. Hope you are OK and yes, maybe a helmet is now in order to wear while riding your bike....
ok so a day early --- A Delicate Corporate Matter
All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman’s office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.
Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.
As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, "Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?"
"Oh, no sir, positively not!" Bob replied.
"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"
"You'd swear to that?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere!”
"Good, then you fire her!”
Two Irish nuns sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to novice Sister Margaret, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."
So Sister Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin’ wankers, before I come over there and rip yer nuts off!"
Sister Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?!"
I had an enormous laugh today while at Lowes.
I was looking for some items in the paint department when an Asian lady walked up to the two male Lowes associates in the aisle and said "I'm looking for caulk" with a classic Asian accent. I quickly moved away and burst into laughter. I caught the look on one of the guys face as he tried very hard not to follow my lead. I had heard that skit many times before but never in real life!
Apparently I must have the sense of humor of a 11 year old, but boy was that funny!
Love what kids come up with...they know so much they are not given credit for.
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...
- "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
- "An ambulance just drove by!"
- "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
- "Matt's riding a new bike!"
- "Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
- "Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced...
- "The Coopers are having sex
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”
OMG sometimes I feel like this!! Happy Friday. At least I think it is Friday. I never am entirely sure what day of the week it is.
(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida)
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.
The guys were all at a camping trip. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you?
He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. '
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night .'
The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.'
Windows vs. Ford
For all who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX) Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:
If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash - twice a day.
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!
Back in the days of the Cold War, there was this Soviet Army officer known as Rudolph the Red.
He was relaxing at home, when his wife Natasha looked out the window and said, it's starting to snow.
Rudolph said, no, that is rain.
They argued until Rudolph authoritatively slammed his fist onto the table and said,
"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear."
A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.
Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a
terrific D-cup rack!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?'
Yes I am. How did you know?'
He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock'...
Great one, 5catmom!
Have a good night!
I ordered a light-up dog collar from a seller in Hong Kong on eBay.
A few minutes later I received a confirmation email: "Thank you for your payment to Latex Catsuit Co."
I should put down my mouse and walk away from the internet.
Because I can confidently say I've now seen it all. -->
And a few satisfying years after the wedding .....
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
'Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
A German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
A recent article in the Daily Post reported a man, David Harper, has sued St. Pauls Hospital saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex..
A hospital spokesperson replied: "Mrs. Harper was admitted for cataract surgery", "All we did was correct her eyesight".
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
and testing were done, there were three finalists:
two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one
of the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
The man said,
"You can't be serious.
I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said,
"Then you are not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home".
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes.
"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said,
"You don't have what it takes,
so take your wife and go home "
Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same instructions:
to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard one after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman,
wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said.
"I had to kill him with the chair."
I had a boss in the 80s who had a sign hanging in his office that said ...
"age and treachery will overcome youth and skill."
In those days, I was one of those youth and skill guys (-;
He had another one that said ...
"Everyone has a purpose. For some, it is just to serve as a bad example."
I think that today's television is awful. Other than sports and an occasional movie I don't bother.
BUT when I spotted Andy's Gang a kids program from the late 1950s I realize at least today's television isn't as bad as this.
Perhaps this will fit in the category of so bad it's good but not me , I saw just plain old bad.
I hope this is acceptable - It is funny after all -
On average, an American man under 75 will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man the same age
will have sex only one or two times a year.
This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
After Tug McGraw had pitched for the Mets at Shea Stadium, and had great success on their grass field, he got traded to the Phillies, and continued pitching great on their artificial turf field, so, as a young sportswriter, I figured it was logical to ask him if he preferred grass or artificial turf.
"Don't know. Never smoked artificial turf."
Last night I was driving and listening to a call-in program on WGN in Chicago. People were calling in, very upset, about the goat's head that was sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.
Then some guy called in from Indiana and said, "Why are you people so upset 'cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field? Aren't you Chicagoans the same guys that sent a horse's ass to the White House?"
I laughed so hard I almost ran off the road!
While driving down the road Sally who was pregnant was involved in a horrible accident which left her in a coma. Months later when she awoke from the coma she realized she was no longer pregnant! She asked the Doctor what happened. He informed her that she had twins - a boy and a girl. Your brother Bubba named them for you. Oh no she said my brother is not to bright what did He name them? The Dr. said he named the girl Denise. Thats not bad she said looking relieved, what did he name the boy? Denephew he replied.
A little boy gets home from school one day and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who has been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies, "Never mind, son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!"
a funny song
Tattooed Lady --by-- Skeets McDonald
I came home from the golf course today.
The wife had left a note on the refrigerator:
"IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore!!
Gone to stay with my sister."
I opened the fridge, the light came on, AND the beer was cold….
What the hell is she talking about?
ELECTRICAL THEORY BY JOSEPH LUCAS
Positive ground depends on proper circuit functioning, which is the
transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral
manifestation known as "smoke".
Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. We know this
to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical
circuit, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through
For example, if one places a copper bar across the terminals of a
battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery
shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke
escaping from an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage
regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer
functions. The logic is elementary and inescapable!
The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one
device to another. When the wiring springs a leak and lets all the
smoke out of the system, nothing works afterward.
Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for
some time largely because they consumed large quantities of smoke,
requiring very unsightly large wires.
It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly
more prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or
American counterparts. Experts point out that this is because Lucas
is British, and all things British leak. British engines leak oil,
British shock absorbers, hydraulic forks and disk brake systems leak
fluid, British tires leak air and British Intelligence leaks national
Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak
smoke. Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.
In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy
in the form of smoke provides a logical explanation of the mysteries
of electrical components especially British units manufactured by
Joseph Lucas, Ltd.
