Should Step-mom's be acknowledged?
I have been a step-mom for 5 years and I never got acknowledged on mother's day by my husband or the kids. I was curious on everyone's thoughts should a step mom be acknowledged or do we not count because we didn't give birth to the kids. The kids live with us 24/7.
I think you should def be acknowledged, esp that the kids live with you, you have a important relationship with them. It might be a bit different if you only saw them every other wkend, but even in that case you should be ackowledeged. Lots of Mom's don't give birth and are celebrated. Hope you know in your heart how important you are to the children regardless if they say so or not.
Absolutely, and I'm sorry that you haven't been by your family. Happy Mother's Day to you, stepmom.
My Dad remarried and I acknowledge my step mom, even though she did not raise us, but she is still married to my Dad, so out of respect for both of them I do. Happy Mother's Day to you! Being a mother is more than biological, and the hardest job on the planet. (What are your husband's thoughts on this?)
Thank you. My friend's always wish me a Happy Mother's Day but it hurts when the kids and my husband don't. I am not sure why it upsets me so much but it does.
LVMOMOF BOYS - My husband always says I am not their mother.
I have never acknowledged my step mother or step father on Mothers/ Fathers day. Both of my parents got re-married when I was an adult and never even gave it a thought. I like them, so that has nothing to do with it, but I guess since my mom and dad are still alive I just acknowledge them on thier holiday. I also do not refer to them as a step parent. I say....my moms husband or my dads wife.
aaedana - I think the operative word in your post is "adult" My ex's father remarried when he was about 11, he has two much older siblings that were adults at the time. He always referred to her a "my step-mother" and they always referred to her as "my father's wife". He always gave her something for Mother's Day but they did not.
This whole stepmom thing is new to me....I refer to her as stepmom sometimes and sometimes, Dad's wife....but that sounded a little too impersonal for me. I think it is one of those things that you have to do what makes you happy and comfortable.
And stepmom, I feel badly for you being treated this way. You aren't their Mom, but you are there for them daily, and for that you deserve some acknowledgement. It is unfortunate that your husband can't see that he should be grateful to have you there to help raise the kids. If it is any consolation, I think you have alot of support HERE for your position!!
No its really not messed up. My "step parents" are not a mother/father figure to me. They are more like friends to me since we are all adults.
I can't believe that your husband doesn't acknowledge you in SOME way. If the kids' mother is still in their lives (even if it's only once in a blue moon) I can see them not even thinking about acknowleding you as they are kids, but I would certainly expect your husband to be grateful for all that you do and at the very least tell you so, and maybe give you a token gift. It's sad, though, that you had to come to a forum for opinions...if you can't talk to him about something that is obviously bothering you then something is wrong in the relationshop IMO. Good luck to you.
I agree completely with aaeadena! It totally depends on WHEN they became your step-parents (child vs. adult) and also if your parents are alive or not.
aaeadena - I'm not sure if Shannon was referring to your post or not.
I understood you perfectly as reflected in my post above. It makes a big difference in how old somebody is when a parent remarries. Also,
IMHO it depends on the relationship. My husband's is prime example. His parents have been divorced since he was about 6 years old. His father has now beeen with his current spouse for 8 year he does not refer to her as his step mother but when it comes to our children we referred to her as there grandmother. So mothers day she gets something from the our children because they know her as grandma B.
When DH and I got married we included her as "parent" of the groom by getting her flowers like we did for my mother and his mother. We feel because she is with DH's husband we have to be respectful of her.
On another note my husband has a had a few step parents so i think that is another reason why he doesn't really treat them as parents
How sad stepmom. To not have your husband even think that you are not a Mom. Tell me this, do feed them, clothe them. clean for them. watch them, and love them? If the answer to these are yes! Sit your husband down and tell him! If he still doesnt get it well I know what I would do. They would be dirty, hungry, lonely unloved children! IMO!!
Of course !!! My step daughter called me on Mother's Day to wish me a happy mother's day. And I have also raised my neice for over ten years and she dropped off a present for me for mother's day.
O Christine...you really don't want kids to be dirty, hungry, lonely or unloved! She did not state the ages of the kids, if they are younger they are learning by example from the Dad.
It's the Dad (husband) that needs a talking to and to help set the example for the children. Would not think that letting them be dirty, etc is a example that a adult step mom would want to set.
Of course you should, your husband is being a little lazy/cheap and the kids are following his lead. If they are uncomfortable because you are not their mother, and they don't want to step on toes, most card shops sell step-mother specific cards and gifts. I am sure you would be happier if they acknowledged you at all. My husband has a great aunt who never had children, but she is a huge part of all of our lives. Because of this, we get her a card (they make ones' for aunts too!) and a small inexpensive gift. It's just to thank her for playing a mothering role in our lives, and to make her happy. Her eyes tear up every year, and all in all we usually spend less than ten bucks. It takes so little to make people happy, I never understand people's reluctance to do so!
I agree with aaeadena it all depends on the relationship. I could tell you right now if my parents ever got divorced and remarried I would not acknowlege the Step-Mom or Step-Dad to me I think it would be disrespectful for my Mom and Dad. No one and I mean no one could ever be a Step "in" for my parents ever.However, if the kids are really young I guess it's different and how long you have been in their lives and all that makes a difference in my eyes also. So without more details it's hard to say if you should be hurt or not.
I'm sorry, but what an a-hole. This reminds me of the guy who says "whuat? She's not my mother" about his wife on mother's day because he was too lazy to help his 10 year old buy a plant.
Stepmom, I encourage you take whatever cash you can squeeze out of your budget this week and treat yourself to something really special. You deserve it!
They live with out 24/7 for 5 years. You should definitely be acknowledged on Mother's Day.
My s/o's son texted me Happy Mother's Day, and he's 8 (why he has a cell phone is another story) Anyway, my s/o is not my son's dad as his father died while I was pregnant, but for all other purposes he is my son's "dad" and we have his son every weekend. Not only does my son get me stuff for Mother's Day, (homemade, typical kid stuff, which is the best) but so does my s/o, and it really means a lot to me. While I may not be the biological mom to his child, or he to mine, we are a family regardless, even if we don't have kids together yet. So I'm sorry you weren't recognized. YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN! So Happy Mother's Day!
I agree with the whole age thing. My Mom remarried when I was 2 and I always called her husband my dad..He raised me..I met my Dad when I was 21 and call his wife my step mom..I do not call her on Mother's day though. But if I lived with her that would be different. My stepdad always gets a Father's day gift
you absolutely should have been and your husband should have made sure that you were. Happy mothers day.
I hope you had a nice day anyway. I would suppose that it has a lot to do with the age of the children and their relationship with their mother or issues with their mother. They may see you as their dad's wife. That may never change, and they are entitled to those feelings. If your feelings are truly hurt, tell your husband, not them. Some men just don't get that the kids need encouragement. If you cook, clean and do laundry, you could always go on strike :)
Not only is it "messed up" but it is also pretty insulting. I would suggest that you print this out and show it to your husband.
The following definitions for Mother would apply in this case.
a woman exercising control, influence, or authority like that of a mother: to be a mother to someone.
8. the qualities characteristic of a mother, as maternal affection: It is the mother in her showing itself.
9. something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else; origin or source.
Thank you everyone for your opinions! :) I have talked to my husband about it and he doesn't seem to understand. All my friends wish me a Happy Mother's day because they see how much I do. I just wanted to see what other peoples thoughts are. I would never take it out on the kids, it's not their fault. The kids are know 15 and 17. I have been in their lives for 7 years, 5 as a step mom. Yes they live with us (always have) and only see their mom maybe once a month for a few hours and yes I am the one that does the cooking, cleaning, running around, etc. Thank you everyone!!
I have a stepmother, my biological mother passed away when i was young and she has been our stepmother for 11 years now (I'll be 24 end of the month) none of my 4 siblings have ever acknowledged her on mothers day nor did i til prob last year or maybe 2 years ago. Yes it was wrong and yes i know that now but like your husband my father never told us to, sorry its happening to you if i could go back i would have given her well wishes every year.
That's crazy why your husband can't understand, even after you've explained the stuff everyone mentioned on this forum. I hope this isn't representative of the way he is in the other parts of your relationship. I mean, even if he did wrongly feel that you should not be acknowledged, once he knew your feelings he should have sucked it up and did what was right, to make you happy.
Yes, you are a mother and should be aknowledged as such. When my husband's niece came into our lives becuase her mother didn't want to be a mother anymore, I was aknowledged on Mother's Day. Jeez- even my husband would get me something from the cats since I was their primary source of food. Giving birth to another human does not make one a mother. As an adoptive mother, I would hate to think that other's wouldn't see me as a real mother. I hope your husband does eventually understand. Happy Mothers' Day from us!
Mother's Day is a day set aside to acknowledge the importance of the role your mother plays in your life. Even though we do what we do out of love, it's nice to be remembered for all the work we do and the sacrafices we make. Whether the first day of Motherhood came when you gave birth or moved in, it doesn't matter, you are still a mother.
I think that Mother's day is a great day for a man to teach his children how to show appreciation to the woman who takes care of them.
Spend a week and take care of just yourself. Cook for yourself, do only your own laundry and spend the entire time in your room reading a book or doing something to make yourself happy. Tell them that a few inexpensive flowers from Shop Rite will win you back, nothing less. They will get the message.
Stepmom, I dont know anything about your relationship with your husband but I would look at other aspects of my relationship if I was you because if he doesnt support you when it comes to helping him raise the kids then.... Good luck and happy belated mothers day
I totally agree with what Dolly & Res2 said! I acknowledge my kid's godparents, my aunts, and my mom/mom-in-law on Mother's Day. And, my sister, nieces/nephews acknowledge me.
Wow that's sad. I didn't give birth to my dog or my bird. I'm their mom, I take care of them. I got really nice flowers from them (my husband bought them). Your husband should be ashamed of himself. Sorry.
Stepmothers who act as the primary caregiver for children should definitely be recognized, not only on the 2nd Sunday in May, but every day of the year... same as any other mother.
On the other hand, giving Mother's Day cards and flowers to someone whose only "children" have fur and/or feathers is a bit over the top. Does he own stock in Hallmark and FTD or something?
Same thing with aunts... that's a bit much. Between my wife and I, we would be buying about 20 Mother's Day cards at 3.99 a pop. But I guess if you only have one or two, it's more manageable.
Interesting fact... Mother's Day was originally established by Woodrow Wilson in 1914 not to honor ALL mothers, only those who lost sons in a war. I'm pretty sure the Hallmark people are responsible for the expansion in honorees that we recognize today (-;
Stepmom maybe you should layoff some of the "mother" duties for a week or more let them all know just how much you do for them kids take things for granted often. Wait til there getting ready for school and realize they have no clean clothes or they just got home from sports practice and there starving but woops no dinner on the table that night........
stepmom - let's play shrink. When you first met your DH, how did he treat his mother (if she wasa living)?
Yep - I received no acknowledgement whatsoever from my husband. He went as far as to criticize me and tell me that "I never wanted kids, so why should he honor me." Are you kidding me? His daughter lived with us last school year, so I was taking her to school activities, to the Dr. when she was sick, etc. Maybe I should drop him and his daughter from insurance coverage; that might remind him of the "financial responsibility" that I have taken on for her.
Wow Jenster. Doesnt sound like a happy marriage. So sorry.
Tell HIM to get his own insurance.
I have been a stepmom for almost 22 years. My stepchildren refer to me as My father's wife but the grandchildren call me Grammy. I cannot recall ever being acknowledged by them on Mother's Day although we have been in close contact over the years.. I feel loved all year round by them but not on Mother's Day. My DH knows that bothers me so each Mother's Day he gets me a card and flowers from him to make up for that. My biological children never, ever forget and I feel in my heart never will. I did not raise my stepchildren and came into their lives when they were already young adults so try to understand that in their eyes they only had one Mother and that is who should be recognized on Mother's Day. However, I too send cards to "other people" who play a part in my daily life on Mother's Day (they make cards for everyone on Mother's day) just to let them know I am thinking of them and appreciate them. I also received a lovely plant and card from my neice and nephew this Mother's Day so really can't complain but in stepmom's case and with the stepchildren still at home.....by all means she should be acknowledged by her family on Mother's Day.
Coming into this a bit late. My mom is also step mom to 5 kids from my father previous marriage. They were all adults and moved out when he remarried. Last Sunday she got calls from Atlanta, Iceland, NJ and Mass from 4 of the five and talked to over dozen grand kids or great grand kids over the course of the weekend wishing here a Happy Mothers Day.
Since she lives with us my wife and I just hugged her and made waffles for breakfast. Mother's Day is all about respect and showing love for an important woman in your life.
To the original poster, I hope your kids eventually learn how important your role in their lives is, take solace in knowing your are in fact a Mom and deserved their respect and hopefully they will realize it at some point.
I guess maybe because I'm not a mother or a step mother I don't understand. My parents may be separating and I'm 26 years old. I PROMISE PROMISE you I would never ever get my new father's wife a Mother's Day card EVER if that even ever happens. I have one Mother and only one Mother....sorry may sound cruel. Maybe if the my dad remarried let's say if I was 2 or something but even then I only have one Mother and no one compares to my Mother.
Doesn't mean I don't respect someone but just isn't right in my book. I think it would hurt my Mother if I did get another women a Mother's Day card
Nosila sorry to hear about your parents. I think that is hard at any age.
When you have stepkids that live with you, you take on a role that should be appreiciated. I think every situation is different and the ages matter also. You do a lot more for stepkids when they are younger then if you marry someone that has adult kids. I have two that live with us 24/7 and you do become a second mom. You care for them as if they are your own.
My sister was a stepmother to the most rotten little girl in the world. (hate to say it but true).
Disrespectful and rude to her. Put her under so much stress, my mother swears thats what killed my sister 2 months ago. All the stress from this kid caused some kind of medical condition (which we are still trying to find out about from the ME) that while she was going up the stairs, something happened that caused her to fall backwards down the stairs and smash her head on the floor. In a coma for a few hours and then she died. And my sister tried eveything in her power to be a great stepmom to this kid. I'm a stepmom too but havent seen the girl in over 15 years (thats another story). I have a lot of respect for stepmoms and think its a hard job. God bless all of you!
Happy Belated Mothers Day stepmom!! You deserve some acknowledgement as you are the kids' Stepmom. They live with you, you take care of them, end of story. Next year I think you should plan a day just for you on Mothers Day... go get a mani/pedi... do something for you.
To all you Step-moms out there...Happy like a mother day!!! As a step mom that does more for my step daughter than her own mother, we can never expect to be thought of as their mom. They have one mom and thats it. If they do choose to appreciate us on mothers day that is great but if not we cant hold it against them. Instead what made me feel really good is that my step daughter said she would like to have a day for me. My bf said the same. Just because they dont celebrate us on Mothers day doesnt mean they dont care.
I still go by motto that 'anyone can be a mother, but it takes someone special to be a Mom'.
I think the same with Dads. It's a feeling...and you can't force that 'feeling' on anyone, especially kids.
I can't walk a mile in anyone elses' shoes when it comes to having a special feeling of 'parenthood' towards another person.