And remember: "A gentleman does not motor about after dark!"
Joseph Lucas: The Prince of Darkness"
A few Lucas quips:
The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark"
Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.
Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper.
Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.
The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other
three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.
The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.
If Lucas made guns, wars would not start
Q: Why do the British drink warm beer?
A: Because Lucas makes their refrigerators.
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.
She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open.”
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it
and gently tap edges with hammer.”
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really messed up now".
Men In Heaven
When everybody on earth passed on and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines:
One line for the men who were true heads of their household,
and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves
I created you to be the head of your household!
You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
I didn't find this funny at all oooooo pop tart oooooooooooooo Mrs Butterworth what a comedian
No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved, I love you Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.
"Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Jerry said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday......"
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Were outta here!"
I don't remember where I saw this , maybe here but I'll post it. and if ya can't read it let me know I'll write up the words
I could read them. I've been up north of the border, I enjoy the Canadian sense of humor. I saw one of the last games the Expos played in Montreal ... the other fans I talked with that day were great. Just looking at the caps those guys used to wear made me laugh.
I remember asking someone, how can you stand the winters? He said, you don't get it. When winter ends, we're depressed, no more ice fishing.
I suppose to live there, you've got to love winter, and be a little bit "off center."
Anyway, something funny off the top of my head .... hmmm...
Y'all remember Gene Shepherd, had a TV show called Shepherd's Pie?
A favorite line of his -- In God we trust. All others pay cash.
When Love Fades:
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV.
When I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen ask... "What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef or Lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, dear, I think I'll have chicken."
She replied, "You're having soup,asshole. I was talking to the cat."
Love it 5catmom.
Golf is a game for businessmen.
You drive hard for the green and end up in the hole.
Henry Aaron once said he got 3,000 hits in a 20-year baseball career ...
and did the same in one afternoon on the golf course.
Ted Williams used to say hitting a pitched round ball with a round bat, was the hardest thing to do in sports, to which Sammy Snead replied,
"but in golf, we have to play our foul balls."
A video "funny" ... Johnny Carson with Bob Hope, Dean Martin & George Gobel - some really funny moments: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FyPxUA-Ik1o
sticking to old time laughs. here is a funny song kind of like Hello Muddah sung to Battle Of New Orleans..........enjoy
Christie is demanding an apology from the media.
That's a good one.
There are lots of conservatives in the media, they just don't think of themselves as "media" even though they have their forum in "the media."
Remember the TV waitress who used to say, "When donkeys fly."
Alcohol is Bad for the Legs
A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approached an attractive woman sitting by herself and asked, "May I buy you a cocktail?”
"No thank you," she replies; "alcohol is bad for my legs.”
"Sorry to hear that; Do they swell?”
"No, they spread.”
From an old copy of Sports Illustrated ...
Gerard Warren of the Cleveland Browns was asked whether he feels like a seasoned NFL veteran.
He replied, "Maybe not a seasoned vet, but a marinating one."
I asked my hubby for the newspaper....He told me to get with the times...
and handed me his Ipad.
THAT FLY NEVER SAW IT COMING!!
A woman turned 80 years old. She was an avid golfer, so she decided to
move to Florida and join a country club.
On her first day at her new club, she was told that there wasn't
anybody else available for a game just then.
Seeing her disappointment, and wanting to make her feel welcome, the
female assistant pro
offered to play with her, and asked her how many strokes she wanted for a
bet.?The older woman said, "I don't think I need any strokes, I've been
playing great lately. I just have a heck of a time getting out of sand
traps."True to her word, the 80 year old played beautifully. When they came
to the par four 18th, she and the pro were all even.
The pro hit a gorgeous tee shot, knocked her next one on the green,
and two-putted for par.
The older lady hit a great drive, but her second shot landed in a
steep-sided bunker next to the green.
Playing from the sand, she lofted a high, soft shot. It came down a
few feet from the cup and rolled in for a birdie, winning her the
match and all the money.
The 80 year old was still standing in the trap when the pro walked
over and said, "Beautiful shot! I thought you said you had a problem
getting out of traps?"
"I really do,” the 80 year old replied. “Would you mind giving me a hand?"
"Little League baseball is a good thing. It keeps the parents off the streets."
"Steve McQueen looks good in this movie. He must have made it before he died."
-- Yogi Berra
Dr Young vs Dr Geezer
And old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:Dr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
This is what transpired.
Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me ??
Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's your $1000 back."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer " !!!!
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired
arrive on scene.
After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her
freshly mopped floor,
they call their sergeant on his cell phone.
"It looks like we have a homicide here. "
"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you placed her under arrest?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet.
A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"
The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"
The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
I was at Weis today for literally 5 minutes, when I came out I saw a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on man, can't you give a gal a break?"
He ignored me and kept writing the ticket, so I called him a pencil-neck dickhead. He glared at me, and started to write a second ticket for worn tires!
So I asked him if his Psychiatrist makes him lie face down because he's so ugly. He finished with the second ticket, and started writing a third!
This went on until there were five tickets on the windshield, the more I insulted him, the more tickets.
I didn't care, my car was parked over by the Home Depot.
Had me there for a minute, Sue R....I really could almost picture you doing that....but then I thought about it and know you would not do something like that.....Hmmmmmm! Still thinking on that one!! Hilarious!
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled,
"I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been
sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"
ok it's not friday but ---- this explains a lot:
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
he Kentucky Trial Court Review
A couple of guys came in the Rowan County Clerk's office today and protesters started crying and praying and calling them perverts.
And the guys were like, "Whoa. We're just getting a fishing license."