Guess this article could have been written from this thread - http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/05/12/stepparents.comments/index.html?section=cnn_latest
There are so many greeting cards to acknowledge a woman or women who mean a lot in our lives, so why can't we at least thank them with a card? And another thing, the term is step"mom" not step"other person" or step"intruder". So can't we be kind to someone who has shown us some kindness?
This is terrible. Anyone can be a mother to anyone. My best friend who is across the country in the National Guard took the time to send my mother a mothers day card. Her mother passed away when she was very young, and my mom has helped her through many things since we became friends way back when. She thanked my mom for her turning out as good as she did, and by no means is my mother her "real" mother, regardless of how much my best friend and I look alike and convince people we are twins. The point is, if you raise the children or help them become good members of society, whether or not you are blood, you are a mother.
Cbel. Thank you for saying as I just could not. It never hurts to be kind and you can get a Mother's Day Card not just for your Mother but for anyone significant in your life at the dollar store.
stepmom... absolutely you should have been acknowledged on mother's day. If your raising those kids, giving them the love and support they need, then yes. It doesn't take giving birth to a child to make you a mom.(goes for dad's too). Its about the love. I have the best stepdad in the world. I will make sure he is acknowledged on fathers day, as I have since I was a little girl. Oh, and he's so much more then just a step dad.... he is my dad. In every sense of the word. someone should give your husband and the kids a little education on what makes a mom a mom and a dad a dad.
I am a step mom who has been with my husband for 21 years and have yet to be acknowledged on Mother's Day. Trust me, it hurts. I'm the one that makes all of the holiday dinners and wraps all of the Christmas presents, picks up the grandchildren from school or takes them when they're sick and can't go to school. I attend all of their graduations, recitals, games etc.... I know these grandchildren love me like a grandmother, but have been told that I am not their grandmother and that they already have enough grandparents to remember. That's how I am defined in their lives. For example, at Easter (and every Easter), these children give their Dad an Easter card and sign their names, their spouses and thier children's names and present it to their dad. I am not included. I have begun to disengage in a relationship with his children because it is all I have left to do that will help me emotionally deal with the rejection. I'm just tired of trying to be something to them that I will never be. My husband doesn't talk to his children about how much this hurts because he I know that he fears rejection from them if he does. I love my husband but I do have resentment that he has never dealt with this. I just try to live with it. To anyone who deals with this, I feel for you as I know how hurtful it is.
Leanne26.. Sounds familiar..I too am married to my current husband 22 years and I am called Grammy by the grandchildren and always have been but never Mother by the stepchildren and that is OK as they grew up with one Mother. However, not to be called on my birthday or acknowledged on Mother's Day hurts..not even by the grandchildren...ever...However, my kids(even though they do not call him Dad) never forget their stepfather on Fathers Day and sometimes I think they think more of him than their own father as they never forget his birthday or Father's Day or any other special day in his life. Oh well, guess it is too late now to change things but yes, Leanne26..the way I look at it is right now is that I am the only Mother or grandmother left in their side of the family. Would it hurt to go to the dollar store on Mother's Day and get a card for their stepmom or grandmother???..sure would make my Mother's Day a very special one!
Sorry, but stepmother is a title determined by society. Unless the child, young or adult, chooses to view you as a mother figure, you are titled by them as "the woman whom my father loves and lives with". You can be as nice as anyone, love them and be loved, but to believe you are entitled to be viewed as their mother is dismissing their feelings and experience. Let it go. If you all like each other and get along, be glad for that.
Maja..I know what you are saying about stepmother being a term decided by society...what I am saying is ...does it ever hurt to be "nice" or "kind"? We stepmothers are not trying to be their mother even though we have more or less taken over that role with marrying their father but I feel they should realize they are not abandoning their birth Mother by at least sending a card ..just a card on Mother's Day to let the step mother know that you wish her a nice day. As I said, I get cards from my neice and even from a friend on Mother's day...but never from my stepchildren or grandchildren.
"We stepmothers are not trying to be their mother even though we have more or less taken over that role with marrying their father "
No one will ever take the role of my Mother regardless of being married to my father or not
I have one Mother and one Mother only.....Should a step mother be respected yes 100% but not be considered my Mother
I feel so bad for the loving stepmothers who don't get acknowledged. It doesn't seem to me that they're looking for "You're the most wonderful mother" card, but maybe a card thanking them for being someone special in your life. I swear, I'll bet you can find a Happy Birthday to My Parrot" card if you tried. How much does it really take to show kindness for someone who has cared for you?
Yeah I have to agree with Nosila on this one. Stepmothers are certainly part of the family and deserve to be treated nice and with respect, but she does not replace "mom"
The kids are most likely not being rude by considering you "Dad's wife" rather than mom. They probably just feel as though it would be disrespectful to their own mother. I am sure that they still appreciate all you do for them.
I find it very sad that there are actually adult children that receive gifts, love, guidance, favors, and everything else that a "parent" does for them. I understand that no one will replace your mother but to not show them the respect they deserve for the place they have held in your life for many years is difficult for me to understand. I see all kinds of cards in the Hallmark store for those that are Like a Mother, Stepmother, maybe even a Thank You card would do. I just don't get the zero acknowledgment...maybe those in the role of mom need to stop doing the giving for birthdays & holidays, then on Mothers Day...leave dad on his own to entertain his children and go treat themselves to a nice day off, LOL. I can't imagine how hurtful that is :( And Leanne, for those kids that sign everyone's name on the Easter Card and only give it to their father, that's disgraceful! This may tie in to the common courtesy thread that someone else started. I think Cbel said it best..."how much does it really take to show kindness for someone who has cared for you?" May be a life lesson for some in the future if they find themselves in the same situation and are treated the same way.
?, should a future/maybe stepmom, been with the dad for 5 years, give my sisters daughter a birds and bees talk? My sis finds it stepping on toes because she wanted to wait until she learned about it in school or asked. But this woman explained to my sisters 12yr old about her period and sex.
I feel its my sis, her moms place. But this woman took it upon herself to take her bra shopping and expaining evertyhing. What are your thoughts?
Ok Snoopy, I will get involved in the discussion and give you my two cents (which isn't worth much these days), but I think that the future step mom stepped where she shouldn't have, JMO. If the girl was starting to show signs of developing and perhaps needed a bra, she should have discussed it with the dad and he could have talked to his ex about it. Would your sister have been as upset if her ex had the birds and bees discussion with her first or is it just the other woman that has her upset. If they thought she should be a little more informed at 12, again a discussion between the two parents first. I think the common good should be for the child and not the emotions involving the adults.
Just because Dad married you doesn't make you their step mother, regardless of how hard you try. Unless the real mom is absent from their lives, you're probably always viewed as the obstacle keeping their parents apart.
I think it's just something you have to deal with when you choose to marry a man with children..
his children weren't given a choice.
"I am your Queen! Thou shalt bow down before me and pay homage to me!"
If I had a step-mother who felt that way, I wouldn't give her any acknowledgement on Mother's Day, either.
Bessie, thanks for commenting. My sister is more upset with the fact that the woman in her ex's life takes over the mother roll. My niece is 12 this past week, so she isn't IMO ready for the talk, bur she was given it. The "future mom" thought that it was a good idea to discuss these things so she doesn't wind up pregnant at 16. I don't get where she thinks its ok to step on toes. Have your own child with him if that's what you need. But she knows he barely pays as it.
Are the feelings the same when the wife remarries and there is now a step dad in the house? Or for the women that remarry, does the new husband just serve as husband and not the male figure (not father) to be respected. Also, before anyone wants to give the horror step parent stories, I'm addressing the few cases that were given here, where the step mom was treated well and helped raise these kids, but never received any acknowledgment on holidays, etc. I think the whole step parent thing goes according to how bitter the divorce was and how vindictive the adults involved care to be. I have friends that have gone through a divorce, have kids, and somehow manage to do what's best for their kids and recognize each others spouse as part of their blended family. It works! PS--I absolutely don't condone putting every girlfriend or boyfriend in this category, I'm referring to long term relationships, no need to add more confusion to these kids lives by having another mom or dad figure in, out, in out. They need stability. Of course this is how I feel about the subject, no need to flame if you don't agree, LOL.
Snoopy, I completely understand your sister's feelings. Again if at 12 she was a little more boy crazy than most 12 years old and her dad thought she should have the talk..he should have talked to your sister. I don't think the future mom should have taken that step. I think that the step mom or step dad, always has to tread softly but also should be treated respectfully for all concerned. I think it's a difficult situation but can work if everyone works together for the good of the children involved.
Bessie, you are right. My sisters issue is timing and who discussed it, I think.
Mom wanted to have it later, when it was more appropriate, depending on maturity.
Step?whoever, wanted to do it, to one up my sister, IMO.
Father backs step?whoever until the cows come home.
My niece catches on to all of this. Hears the arguments and doesn't know what she did wrong.
I tell her its because she is so special that everyone cares.
She laughs and tells me to stop pulling her leg.
For those who think that we stepmoms are looking for a "Mothers Day" card that reads mother on it I want to clarify that we are not. We are very aware that our stepchildren have a mother and none of us want to take that position as their mother. What we're looking for is the commom courtesy of showing us that our efforts to be loving, kind individuals to our husbands children is appreciated. No more, no less. We do take on the roll of some-one who has their best interest at heart and we will do for them as we would do for our own children and just as our own children acknowledge our efforts so should our stepchildren. I wish they could realize how much everyones life could change for the better if we just had some sort of clue that they really do appreciate it. If our own child didn't give us a card it would hurt just as much. I really do care & love my stepchildren and only have their best interest at heart. They have told their father that they appreciate me, but they haven't told me they do. Why is it so hard to say that to me?
I also wanted to comment on loneWolf's comment. I do not feel like I am the queen of anyone. I most certaintly do feel that the stepchildren feel a sense of entitlement to treat me the way that they do. I came into this relationship 8 years after the divorce of their parents and did not cause the demise of the marriage and should not be blamed as though I did. I understand that any stepchild old or yound would secretly want their parents to be back together, but after 30 years, shouldn't it be time to let it go? Is it really just that they will never accept you no matter what you do and if that's the case, what do stepchildren really want from us?
IMO some step mothers do more than the actual mother. We just want some recognition of being a major part in the childrens life. My bf daughter loves me. She acknowledges me as her dads girlfriend, however she does realize I do alot for her. She proposed we have a day for me. Not mothers day but just a day to show her appreciation for what I do for her. That is enough for me. It is really up to the person you married to make sure thier kids learn to respect and appreciate their spouse.
blondie0781 - you hit the nail on the head with that one. A separate day to appreciate the special person in your life is what is really needed. It does not need to compete with Mother's day.
Coralie..If they do not acknowledge us as anyone special in their life even on our birthdays or other special days..do you really think they are going to set aside a special day to let us know they even care??? Hopefully no one out there will have to experience what it is like to be a "stepmother"...The bad ones..yes..they are not worthy of the time of day but the good ones..should be told they are appreciated whether it be Mother's day or whenever..especially as Leanne26 said..married almost 30 years and did everything she could to earn their love and not even a card on Mother's Day...sorry..it is wrong.
Snoopy - I'm going a bit off topic here. I agree with Bessie. The gf should have suggested your niece's dad talk to your sister. But your sister should have already had the conversation with her daughter. Many 12 yo girls have already gotten their period, or will be soon. They certainly hear it discussed. And most kids don't ask their parents to tell them about sex. I think fourth grade is a good time to bring it up if they haven't asked. If they aren't interested, fine. Leave the door open. Give them an age appropriate book and bring it up again when it feels appropriate. And don't schools start talking about this stuff in 4th grade anyway? Also, lack of physical development doesn't mean a 12yo wants to be wearing a t-shirt if all the other girls have bras. They make those junior aa cup things:)
Maybe your sister and the ex can talk about parental responsibilities versus significant other responsibilities.
Joyful - I am a step-mom that does not receive recognition. I know how it is. However, I am not going to let some made up holiday dictate how I feel about my family.
It is a waste of my time and energy to get all worked up because someone doesn't do the things that I want them to do.
My stepchild has a mother, I may be married to her father for over 12 years, but I am not her mother. Even if she wanted to give me some recognition, mothers day is not the appropriate day.
If their behavior hurts you in such a way, then you need to reduce your emotional investment in the relationship. Their actions are not going to change after 30 years. The only thing that can change is how you react to it.
You are probably right, Coralie..as much as in my heart I do not want to admit that and if they don't acknowledge me even with a card on my birthday or other special days other than Mother's Day..then I might as well just admit to myself that they are in their own world and really don't need my love or help in their lives. They are all now middle age people and if I have not succeeded in trying to fit into the family and win their love... I never will. I am afraid also, that down the road if anything happens to their father before me...that I will be inclined then too to not consider them family and they might be out in the cold..don't want them coming around then and telling me how much they love me..because then it is too late.. I am so glad that my own kids never forget me or their step father. He will receive gifts and calls from them(with a card ...not to father but just a Thinking of you card for Father's Day or to Someone who is like a Father to me card) this Sunday as if it was their own father. Of course, they will also acknowledge their own Father who is still alive on that day too. I still feel it just doesn't hurt to be nice and pay attention to someone elses feelings whether on Mother's Day or any other day of the year.
Joyful - you are correct that it doesn't hurt to pay attention to someone elses feelings, but not everyone thinks that way.
The kids are middle age at this point. They are not going to change. I would not anticipate that you could rely on them to help you if your husband passes before you. I also would not anticipate that you could count on their help in the time of a long illness. You need to prepare yourself for this probable outcome. It sounds like you have a loving family in with your children - it is time to concentrate on the good around you.
In my family, my brother would not support his own mother during the time when she needed him the most. I saw the signs years in advance and I had 2 choices - get upset with him each and every time that his actions were a dissapointment, or move on and anticpate that this was the way that he would act - and be prepared for that action. This also involved a second marriage of 24 years, but honestly, I don't think that his actions would have been different if the marriage never happened.
It is the way that some people are. I decided that as soon as it was appropriate with the family dynamics, to distance myself a bit more from him and his personal dramas. The personal investment was not equal on each side. I just moved my personal investment to match what he was giving.
It is time that you did the same - you will feel better for it. Maybe the kids will notice the change and want to make amends, but don't hold your breath. Personally, I choose to still send birthday cards, but that is more because of the type of person that I am and not in anticipation that I would receive a card in return on my birthday. (Look at it this way, my brother has never even sent a birthday card to my husband - who I have been married to for 12 years - good thing that things like this do not bother my husband!) - And this is my brother - not a step brother.
Put your focus on the family members that are there for you and appreciate all that you have to give in the family. You will be better off in the long run - and more at peace.
All are good points and you are right by saying that they're not going to change at this point so I should let it go. I can do that, but all they really want from me most of the time when they call ME is to ask me to watch the grandchildren or pick them up from school etc... I love these little ones very much and I don't want them to be a part of this emotion that I'm having, but at the same time I feel like the step children are still getting what they want from me which is a babysitter. I need some opinions.
Leanne26 - It sounds like they are using you. My brother did that to my Mother quite a bit over the past 13 years (even as her health we deteriorating and it was not safe for their children to have her pick up or baby-sit).