Emotions running high I guess.
Have sympathy for the guy who works at the Midas Muffler shop.
At the end of a long work day, he's exhausted.
ok - so it's Sunday -
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot again slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale...
Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my cat and me gardening and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
And it works.
I already have 3 people following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.
Every 10 years the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak 2 words.
Ten years go by and it's one monk's first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad." Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard." It's the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit."
"I'm not surprised, " the head monk says. "You've been complaining ever since you got here."
A businessman in the firstclass cabin decided to talk to the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant:"What's your name?"
Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir"
Businessman: "Lovely name ... any relation to the Mercedes Benz folks?"
Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close"
Businessman: "How close?"
Flight Attendant: "Same price"
Little Old Lady
Little Old Lady who?
Hey, I didn't know you can yodel.
From the Manitoba Herald:
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republicans winning the Senate is prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and live according to the Constitution.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . "The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just keep coming.
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand c.d.'s, and renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK
Fred and Mary got married.
But they can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, ok, tell me what you think!!!"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told President Bush that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then, after talking to "W" for a few minutes, he said, "Let's just grab lunch."
Happy Friday everyone! Hope your weekends are wonderful.
Anyone else ever have a dog with this same sense of humor? ---->
A mother and her son were flying Air Jamaica from Montego Bay to Miami. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes she did".
Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Air Jamaica always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
A guy in NYC purchased a ticket to Orlando from Virgin Airlines.
The plane landed in Jacksonville.
The guy asked the Stewardess, is there some kind of connecting flight? I'm going to Orlando.
She replied, this is Virgin Airlines. We never go all the way.
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up....
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
What do you call a guy who sits on the bench for the Chicago Bulls?
A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair.
He doesn't have to be Einstein to know this guy is Jewish.
So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear: 'drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there'.
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says: 'thank you', in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab.
He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.
As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells: 'thank you'.
The Arab asks the bartender: "What's the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all he does is smile and thank me."
The bartender replies: 'He owns the place'.
Good one, Lamppost!
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned
a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was
properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to
go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been
there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him,
“We’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up he said,
“I’m here to feed the alligator…”
Some old men can still think fast! ;)
You'd have to be my age to get this one ---
I took a disco dancing class back in 1975. Really had to hustle to pass it.
On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of bears and eagles, beautifully sparkling lakes bountiful with trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so that the inhabitants will prosper. I shall call these inhabitants "Canadians", and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God. "Just wait and see the neighbors I'm going to give them.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80
miles per hour, sir "
The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your
radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know
that this car doesn't have cruise control"
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !!?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector
went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit,
the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says,'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat
belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well,you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you
pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt
on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife
and barks, ‘WILL YOU PLEASE SHUTUP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you
this way, Ma'am? "
I love this part.......
"Only when he's been drinking."
My wife drove me to drink ...
only nice thing she ever did for me.
-- W.C. Fields
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a bl*wjob." All the passengers hear it! As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
A girlfriend and boyfriend walked into the girlfriends house and the girlfriend said to her mom, "Mom, me and my boyfriend are going up to my room" and the mom says, "Ok honey, you kids have fun."
When they are up there the mom hears: "Baby baby baby oh!"
The mom walks to the door and ask, "What the hell is going on?"
The girl says, "Mom were just having s*x." and the mom says, "Oh thank god I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber."
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, Holly Madison said “I have my own reality show and am the smartest and prettiest women at Playboy, so Americans would not like to see me die.
She took a pack and Jumped.
The second Passenger, John Mc Cain, said, “I am a Senator and war hero from and elite Navy unit of the United states of America”
He grabbed the second pack and jumped.
The third passenger, Barack Obama said, “ I am the President of the United states of America and the smartest of every President in history.”
So he grabbed the pack next to him, and jumped.
The fourth passenger was Billy Graham and said to the 10 year old girl sitting next to him, “ I have lived a full life and served God the best I could. . You take the last one.” The little girl said, “That’s OK Mr. Graham, there is one left for you. The smartest American President took my school book bag
That one could also be told with George W. Bush substituted for Obama, if Bush had left the country in decent shape Obama would not have been elected ......... but anyway...
It's been proven that capital punishment is a detergent to violent crime.
-- Archie Bunker
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: You only need one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing well went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
The moral of the story:
Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
My buddy had a bad day, lost his job at the orange juice processing plant.
He got canned ...
because he could not concentrate.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
I bet on a horse that started out at ten to one.
He finished at two thirty.
The horse was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Bob walked into the clubhouse bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $50 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $50 to Bob saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 P.M. news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, ? So did I, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
Back in my single days, Bubba and I went on a vacation to a place where the fishing was supposed to be great.
We spent a week there but only caught three fish.
I said,"do you realize that cost us 500 dollars a fish?"
Bubba replied, "wow, at that price, I'm glad we didn't catch more."
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
He was about to get the anesthesia, and asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember,
if it doesn't go well, or something happens to me, your mother is going to come live with you and your wife...."
Mi guess Old Gent nah LOVE hes mother
A Guyanese and a Jamaican walk into a store, the guyanese tief a chocolate bar and when they left the store he said "yuh see dat?" mi tief three chocolate bars.
"nobody cya tief like me!", and the jamaican said " mek wi go back to the store,me ago show yuh a who a the real tief".
They went in and the jamaican said to the cashier " yuh want to see a magic trick?" the cashier said " sure" "hand me a chocolate bar" he ate it. "hand me another one" he ate that too, " hand me one more" and he ate it.
"Mon, where's the magic?" said the cashier. The jamaican mon said "check the guyanese pockets and yuh find all three a dem"
A man gets stopped by a game warden with a basket full of fish.
Warden: Do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: No sir, these are all my pet fish.
Warden: Your pet fish? How's that?
Man: Well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: Here I'll show you... (releases the fish in the lake).
Warden: Well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Man: Well, what?
Warden: The fish?! Where are your pet fish?
Man: What fish?
OMG too funny love this thread.
A personal funny: my mom texted me this morning she was having issues with her iPad so I texted her back and suggested she take it to a Genius Bar. She just replied...
"What's a 'Genius Bar?' Where smart people go to get drunk? How is that going to fix my device!?"
The guy who invented Nacho Cheese had the recipe in mind, but he had no money so he could not buy the cheese he needed.
He snuck into a store at night while the manager was in the backroom doing paperwork.
He tried to be quiet as he stole the cheese, but the manager heard something and came out ... as he saw the guy running away, he called out ...
"That's not yo cheese, that's not yo cheese."
Is it Friday already??
Here's some techie humor
Love the way he did that with a straight face --- he must be a great poker player (-;
Hey, the guy working at the Midas Muffler shop needs a day off --
While I have the floor, I was at a United Way event in Allentown a few years ago where the guest speakers were Dick Allen and Harry Kalas (most baseball fans know who they are) ...
I'm reading a book about Harry Kalas right now -- maybe this story is in there, haven't come across it yet ...
Allen spoke first and thanked the local politicos for naming the city after him (that got a delayed groan after people finally got it...)
Harry the K opened his remarks with the following story ....
"Somebody stole all the toilets in town this afternoon. The cops are working on the case, but it's a tough one, they don't have anything to go on."
Reminds me of another story I heard once ... a case of beer was stolen ... the police are working on the case.
He sounds and looks like a medical doctor. All Greek to me, but uncle Sam said, SOLD
Reminds me of the story in which somebody was trying to get a drunk to stop drinking.
He showed the guy a glass of pure water and he put a worm into it.
The worm swam around and was doing fine.
Then he took a glass filled with hard liquor, and put the worm in there.
The worm immediately sank like a rock and died.
He said to the drunk, "what did you learn from that?"
The drunk replied, "If I keep drinking, I won't get worms."
Phillies broadcasters Whitey Ashburn and Harry Kalas (both are deceased now) were in New York on a road trip. Harry told this story way back when ...
"So one night we're in a hotel bar in New York and a sexy looking blonde lady walked up to us. She said, boys, I'll do anything you want for a hundred dollars. Whitey thought for a minute and said, how about the pre-game show?"
SueR, those are the funniest cartoons I've seen in I don't know how long! Can't stop laughing! Thanks for the laughter.
Two potatoes are standing on a corner.'
How do you tell which one is a Prostitute?
Answer: The one that has a sticker that says IDAHO....
Then there was the zen master who refused novocaine for root canal work, because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
Actual newspaper headlines ---
Safety Council Says School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Iranian Head Seeks Arms
Congress Proposes Budget Deal, More Lies Ahead
One of my favorite lecturers with the bonus of having a fine sense of humor.
A cop is sitting in his patrol car, 2:30 a.m., watching the entrance to a bar. A man lurches through the door of the bar, falls down, gets up, straggers to the nearest car, collapses against it, takes a ring of keys out of his pocket, drops them, crawls around until he finds them, gets up, tries each key in the car door. None fits. He staggers around to the next car – and the next – drops and recovers his keys at each car, tries each key at each car. None fits. Eventually, he finds his car, opens the door, gets in, starts the car, and with jerks and erratic steering gets it over the curb and onto the street, where he lays rubber on the pavement and disappears zig-zagging down the street. The cop takes off after him, and after a bit of a chase finally gets him to pull over and get out of the car.
"What's the problem, officer?"
"I'm going to have to take you in. You're drunk."
"Oh, not me! I haven't had a drink since last week. Got that breath-a-wheezer thing? I'll show you."
Sure enough, not a trace of alcohol. The cop's puzzled.
"I don't understand this. Why were you driving like you were drunk?"
"Oh, that! Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
Combination Friday Funnie and Quote of the Day for St. Patrick's Day:
"NEVER IRON A 4 LEAF CLOVER....YOU DON'T WANT TO PRESS YOUR LUCK"...
A bar is empty except for two patrons. One of them staggers over to the other and says, "How's it going? Where you from?"
The other guy says "Ireland."
The first drunk says "That's cool! I'm from Ireland too! Let's have a round for Ireland!" They both drink merrily.
Then the first guy says "So where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin? Awesome! I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another round for Dublin!" Once again, they both drink merrily.
Then the first guy asks, "So where did you go to school?"
"St. Mary's, class of '62" answers the other guy.
"Incredible! I graduated in '62 from St. Mary's, too! Let's have a round for St. Mary's!" Once again, they suck down another round.
Just then, one of the bar regulars walks in and sits at the bar. He asks the bartender, "So what's going on today?"
The bartender answers, "Nothing... The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Love is a matter of chemistry.
That's why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Paddy Reilly hoisted his beer and said: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” – and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?”
So he told her: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh,” she said, “that is very nice, dear.”
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy’s drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?”
She replied: “Aye – and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he’s only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come”.
Subject: Alligators diet.
Two Alligators were sitting at the side of the Lake near the capital in
Baton Rouge. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Gator.'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Gator.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'On the other side of the lake near where the cars are parked"
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Gator.
'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for them to begin to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an asshole with a briefcase.:-)
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed. ~Harry Kalas
"You know who really hates farts? Midgets. Let go of a good bean fart in an elevator and you can pin them to the wall." --- Buddy Hackett
"Ever notice how your own farts don't stink? I have my beer fart, my bean fart and my broccoli fart, and none of them stink." --- Buddy Hackett
Watching the Master's reminded me of the time I broke 70.