My suggestion is similar to what I see from parents of some of my friends (and they have a wonderful, loving relationship that is completely appreciated). If you are available to support the request for pick up or babysitting and you are feeling up to it, you can help out. If you have other plans that do not put you in the place to support the request without making you change your plans, then you do not.
You are being used and the only one to stop that cycle is you. I don't recommend that you are never there to help them, but if you are holding back on living your life because they may need help... then you are the one losing in this game. Live your life and if you have the ability to help them, then you do. Don't let them bully you into thinking that if they have a childcare issue, it is your fault, it is not.
I would start making plans that take you where you want to be. You will then not feel the pressure to be there for them when they are not appreciating it.
Coralee: I don't know what your profession is but think you missed your "calling" if you did not go into the psychiatric field. Thanks for letting me "use your couch"..
Coralie has been dealing with this issue in the family for WAY TOO MANY YEARS! LOL
It has taken a lot to overcome the family stress issues that are resulting from this behavior. I have finally learned that life is too short to be all hung up by this and it is time to anticipate this behavior and move on.
Being the child with step parents. I'd like to voice my opinion a bit.... My parents divorced when I was seven, they both remarried. (my dad is now divorced again). My mother married a wonderful man, who knew he was not my "biological" dad, and never tried to be. He did help my mother raise me, provided a good home for me, and was there for every other thing a dad would be there for. I have a wonderful relationship with him, and I do think of him as my dad. as far as I'm concerned I have 2 dads. And when i got married, they BOTH walked me down the isle. My relationship with my ex step mother wasn't as good, but I respected her as my step mother. Of course things have happened, and I wont go into detail, they divorced, and I have no respect for her now.
With this being said... I give the credit to my mom and dad, and my step parents, they communicated with us, and with each other, they taught us to respect them. You can't expect a child respect a step parent if they aren't taught to, especially young childrens who think that it was this parent who caused the divorce.
and as a side note... my step father's ex wife is also a second mother to me. And my kids also call her grandma.
I know not all families have it as a good as I do, but I credit it all to my mom and dad, and the step parents. If they except each other, and except that these people are going to be part of their kids life, everything else will fall into place.
So I say to the spouses of these step parents.... shame on you!! your kids don't have to call the step parents mom or dad, but they do have to respect them, and you should want that for the loves of your life. My heart goes out to all you step parents feeling the hurt.
@ Coralie - it was wrong for the future wife to step on your sisters toes... however... she shouldn't be waiting for the school to teach her daughter, she should have done it herself, especially if she's twelve... read the paper, watch the news.... girls are coming home pregnant at 13, not just 16. My daughter will be six... but you better believe by the time she is 12, she will have that talk from me!
thats messed up period!!!! you take care of them just like a mom so yes you should be acknowledged.
cheryl71 - I think it was Snoopy's sister who had the problem with the "step GF", not Coralie.
Sorry.. Coralie, I scrolled back a little to fast to get the name.. oops my bad. then I'm redirect that comment to Snoopy.
@luvjaz... your are absolutely correct!.. I acknowledge my step father for every holiday. and every day in between. and I usually refer to him as my dad, not my step father. It takes much more then conceiving a child to make you a mom or dad.
stepmom, it sounds like you have a good relationship with your step kids. Since your husband does not seem to understand your feelings I would talk to the kids, maybe they don't realize that they should wish you a happy Mother's Day. If Dad ignores the day the kids probably don't know what to do. Let them know you are hurt.
Coralie, do you really think it's strange that your brother doesn't give your husband birthday cards? Seems perfectly normal to me... I don't think I've ever given a man a card in my adult life. I verbally tell my father happy birthday or happy fathers day depending on the occasion; why on earth would I spend 3.99 on a piece of recycled cardboard that does the same thing? Not only is it redundant, it's a waste of money.
Coralie, do you really think it's strange that your brother doesn't give your husband birthday cards? Seems perfectly normal to me... I don't think I've ever given a man a card in my adult life. I verbally tell my father happy birthday or happy fathers day depending on the occasion; why on earth would I spend 3.99 on a piece of recycled cardboard that does the same thing? Not only is it redundant, it's a waste of money.
Ianimal: You might think it's a waste, but maybe he would like it. You never know.
cbel, you've obviously never met my dad. Think me... without the sunny disposition (-;
ianimal - Ahhh there is the difference, At least you call or acknowledge in some way... Dear brother does neither. However, it would be very noticed if we did not send him and his wife a card on the holidays. I will note that DH's birthday is July 4th... so it is exceptionally easy to remember.
Yes, my husband thinks cards are a waste... which is why I have not received a birthday, valentines day, mothers day card in the 12 years that we have been married. I know that he loves me and he does a great job in other areas, so basically, this is not something that I am going to have ruin my life. Maybe this is why this thread struck me so hard. It is a made up holiday that puts pressure on people to do things and if they don't they are a "bad" person. NO that is not the case. You do not have to get sucked into all the advertizing hype.
The last birthday card I received, from my brother, there was a big point made that my SIL was very mad that my brother added her and the kids names to the card. Evidently she just became mad at me for something that happened over a year ago - go figure. We just let it roll. If I got all worked up on each one of these crazy actions - I would be a basket case. (OK, some of you may think that I already am... so just imagine how off I would be if this small stuff got to me as well) ;-)
Have a great day!
Coralie...I guess I am very lucky with my DH and his remembering..each and every special occasion..Not just Mother's Day with flowers and card, but birthdays, anniversarys (which is St. Patrick's Day) and we always do that up right..I do the same with him. So,right now I am content with all this stepmother stuff as he really makes up for their not remembering me..always. By the way, I forget who mentioned the cost of cards...You can buy really nice cards in the dollar store...2 for $1.00...
I think you have to take this on an individual case. If your step-mom has been a big part of raising you and caring for you; then yes you should acknowledge that. If she has only been your father's "Wife", then maybe not. Of course if you have come to love her and she loves you, then that is a no brainer, Yes, you show her how much you care.
My son is getting married, he's 31. His father just came back into his life 4 years ago. I was at a bridal shower for my future daughter in law last weekend and the wife of my former husband was there. When it came to introduction to others she felt the liberty to call herself the future mother in law to be. I was put out by that statement as I was there as well and I felt she was out of line claiming herself as such. I had also noted I was the future mother in law to be as well as the mother of the groom. What should she have identified herself as............ please reply.
Future step-mother-in-law to be. If everything was amicable and you were all friends, then I would let it in one ear and out the other, but I sense that is not the case. I would be put off too, but at this point you will only make it worse to say or do anything about it now. If it were me, I would have spoken up and just said "No, I am the future mother-in-law to be, you are the future step-mother-in-law to be, but who really cares since we all are here to celebrate two people in love!" then propose a toast and gloss over it. If she says this again at the rehearsal dinner or wedding, I would suggest the above if circumstances allow it. Feelings are hard during wedding times...I totally understand your angle and why you are hurt. It is also important to remember the day and wedding is about your son and his future wife though...
Natalie, clever.......call her on it, minimize her claim to unreality, and propose a toast! Love it!
Also like your importance of remembering who the day is really about.
Hey, my family just went to our ex-sister in law's wedding! The day was just fine!
I had the exact same situation as Joyce. Many years ago, my childrens' step-mother (who has no children of her own) would act like she was their mother (at graduations, weddings, etc.) I felt so resentful towards her, but always kept it to myself because I did not want to put my children in an uncomfortable position. (They have a wonderful relationship with their father).
As my children got older they could see this and really appreciated the fact I never made a "scene" about it. Things are fine today and actually at family get-togethers, she and I are friendly.
I think the only thing that really matters in situations like this is that the children never be caught in the middle or made to feel uncomfortable.
I wish the animals would get off their tails and get me a darn present one of these years.