That's a lot of clubs.
Adam was a great athlete. He was first in the human race.
But, when he told his first joke, Eve said, "I've heard that one before."
Hear about the data entry clerk who turned down a marriage proposal?
The guy wasn't her type.
This one should really be on the Plant Exchange thread this week:
Tulip, Rose, and Daisy are attending their first "Plant Parenthood" meeting.
The Instructor says to them: "Now, remember ladies...if you don't wish to get pollinated, keep your petals closed".
IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
A lawyer dies and goes to heaven. "There must be some mistake," he argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 55."
St. Peter answers, "according to our calculations, you're 97. We added up your time sheets."
How do you catch a school of fish?
With a bookworm.
Why did the pony cough?
He was a little horse.
"What I said to them at halftime would be unprintable on the radio" ... actually spoken by a football coach who I don't feel the need to identify.
I always like to and enjoy sharing my knowledge of history with my friends. Here are some little known facts that may interest you.
With the Summer Games coming up shortly, here is a piece of Greek history.
2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa'-me) was attending the first athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name.
In those days the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter before, and throughout, the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "Oh! Limp pricks!" Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into "Olympics".
Just thought I'd share this new-found knowledge with you. You are welcome. And do enjoy the Summer Olympics.
Top ten times in history when using the "F" word was appropriate
"What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
"Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
"Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
"It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso, 1926
"How the @#$% did you work that out?" -Pythagoras, 126 BC
"You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -Michelangelo, 1566
"Where the @#$% are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937
"Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!" -Noah, 4314 BC
"I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963
"Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton, 1997"
I took them out and rinsed them, too. You're welcome.
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel
better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you
out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular
doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a
thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use
it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control,
loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table
dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play
all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel may benefit!
Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or Merlot..
LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM!
Hope I can still do that when I'm his age! :)
Haha Thanks CBGB! That's a tough one to follow though. But here goes:
We all get old, but that shouldn't stop us from doing what we love. Sometimes we just need to modify. :)
A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodations etc. He didn't realize when he bought them that it is going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go. If you are interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in NYC at 5pm. Her name is Louise and she'll be the one in the white dress.
okay so it's a day early - just found this in my archives - pretty funny if you like funny and dumb - called "Cows with Guns" https://youtu.be/a5s5qGg01nE
This was posted on a rescue site I visit... the funniest part was all the people who didn't get the joke...
Need to re-home.
This is Lexi, she’s an 8 week-old German Sheppard, I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home.
She is 59 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good house. :)
beware - x rated
Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch.
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a Virgin -- in every vay."
The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together... quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth .
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."
Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!
5catmom, the funniest part of that joke was that they were honeymooning in Duluth (-;
I think I posted the same reply the first time you posted this joke
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
And in honor of Oktoberfest.....
Q: What do you call a pissed off German?
Q: What did the German kid say when he pushed his brother off a cliff?
A: "Look, mother, no Hans!"
Q: What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"? A: Vee haf vays to make you tock.
Q: How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin?
A: First, invade ze kitchen.
Q: What's a german's favorite number?
Q. Who wears a lederhosen and carries a sword?
A. Conan the Bavarian.
Q: What does a German bride get from her husband on her wedding day that is long and hard?
A: A new last name.
I know, I know, these jokes are the wurst! Just offal. :)
Deer jumps into Howell NJ woman's car
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?" "Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie." "You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used." Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"
How to wash a cat
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl...
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You
may need to stand on the lid.
4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind
the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and
run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
MY TO DO LIST:
1. Wear shirt that says “Life”. Hand out lemons on street corner.
2. Hire two private investigators. Get them to follow each other.
3. Major in philosophy. Ask people WHY they would like fries with that.
4. Go into a crowded elevator and say, “I bet you’re all wondering why I gathered you here,” with a straight face.
5. Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public.
6. Go to the pet store, buy bird seeds. Ask how long before they start to grow, wait for reaction.
7. Buy a horse, name it “Oscar Takes The Lead,” enter it in horse races.
8. Invite someone into your office, turn around in office chair and say, “I’ve been expecting you…”
9. Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say,”Help! I’ve been turned into a parrot!”
10. Follow joggers around in a car blasting “Eye of the Tiger” for encouragement
11. Put blue Gatorade in a Windex bottle. Drink it in public.
12. Buy four pigs. Paint 1, 2, 3, and 5 on each pig. Let them loose in a mall and watch security try to find number 4.
13. Smack a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson’s No More Tears shampoo. Sue Johnson & Johnson for false advertising.
14. Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes into your friend’s soda. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
15. Buy a turtle. Name it “The Speed of Light.” Tell everyone that I can run faster than The Speed of Light.
16. Sneeze in front of the pope. Get blessed.
17. Buy CD of ice cream truck music. Drive down the street blasting it. Watch kids get disappointed.
18. Go trick-or-treating on April fool’s day.
19. Jump into a taxi and scream “Follow that car!”
20. Walk into Sea World with a fishing pole.
Q:What do Donald Trump and a Pumpkin have in common?
A:They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and responsible people will throw them away in early November.
Arguing with engineers is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig - after a few rounds you realize the pig likes it.
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Skippy, almost as funny as your attempt to diminish Dylan's Nobel as simply a nod to an era. I assume you are angry Ted Nugent was overlooked.
SueR, #20 very funny. My granddaughter and hubby fish a lot, especially for shark. They took their almost 2 year old to an aquarium and he asked for a fishing pole.
Some Halloween giggles. Since posting is limited I thought I'd try it this way. Hopefully it works. : )
I've got another, but I probably need someone to post after me first.
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery shop.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Trump steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to Hillary: “See how clever I am? The owner didn’t even see anything, and I don’t even need to lie. I will definitely win the election.”
Hillary says to Donald: “That’s the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same 3 pastries without stealing or lying, and also prove that I am much cleverer than you!”
Hillary goes to the owner of the bakery and says: “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick?”
Intrigued, the owner accepts Hillary’s offer and gives her a pastry. Hillary swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives her another one. Then Hillary asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
By this time, the owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks: “What did you do with the pastries?”
Hillary replies: “Look in Donald’s pocket!”
Have a nice evening friends....
Last year I was in Tijuana
And I found some great marijuana.
I did a good deed
and brought back some seed,
So now I can smoke when I wanna.
Some short ones:
Advertisement In Shop:
Guitar, for sale........ Cheap........
.......no strings attached.
Ad. In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight....
One Lung At A Time!
When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking....
I Gave Up Reading
My Grandfather Is Eighty
And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.
Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget,
Please do Pay In Advance.'
Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive,
Don't Stand In Her Way....
What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?
He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
What does Melania see in Donald Trump?
Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol.
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers.”
DH was complaining that his new MacBook Air must be defective because it keeps freezing: he swipes on the screen and nothing happens, nothing moves.
The MacBook is not a touch screen device.
(You're welcome. And it's not even Friday.)
lol SueR, which one of these musicians is not like the other, not like the other.......
but, "You're welcome??? seriously??
Thank you your Majesty, thank you thank you, your amusing anecdote has me tittering. You truly are full of wit.
Lol was just being silly. Had slept two hours that night when I posted (never post half-awake, note to self)... anyway happy Friday everyone!
"Don't worry, it's the most expensive thing we ever bought."
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.
“You da bomb!”
“No, you da bomb!”
In America – a compliment. In the Middle East – an argument.
On a first date:
He: “I work with animals every day!”
She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?"
He: "I'm a butcher."
My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
funny funny stuff SueR
the last one reminds me of a recent event of mine. and it involves roadkill and math.
I see a cat in the road and it is an easy decision based on simple math. I'm not gonna wreck my $60,000 Cadillac on a six cent cat. That's bad arithmetic. The way I figure 60,00 goes over 6 one time with nothing left over.
Omg, CBGB, you're so bad! Hahaha :D
Here's some info that's funny, yet so true.....
In honor of Dr. Seuss' birthday, here are a few tidbits many may not have known:
He didn't only write children's books. During WWII, while serving in the army, his job was to create war propaganda cartoons and write promotional films for the troops and American citizens at home. He also wrote a series of training films for soldiers called "Private Snafu", which was a character created by Oscar winner Frank Capra, produced by Warner Bro., directed by Chuck Jones and stars the voice of Mel Blanc. (You can hear Bugs Bunny!) These films taught basic lessons about secrecy, disease prevention, and proper military protocols. They were classified and only shown to military personnel at the time. (some were a little racy, for that time period. Picture is from Spies episode, very funny)
He had an adult book called Seven Lady Godivas which tells a story about nudist sisters, based on the legend of Lady Godiva.
He also contributed cartoons to a 1935 book called "The Bedroom Companion or A Cold Night's Entertainment" which is described as 'a collection of bawdy essays, cartoons, and songs for men. (There are even instructions at the beginning, loudly declaring “Women Must Not Read This Book!”) It’s basically Maxim for the Greatest Generation.'
There's a little Seuss for everyone. :)
An amazing story!! You will not hear this from the "fake news" folks - so I am bringing it to you - hot off the wires !!
No thanks necessary!
Subject: Woman stops alligator attack!
Florida woman stops alligator attack using a small caliber Colt pistol
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman
with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What’s the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Colt .22 caliber?
Here’s her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in Florida with
my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues,
we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water
and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Colt.22 caliber
pistol with me, I would not be here today!"
"Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by
just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the
amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible.
His life insurance was a big bonus.
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory.
For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the
psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up.
He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have
peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early.
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the
pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead
did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his
and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle
Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."
Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems. Every time they would do it, she would complain about splinters, so Pinocchio went to Gepetto about the problem. Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had sex with his girlfriend.
A week later, Gepetto asked Pinocchio, "So, how's it going with your girlfriend?"
Pinocchio said, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the
shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his
window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely
and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in
traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females
have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females
carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female
that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so.
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
Is driving home from the city one night and,of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
Where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Me, last night: I bought a Tibetan singing bowl.
DH: A singing *vole*?! How long did it take the monks to train him?!!
Me: A *bowl*! I said BOWL.
DH: Oh. Well I never know what I'm going find next living in a spare room around here.
The doctor needs some work done on his pipes, so he calls in the plumber, who does the work and presents the doctor with the bill. The doctor is shocked, saying "I am a medical doctor and I don't make this kind of money." The plumber responds, "When I was a medical doctor, I didn't make this kind of money either."
okay okay - so it's still Thursday -
Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and went to hell.
While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally Obama gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Obama got to call USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Trump took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.”
Tragedy in Mansfield Twp
Tragedy in Mansfield Twp- Black Bears ..... Port Murray, NJ
This is a very sad story about a bear... Everybody should heed the warnings not to feed wildlife because they become dependent and don't forage for themselves any longer. It is such a tragedy to see what has been done to our country's wildlife.
The US Forest Service photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect U.S. wildlife.