I can tell you I tried for a long time to encourage my daughters to build a relationship with my wife. My wife never did anything but encourage and support them yet they treated her very coldly. I always wanted to make sure my girls were taken care of after I pass on but based on the disrespect they show not only for my wife but really for me I decided to leave it all to the "stepmom" last laugh will be on them. It estimate it cost each of them 2 million -- but I couldn't really rest in peace knowing what self centered kids they turned out to be. Haha
Good step parents have to be one of the most difficult roles in the world. My ex (what's his name) left me with my 2 year old son, in hopes that I wouldn't make it, be forced into giving my son to him, and that no one else would ever want me. He even tried to enlist my mom to his side. It almost worked, but she didn't. Well I did meet someone, a great guy, who took me and my son on as his own, and we had a daughter. He was the father figure in our house, did all the dad stuff, including the not so pleasant discipline part. Now our son is grown, and who gets the daily attention? what's his name. why? $$$$ My ex never had any more children so he gets $$$ now and will inherit some. It pains me to see how inattentive he is toward my husband. Even when he was sick, never pick up the phone. I am having a bad day as you can probably tell. My son called me and picked a fight with me today, while he was driving, and I bowed out, so fearful he would get into an accident, driving with his son, my grandson. Children are a blessing, but it opens up one's heart up to a world of hurt. I am so glad that I am a good daughter to my aging parents, they have had enough stress and pain in their lives. I feel for all the GOOD step parents, children can have short memories. But I will always be grateful to my honey for supporting my son in every way while he was growing up. I am getting crumbs from the kids for Mother's Day, but I have my honey and a great set of siblings as well. i am grateful for them,
I would think the rite thing to do is what ever you are doing. If the kids acknowlwdge you then you have that kinda relationship with them if not thats fine too. there is no rite or wronge on how people feel about each other,its all just part of how you have grown to feel about each other. The thing that bugs me is. familys that ever close friend they have, the kids call them uncle. Im not your uncle Im just a close family friend. Or how about the female friends you have that every time they get in a close relationship with a guy, have to show you a pic of there kids sitting on the boyfriends lap. He is your boy friend not your kids bf. Why feel the need to build such a close retalationship with your kids and your boy friend. I think I would do poorly if single at dateing moms, becouse I would never want to get that close with another mans kids. it just dont seem rite to me.
My mother always said "If you always do right, you'll never be wrong."
I don't know if this is appropriate for this thread, but I was reminded of this...
My oldest son has always recognized my wife as his step mother. In fact, he always lists her as one of his parents, and has objected to the fact that facebook does not provide an option for stepmother. So he just lists her as one of his mothers. Didn't call today though, usually does.
@aguy...There are a lot of different situations that come to mind from your statement. My mother passed away when I was 9 years old. My father remarried when I was 11 I am an only child. My stepmother never tried to take the place of my mother but wanted me to know that she was there for me, and she was. As I got older the stepmother tag got dropped and when I introduce my parents I would say, this is my father and mother. She is also the perfect grandmother to my kids. As for the fake uncle/aunt tag...I am all for it. Since I did not have any other siblings the best buds that I grew up with are the uncles of my two children. This is also the case for one of my buddies who was adopted as a child. He also has no other siblings so I am the uncle to his daughter. What really troubles me is that you feel that you could not get close to another man's children. Are there issues within your own life that would make you state such a cold statement. Try to keep an open mind and never say never.
Step-mom. my ex wife passed away 10-23-10 and we had 2 kids together and now my wife is the only mother they have, true she is not their birth mother and she doesn't want to take her place but she has picked up where their mother left off so to speak and my kids love her and call her Momma K. Step-moms have feeling and pour their hearts into kids that's not even theirs so yes you are a MOTHER.....
Happy Mothers day.....
I became involved with a divorced man with a 3 year old child..we broke up 5 years later but in that time we became very close. We never married so I never considered myself a step mom but I was very involved in his upbringing when it was our wknd or week with the child. Every Mother's Day my boyfriend would encourage his son to show his appreciation towards me and all I do for them and I got a card that is geared for step moms. We made it very clear to him that I'm not trying to be his mom and I'm not a step mom cause we weren't married but this young boy enjoyed doing something to acknowledge me and that was of course by the encouragement of his father. To date, I have not spoken to my ex in 8 years but am still in contact with my "step-son" on FB. I have to say it felt really good to be acknowledge for all the things I do to make it a happy family. Even his ex-wife acknowledge how comfortable she felt leaving her son in our possession on wknds and when leaving the country for vacations.
In my opinion, I think the husband should encourage the children to acknowledge the step mom in some way..even just some flowers. If children feel uncomfortable using the label stepmom than just say we appreciate what you do for us and everything around the house with some flowers..just something simple. The husband should be the one pushing his kids to show some respect. HOwever, if the are in the teens and you are new coming into the family...well, I wouldn't expect much. As I see it..if I was sixteen, I would not want to call anyone my stepmom...unless they are together for years!!! but she didn't raise me or help raise me.
Stepmom. Happy Mother's Day...IMO you definitely deserve it. Unfortunately, you can't force your step-family to show you appreciation. All you can do is let them know how you feel. They need to do this willingly and from the heart.
theoneandtheonly.. Im not aware of any issues in my life that make me feel this way. my parents were married at 15 & 18 ran off to maryland at the time cause it was the nearest state they knew of that would marry them in those days. they are still together now at 74& 77yo. I just dont feel its rite to replace a childs father with who you decide you want a relationship with. But my family is rather large and most all are with there original spouses. So maybe I just dont understand the whole replacment parents thing. But the calling a friend uncle thing Im pretty sure I will never come around to. But if I wer to die I would be happy if my wife found a nice man who my children felt they could call ther stepdad. IDK? just how I feel. I dont know why how I personally feel is cold to others. maybe cold to my own family but why would others care how I feel about there family.
My husband and I are Aunt and Uncle and Grammy and Pop Pop to a lot of children we know and have been for some time. Maybe this is because they do not have those relatives in their life any longer and we are proud that they think enough of us to call us by these names. My daughter is a step mother to three teenagers. Even though they have a biological Mother and she is not called "Mom_ and that is OK with her as she is really not their Mother.......she was treated like royalty this past Mother's day as they realize now she is the one now that is with them every day and worries about them and sees that they have their lunches made and nurses them back to health when they are sick and they know that and love her for it. I was so happy to hear that was happening this year to her .l You do not have to be blood to be a good "Mother" or Stepmother or Grandmother and what better time to tell you so than on Mother's Day.
I believe that if they are a genuine step-mom and have not been involved in any manipulation or programming of children (to get them to reject their biological mother) then yes they should definitely be acknowledged on Mother's Day and other times also.
In my case my daughter (a beautiful and caring mother) has been alienated by her two children aged 13 and 14 1/2 for over a year now and she does not even receive a Mother's Day wish on Mother's Day yet their Step Mother whom they live with 24/7 is treated like royalty. I find this very distressing and the hurt my daughter feels not only on Mother's Day but every day is just so unfair and unjust.
I don't believe that we have the right to take away someone else's child/children and doing so should be recognised as child abuse.
I feel for the step moms who do take on the role of mother and have not done anything untoward to result in them having the children fulltime when they don't receive the recognition for their role.
I think Mother's Day is just that. A day for Mother's to be ackowledged and appreciated. I think that for a step mom to be acknowledged would be hurtful to the mother. There are birthdays, Christmas, Valentines Day, etc for the kids to let their step parent know they are appreciated and loved, but Mother's Day is set aside for Mom. That is how I feel. But you have to understand the feelings of all parties involved. There are so many other days of the year to be acknowledged for all you do. There's is just ONE day for the kids to acknowledge their mom.
PS. I am a step mom and do not wish to receive anything for Mother's Day. I want all four step kids to pamper their mom as my biological kids pamper me.