Animals that formerly were self-sufficient are now showing signs of
belonging to the Democrat Party. They have apparently learned to just sit
and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and
This photo is of a black bear in Port Murray area turned Democrat.
He is nicknamed Bearack Obearma.
It is believed that he has become a campground organizer.
Remember: "Black Bears Matter!"
Possibly the most offensive and funniest joke I've heard...at the risk of being once again banished from HL...
A priest and a rabbi are standing on a street corner, a little bored.
The priest says "we should go find some choir boys".
The rabbi says "choir boys? Why?"
Priest says..." Well, you know, we could F them".
The rabbi says "Out of what?"
Prepared for the shi*storm.
choir boy/priest joke? passé
this dude has me laughing
For dog lovers - a video of puppies learning to howl for the first time. I was laughing out loud...
What a week. Anyone else need a chuckle?
One of my favorite comics doing my fave routine of his...
Sunday Funny: After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...
LOL that was good.
A married fellow asked his wife, "honey what would you do if I won the lottery?" She replied "I would take half and leave you." He replied well then I hit $12 in the scratch off, here is your half now get out!
Looks like we won't have to buy a turkey this year. Marigold should be ready by Thanksgiving.
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish
His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and
awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, '....why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why !'
'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That
Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic.'
'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the
'It was an iceberg!'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'
funny old gent
how about some musical humor
LOL! That's a good one SueR.
I think one is in the minority if an assault claim can't be made these days.
Not a joke, but... this baby Flying Fox Bat eating a banana.
I think Jeffrey may have been a little disappointed with his first couples massage. Haha
President Fredos comments concerning Rosannes new show:
“They haven’t figured it out. The fake news hasn’t quite figured it out yet. They have not figured it out. So that was great,” he said. “And they haven’t figured it out. But they will, and when they do, they'll become much less fake.”
I was reminded this week of a funny story from my school days.
Caught daydreaming in class the teacher asked poor ole Rebecca Cousins "Maybe Rebecca would like to explain to the class what foreign aid is"
Upon hearing her name Rebecca came out of her reverie and asked the teacher to repeat her question. The teacher snapped "What is foreign aid?"
Rebecca sat up straight and proudly answered "Twelve"
while reading an article about Ford phasing out cars to produce the higher profit trucks and SUVs and about the "footprint rule" there was this, funny to me anyway , description of the 2019 Subaru Ascent
Big Gulp: With 153.5 cubic feet of space for up to eight passengers--and 19 cup holders in case they all get really thirsty.......
A Little History for Those Who May Not Know...
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.... But as we know....the great ship did not make it to New York....The ship hit an iceberg and sank .... and the cargo was forever lost....
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery .... were disconsolate at the loss....
Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day.... The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th.... and is known....of course....as Sinko de Mayo....
That's extra funny when you consider that for some time, any cup holder in a Subaru would be a miracle :>) They like waited over a decade to put decent ones in. So of course they went overboard.
Wait till you see their first all electric in 2025 ---- will run on lightning :>)
Funniest Tide Pod video..........EVER..........must see
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my Godly lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too. I didn't know that was one of the choices."
It's noon on Friday and we all have apparently survived the week thus far. Yay us. Without humor, I'm not sure how I would deal.
Anyone (else) have any ridiculous text exchanges from the past week (or beyond) to lighten up the mood?
Just sent you a PM, Old Gent. We need to get together again!
Another text exhange, this one between DH and I, which happened as I was checking into a hotel alone a couple weeks ago...
A foursome of guys was waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting from the women's tee. The ladies were not rushing and were taking their time.
When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it ten feet. Then she went over and whiffed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.
She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, "I guess all those f*cking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responded, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 63...
The Brothel Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop and saw a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that indicated a price of $50.00.
“Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way because it was so strikingly beautiful. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that was really not so bad.
When her two teenaged daughters returned from school, the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and their mother were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Keith.”
THE CHINESE CURIO SHOP
A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco.
While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it.
He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street.
This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.
Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the millions and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story?"
"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."
A Benefits Question
I have a very complicated benefits question.
Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18 year old daughter.
After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step daughter.
My father eventually married her without my authorization.
As a result my step-daughter became my step mother and my father became my son in law.
My father's wife (also my step daughter) and also my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step daughter's mother.
This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.
Therefore it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.
My son is also my step mother’s brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:
Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law and my step mother's brother fullfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
Of course you qualify Mohammed! I have arranged to start mailing the checks to all of you just as soon as you arrive here in California.
Enough of those other threads... Same old thing ad nauseam.....
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’
The trucker and the blonde
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $20 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trots across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He barks repeatedly. No answer. He goes back down the path,takes a big run,and throws himself (Whap!) against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!”
The owner responds, "Genius? ... my arse!. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
The Value of Engineering
You don't have to have worked with an engineer to appreciate this story.
A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $3 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.
With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $3 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day.
He had the engineers check the equipment; they verified the report as accurate. Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $3 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.
"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the new kid, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the doggone bell rang."
Why Double Checking is Good
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
assigned to helping the other monks in copying
the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make a
good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives,
in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the bloody R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
"The word was ...
CELEB R ATE!"
Last Will and Testament:
Dave Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed. He knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sara, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard- working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife replies, "The moron had a paper route."
A soldier and a sailor die at the exact same moment and arrive at the Pearly Gates together. Saint Peter explains that they will keep their wings as long as they have no impure thoughts. Just then a beautiful angel sashayed by. The soldiers wings fell off in an instant. He bent over to pick them up and the sailors wings fell off.
An old, blind cowboy taps his cane into an all-girl biker bar by mistake, finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ”Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. The woman next to the old blind cowboy says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five important things about the FIVE women near you:
1. The bartender is a blond girl who’s holding a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blond girl with a billy-club.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4 The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blond joke?”
The blind cowboy shakes his head and mutters, “Not if I have to explain it five times!!”
Blood Is Thicker Than Water...
*An Arab Sheik was admitted to the Hospital for heart surgery, but prior
to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored
in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of
blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.*
* *Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type.
After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.*
* *After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a BMW, a diamond
necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the
* *A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a further corrective
surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who
was more than happy to donate his blood.*
* *After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card
and a box of Quality Street chocolates.*
* **The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind
gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I
thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a
BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy
thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?"**
* *To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood
in me veins."*
Picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy.
After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?
Told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.
He got off at the next stop.
So if an illegal immigrant and a sex offender get into a fight, would the headline read "Alien vs. Predator"?
Subject: THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are no longer my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”
I had a layover at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries, sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender "What's the Wi-Fi password?"
Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first". Okay, I’ll have a beer. Bartender: We have Molson’s Canadian on tap. Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $4.00. Ok, here’s a five keep the change. What's the Wi-Fi password?
Bartender: “youneedtobuyadrinkfirst” no spaces and all lowercase.....
Hey, I can be political without being bitter, sometimes... :>)
Gary Shandling: "The only reason I'm not running for president this year, I swear to God, is I am afraid no woman would come forward to say she had sex with me."
“"We like the -- we like the -- it's just a flowing. They do comma. They don't do -- they do a comma.”
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can’t stand to see a man crying. "This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man … and then my dog bit me." "So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day I lost
by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing
commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct
A young man known for being a bit slow in the neighborhood was offered by the "bully kids" the choice of either a nickle or a dime. Johnnie always took the nickle and the other kids would go on their way laughing and poking fun at him and calling him stupid.
One of Johnnies friends asked him one day.."Johnnie, Why do you pick the nickle over the dime when those kids offer it to you???? Don't you know that the dime is worth more than the nickle even though it is larger in size?"
Johnnie waited a minute and then replied" I know that...but they don't know I know...So far today I have made $20"...
A German Shepherd, Doberman and a Cat have passed away
They are before God and He is asking them all What they Believe in...
The German Shepherd said he believes in Discipline
God sat his on His Right Side
He asked the Doberman what he believed in and the Doberman replied, I believe in Loyalty and Love...
He was seated on His Left Side
He then asked the Cat what She Believed?
The Cat's Reply was : " I Believe you are Sitting in My Chair!"
A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died. All three are faced with God. who wants to know what they believe in. The Shepard says, I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master. Good says God, then sit on right side. Doberman, what do you believe in? the Doberman answers, I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master. Ha, said God. You can sit on my left side. Then he looks at the cat, and asked, what do you believe in? The cat then answers, I believe you are sitting my seat. !!.
Yes, Indeed, 4catmom...Another "Throne"..
IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME..La, La, La....
ONE HOUR THIS SUNDAY
"CHER" THIS WITH YOUR FRIENDS....
Two old men had been friends most of their lives. When it was clear that Frank was dying, Leonard visited him every day.
One day Leonard said, “Frank, we both loved playing golf all our lives, and we started playing in high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s golf there.”
Frank looked up at Leonard from his deathbed and said, “Leonard, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Frank died. A few weeks later, Leonard was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Leonard!”
“Who is it?” asked Leonard, sitting up suddenly. “Who’s there?”
“Leonard, it’s me, Frank.”
“You’re not Frank. Frank just died!”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Frank,” insisted the voice.
“Frank! Where are you?”
“In heaven,” replied Frank. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Leonard.
“The good news,” Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, “is that there’s golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always summertime and it never rains. And best of all, we can play golf all we want and we never get tired. And we get to play with all the greats of the past.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Leonard. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re in my foursome this Saturday.”
“I don’t know Matt Whitaker.” That claim was at odds with an interview a month ago on Fox News’s “Fox & Friends,” in which Trump said: “I can tell you Matt Whitaker’s a great guy. I mean, I know Matt Whitaker.”
English class this week found Miss Wilson asking her class to use the word "Fascinate" in a sentence.
Sally said" I find my English class here fascinating. Miss Wilson said No, I want you to just use the word "Fascinate"..not "Fascinating
So, Billy said " I was fascinated by watching the men in the airplane fly over my house. No, said Miss Wilson..Not "Fascinated"..I just want you to use the word fascinate
So, Tommy spoke up and said: My Mother got a new sweater with 10 buttons on it but she is so big breasted that she could only "Fasten Eight".
A great man with a great line! LOL
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
Subject: Fwd: Speak now, or ...
The wedding ceremony came to the point where the Minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child.
She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor. The congregation was aghast as the penny dropped.
The Groom’s jaw dropped as he stared disbelievingly at the approaching young woman and child. Chaos ensued.
The bride threw the bouquet in the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted.
The Best men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The Minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward ? What do you have to say?”
There was absolute silence in the church. The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
Just a few
RAC Motoring Services
>>> Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
>>> traveling in Australia ?'
>>> Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'
>>> Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
>>> 'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England ,
>>> do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
>>> Directory Enquiries
>>> Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
>>> Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
>>> Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
Question: "Do you know the meaning of the words Murphy's Law?"
Answer: " Of course, It mean if something can go wrong...it will go wrong."
Question:" Well, then have you ever heard of "Coles Law?"
Answer: "No, never have...What is that?"
Answer: Thinly sliced cabbage....
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
“Local people know who they are when they go for groceries and everything else. And I think what Wilbur was probably trying to say is that they will work along,” Trump said.
“What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin.
“Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.”
“Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked.
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