Only if your spouse's children view you as a mother figure.
My dad got remarried when I was an adult. I will never acknowledge his wife as my "step mom", as she is not a motherly figure to me and never will be. She's my dad's wife.
Hell yeah you should be acknowledged.... While you may not be the biological mother, I am sure you are doing motherly duties.. I would demand it!! Its the principle that matters!
Still my feelings..... send your "biological" Mother a Happy Mother's Day card and gifts or flowers and do Mother's Day up right for her...she deserves it!! but........ also.send your StepMom.... a card or at least a phone call just to say "Happy Mother's Day) on Mother's Day as well.......it won't hurt and everyone will be happy. As Cbel stated..can't we just be kind to someone who has shown us and our children some kindess?"....it never hurts to just be nice and to think about how someone else is feeling.
I married my husband almost three years ago. He has 4 great kids, ages 8, 11, 13 and 16, and we all get along very well. I just don't understand why the kids happily acknowledge their stepfather on father's day, but dont acknowledge me on mother's day. I'm thinking that their dad/my husband should be the one to inspire the kids to acknowledge all that I do for them. I would never try to take their mom's place. So today is father's day, and when the kids were dropped off at our house last night, the two older ones were excited, and suggested we make french toast for breakfast for dad, and offered to go grocery shopping with me to get everything, as well as a card (like they did for their step dad).
Mother's day or even my birthday.....nothing...no mention from anyone whatsoever. I feel very sad and a bit resentful today, but know I have to suck it up for the sake of my family, when I really just want to get in my car and take off for the day, and let everyone see what it's like without me. Thoughts???
Stacie-you are a good woman! My thoughts: after it's all over, simply explain to the kids that you feel they should come a little more prepared to give their father his gifts/card; that you love their enthusiasm to celbrate, but that they should be able to do the things with their Mom prior to coming. I wouldn't ask them to give you anything, that might come across as demanding, but that when it comes to their father they should be doing the work.
Stacie, I have the opposite situation, My present wife and I married 17 years ago. She had three children, I had two. My stepchildren have never missed giving me a card, and a phone call, even though all are now adults. My own children, rarely if ever make acknowledgement. I know that is because of the poison my Ex told them when they were little, but they are adults now too and now know the lies they were told and still not even a call, ever..Go figure..
Stacie, your husband's children may have a very strong emotional tie to their mother that would make acknowledging you on mother's day seem like they were being a traitor to her. Since you are not trying to replace their mother, don't dwell on how they treat you on mother's day. On the other hand, they should be there to share your birthday as a family, and treat you like the special, caring woman in their life that you are. That is on the guy you married. If he does not take the children to get birthday/holiday gifts for you, blame him. Not the children. Based on his treatment of your birthday, I would even predict that as the years go on, you will resent him more and more for it. So tell him now. Also, don't tell the kids to come already prepared for fathers day. That's nasty. Have your husband tell their mother, or, if you speak to her, tell her yourself. Or be the kind person that you are, and support them.
Or, do the truly easy thing and go away to visit family/friends on these holiday weekends. Birthday in Vegas! Let them fend for themselves.Hmmmm, sounds good!
Stacie, is this a joint custody situation or do the children live mostly with mom and step-dad and visit your home? I don't know why they don't acknowledge you at all but I would let your husband know how you feel. Maybe they are afraid of offending their mom..
Dear Step Mom, and step Mom everywhere. How can you not be acknowledged.. when you have Mom as part of the title.. As someone once said all I learned to get through my life I learned from a teacher.. same applies to Mom's.. Well Ma'am.. Happy Mothers day to you.. Enjoy everyday as if it is Mothers Day.. Be well.
Well I can tell you today when I called my Dad today he told me that his girlfriends kids (20+yrs. Old) were up to something.... meaning they were doing something for him for Father's Day. I can tell you I was NOT a happy camper!!! It's MY Dad and it just PISSED me off right or wrong.
My Mom also has a boyfriend and I can tell you he will NEVER get a Happy Father's Day from me. I have a Dad and there is only one for me and I think it would be disrespectful towards my Dad for me to acknowledge someone else on Father's Day. My Dad is in my life 100% and no one can compare to him.
Obviously this would be different if my Father was never in the picture so I'm not saying this should be the case for every situation. I know many kids that they are lucky they have stepparents as they are a zillion times better than their real parents.
I have been a step mom for twelve years and now a nanny to two little guys and I have never been acknowledged on Mothers day. I have raised them one week on ,one week off with them since they were 11 and 13 . It hurts so much and even more since my own mother has passed 3 years ago. Oh well I just suck it up and go through the motions with my motherinlaw and try to enjoy the day just the same...but it sure makes me think and question why? Hurt every mothersday....Terri :( To All of you Adult Step kids.....please think of how much happiness you can bring some sad lady today and pick up the phone or drop an email........it may NOT be your Mom but they have made sacrifies to help provide for you and they have hearts too.......
If you're not someone's birth mother or father, I can see the point. It takes away from the specialness of the biological parent. The parent chose you. The children did not chose to have another 'mother or 'father' . You get only one. I can see where you'd get hurt because 'mother' is in the name, but maybe the name should be changed to Father's New Spouse. Some people do acknowledge their parent's spouse, but that is individual, how close they are, if they are loved, or if the kids resent the other 'new' person being brought in. I've seen someone that is a step grandparent post things about the grandchildren like 'little Sarah must have inherited that from our side!' What? You can't 'inherit' from someone who's not biological - and so on. So, try to see both ends. It's one day out of the year. To each their own.
I agree, terri......It never hurts to be nice no matter what the situation or occasion!
Today is about acknowledging and showing appreciation to the person that has been a "mother" to you. There are the people that gave birth to you and then there are those that have been a mother to you. 99% of the time, it's the same person. If a step-parent cares for, nurtures, and sacrifices for a child as if they were their own, then I see no "caring" reason for why one wouldn't at least say thank you.
you absolutely should be acknowledged. Sounds like it is starting from their dad and filtering down. I would address it now, this could be a sign on how you will be treated in the future. It is disrespectful to you.
I know it's after Mother's Day, but decided to chime in. I am both a mother and a step-mother, and a mom like person to many of my kids' friends. My biological children did a wonderful job of spoiling me on Mother's Day, as did my kids' friends. One brought me a bouquet of flowers (his mom passed away a few years ago). Another two sent me a text. Although we are now estranged from the step child (who is now in his late 20's), I can count on one hand how many times he acknowledged anything for either my husband (his biological father) or myself, or his step sisters. I'd still have fingers left over.
I think it is a day you have an opportunity to recognize those people in your life that may play a significant role, even if they are not connected to you biologically. I always acknowledge my aunt, who has been very much like a mother, since my own mother has been gone for 30 years. I also acknowledge my stepmother-in-law, with whom I have a very nice relationship. My mother in law is also deceased. On Father's Day, I acknowledge my husband, father, father in law and stepfather in law. I think if you have enough love in your heart to hold these people special, then it's appropriate to let them know if you choose to do so.
Not everyone feels that way, but I am lucky enough to have some great relationships with my family and friends that we consider extended family. It doesn't take much, and it doesn't have to cost much, but it's always nice to let people know that you are thinking of them. And it doesn't have to be on a special occasion or holiday.
What were the circumstances of the dissolution of your husband's first marriage? It's possible that your husband's son had and possibly still has a lot of resentment related to that and it would understandably affect his feelings toward his father's "new family". Divorce is tough on kids and they all don't react to it the same way.
@iPhone-imal: The circumstances of the dissolution of the marriage weren't the issue. He did grow up in his mother's influence, which made it more difficult to blend when he finally was able to choose to come live with us. Those differences were difficult to overcome, but were being worked on. He eventually moved into his own place and was self supporting, with our guidance and blessing. Unfortunately he got himself into some big legal trouble, and the relationships ultimately deteriorated as a consequence.
You are right that divorce is tough on kids and they all don't react the same way. I think that he was brought up in a totally different environment than we created for our children. He had a different sense of self and family than we did. His values and expectations were different. His rules and environment were different. We tried to accommodate as best we could, taking that into consideration, without compromising the integrity of what our expectations and boundaries were within our family unit.
Due to the nature of the legal troubles over the course of the years, the unfortunate consequence has been the estrangement. Perhaps some day that will change.
Thanks for the forthright response, wondering. Hopefully, he will come around someday; you seem to genuinely care about him.
We've learned that caring and being able to maintain a healthy relationship don't always go hand in hand. Relationships can be so complicated. Things may change once he has children of his own.
It depends. My step dad was a raging alcoholic asshole who always treated me like shit. We didn't talk and I certainly never acknowledged him as any kind of father figure.
wondering - Based on your posts, keep doing what you've been doing. You sound like a great person. And yes, he may change one day when he has his own children. My father was very tough with me (Asian military dad). As a know-it-all teen, I rebeled like most teens do. I never got into any trouble but we had some big fights (especially after I got out of college; lived at home for one year.) It all changed after I had kids. I finally understood what he was trying to do and I made sure he knew how thankful I was for those lessons. Now, I'll admit that my parenting style is much different from his but the lessons I try to teach my kids are the same.
@emaxxman...sorry I missed your post. Was away on vacation.
I'm glad that you grew up to appreciate what your father was trying to do. Perspective is a wonderful thing. I know I've certainly learned a lot from my mom and I lost her when I was pretty young. I'm still learning from my dad. There are lessons in both the positives and negatives. Glad that your kids now have the benefit of both your experiences and your choices in how to deliver the messages. I'm sure they will do the same with their kids one day! I often hear my words coming from my daughter's mouth when she's giving advice to her friends. I'm pretty sure she will take the lessons with her and use them with her kids. I know I don't get it 100% right, but I tried!
I don't think age matters, it's the thought that counts. If the person is mean and nasty then don't bother, but if they are nice then what harm will it do sending an inexpensive card or just saying Happy Mother's Day? It may mean nothing to you but to the person it may mean the world. Take it from an unacknowledged step mom to my husband's 20 year old daughter. I've never been mean to her but her silence on Mother's Day speaks volumes and hurts very much!
It is the thought that counts.....whether it be acknowledging your step parent on Mother or Father's day or anyone in your life that has played a role in helping to keep a happy family unit. As samwise17 stated...especially if that person has shown love and never forgotten you. They know and you know they are not your biological parent and they don't expect to be called Mom or Dad by name but if they have been loving and good to you and treated you well since marrying your Dad or Mom....does it ever hurt to extend a kindness or show them by your actions that you accept them as part of your family? Or, for that matter...in your daily life..try doing a good deed or extending a small; kindness to someone no matter what the occasion or just for no reason at all. Try it...you might be surprised how good it makes you feel too!
i think its rude not to acknowledge a step mother especially if
your an adult over 30! it says alot about you especially if the step mom has her own biological children. your acknowlwdging them for being a mom! thats all . if your stepmother does nice things for u and doesnt cause u problems ur just being an a****hole. plain and simple. isnt it easier to be nice? unless u like the drama. i do it for my dad my step mom is okay she means well . not her fault my parents dont get along and are divorced and my mom hates her guts shes just childish. the best thing I ever did was seperate that relationahip. my parents divorcehas nothing to do with me. im old enough to know how to treat others. as long as shes nice to me ill follow.
I do. I have both a step mom and step dad, although i describe them as this i do not call them mom or dad since i was not raised by them and was between the age of 20 & 25 when my parents were remarried. However i always acknowledge them on mother's and father's day bc they also have my children that call them pop/nanna (and children of their own). They make cards that fit almost every situation these days and we make our phone calls.
Thanks, chica and km...for your posts...We who are step-parents do not want to be called Mom or Dad as we know we are not the biological parent and never will be, but we became part of the family and your children's grandparents when we married your Father...If not you...then the children could at least send a card to the step-grandparent especially if you never forget them on their special days and birthdays....I always get a card and gifts from my husband on Mother's Day. I think this is his way of making it up to me. P.S. Cards are cheap...2 for $1.00 in the Dollar store....
You should be noticed.You know what i would do next year go to florist order a nice flower arrangement have it delivered to yourself,when they ask where you got it say I got them for me .II am a mom. Shame on him.
Definitely!!! If you're not the father did not teach the kids anything! It's his fault.
It completely depends on the situation. If it was an ugly divorce such as a cheating situation, then no the "stepmother" should not expect anything on Mother's Day.
irrelevant - if the "step" has taken a responsible role - ergo - motherly - its merely respect - I am not saying anyone should "expect anything" ever - how hard is it to say "hey - thanks for taking care of me" - that's it.. regardless of infidelity etc - that has nothing to do with the child..
Mine is the opposite issue - my parents divorced when I was in my 20's and when my mom remarried, (a great guy by the way), he was more of a friend than anything. My "step-dad" is not my father...he did not raise me...and I find it insulting to my biological father to acknowledge another man on Father's Day. My mom sees it differently, but that is her issue.
My mom's husband is a caring, loving man - a great influence on the family and to my daughter. With that, he is recognized throughout the year for birthdays, special occasions, holidays, etc. but not on the day set aside for my father. It's everyone's personal opinion as to what to do on this day, but this is much more than "being nice" - it's about respecting your father and not watering down the day with feelings that your child may not share with you.
Sorry to disagree with you, Lee...I have pretty much the same situation. My husband has been a step father to my two adult children for the last 26 years. They are adults now with families of their own. He also has two biological children who always do and should recognize their father on Father's Day and make him feel special. However, my children still either call or send my husband their stepfather) a card on Father's Day only because they want him to know that they love him and appreciate him being a great STEP FATHER to them over the years.......They also recognize their own biological Father is some special way too.. That is all...a card or a phone call...his biological kids can do the rest to make Father's Day day special for him whatever way they want..........Does not hurt nor does it take away from his own children showing their love to their Father on Father's Day.......I know my husband really appreciates this every year as he thinks of my kids as his very own anyway and they love him very much.... .
No worries, Lee, you're allowed to do things your way. People will always disagree about certain topics. I see your point completely. It sounds like your step father is loved, appreciated, and included in all things family related, you don't have to acknowledge him in a fatherly way just because others insist it must be done that way :)
My husband and I have been married 12 years, I have no children of my own but he has 2 , a son 39 and daughter 34. I'm very close to both until 2 years ago when his son started dating this woman. I've hosted in our house 4 holidays but we have never been invited to there place. She said she didn't like our 2 dogs so my husband said we're not hosting a anymore dinners they can invite us, never happened yet. Now engaged we never met her mother when she came out to visit her (came out twice). My step son said we would meet her, lol. I just received her bridal shower invitation and it read...Hosted by maid of honor(name), her mothers name and her future mother in law name. Talk about a slap in my face! My husband is so upset not only with her but his son too. He has totally changed and not for the better, texts him about once every 6 months when it's his or her birthday. My husband has talked with him about this but he said he is so busy ( lost his job recently and wedding is in Jamaica/ not going cause my husband is not well), but he understood that. We haven't done or said anything yet, btw when my husband was in the hospital last year he never visited him there nor came to our house but his daughter flew out from Florida to help me! What should we do?
Leave a Reply
To comment on this topic, fill out the form below. If you would like to comment directly to one person, you may click on the envelope next to the posters name if they provided their email.